Friday.

My sister has been battling lymphoma for the past two years. In the past three weeks she has contracted pneumonia, and is currently hovering precariously on the brink of leaving this life behind.

It's just The Waiting right now. Any phone call could be "THE" phone call. Our family is huddled together, both literally and figuratively....just waiting.

And I think to myself, So, this is what this feels like....facing the possibility of continuing this life without the presence of someone you expected to get to keep close for a lot longer. It feels surreal, like a bad dream. I keep waiting to wake up, with relief flooding over me, so grateful it was just a nightmare. But instead I just keep waking up to check my phone, again, with my heartbeat quickening at every message, email, call.

My thoughts are consumed by this, swinging from wildly desperate hope that she will make it... to the crippling consideration of what it might feel like without her here, to hug, laugh with...for her babies to grow up without their mommy.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...how you hop on, get a few ups, downs, and turns...just to get you started. But, in the distance, you see the huge hill and the massive drop. These past couple years have been the initial ups and downs...and these past few weeks have been climbing, climbing, climbing straight up this big hill where the only thing left seems to be The Drop. I feel like I'm reaching the summit, where something is about to give, the bottom inevitably about to fall from under me...and the only thing you can think is "Well...here we go. Here it comes."

I think about my kids. I think about what they know about death. The only frame of reference they have are fairy tales, where death is cured with a magical kiss or special potion. I watch them when they are playing and pretending, and every time someone "dies," they are soon kissed awake and restored. We have talked about how their auntie is sick, and might have to go home to Heavenly Father. Baby-Rae, now four, asked only "How does Heavenly Father carry her?" Very carefully, is all I can think to say through the lump in my throat.

I have never appreciated friends bringing meals over so much. It is just that much less to think about, that much more love to feel, and that much more comfort by way of eating my feelings. I don't feel even a little guilty about it in a time like this. I'm finding little joys where I can, be it in my sweet-smelling baby's neck, or in the warmth of a cheesy lasagna.

I've been walking around in a fog, simultaneously lost in my thoughts and hiding from them. But it is amazing to me that the things that can pierce the fog are how pretty my slices of apples look in the morning light, the way my baby's eye sparkle when she sees me, the lovely steam curling peacefully from a rooftop into the sky. I know that it is my God whispering, for only He can cut through these clouds. He is reminding me that even in the darkest sorrow, He is there, and there is beauty.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

Parenting.

Parenting.

It's one of those things that I don't often feel like I get right.
And just when I'm starting to think I might have things figured out...my kid starts in on a totally new stage of their lives and everything I've learned about how to parent them up to that point CHANGES ALMOST COMPLETELY.
Like a game you're thrown into where the rules keep changing just when you think you've got them down,
and change depending on which player you are playing with,
and change depending on what colour their socks are that day.

I happen to think that parents and their kids are literally a match made in heaven.
It means that I firmly believe that we are in the families we are in for a reason. 
Well, probably LOTS of reasons, but youknowwhatImean.

It means that my kids are MY KIDS for a purpose.
Which means I need my babies and their specific strengths and challenges for my own learning and growth.
Which means that for some unknown reason, they need a mom that is passionate, but not precise; a little messy at life, honestly.
A mom that is kind of scatterbrained, but whole-hearted.
A mom that says what she's thinking and strives for honesty and authenticity, but is a little scared and sometimes gets overwhelmed and kind of freaks out and hides.
A mom that loves and loses her patience 
and apologizes 
and gets distracted
and should be softer and sweeter.
A LOT.

God knows (like, He actually does) why my kids need me.
They might need to learn from my strengths.
They probably need to learn from my mistakes.
They most likely need to learn to overcome the mess I make from blundering my way around this parenting thing.
They may need me to parent them just the way I would naturally parent.
And we may both need the growth that comes from my struggle to parent them in a way that is counterintuitive to me,
but ideal for them.

We need each other... for obvious reasons, and ones that will be hidden until further notice.
There is a plan that we are a part of, together, that is bigger than either of us. We are in the middle of a giant lesson, a giant test, a giant opportunity for JOY.
The mistakes, triumphs, and messes we make together as parent and child are special,
they have purpose,
and they are sacred.

And as a general rule, I believe that about every parent-child relationship.
Which means that I don't get to jump to any conclusions about someone else's mommy-kid relationship.
It means that maybe they need a parent that is NOT the parent I would be...
but if they needed me as a parent, then they would be my kid. And they're not. So....
Maybe they need that parent's example, mistakes, strengths, and weaknesses to give them the opportunities, the refiner's fires, the learning and the growth that will allow them to become something really amazing; the person God knows they can be.

I have to trust that.
And remind myself of that.
And simply be a parent that lets other parents parent the way they believe is best. And always be the parent that supports other parents-trying-their-best with love and respect. And with hugs.

Because it's hard.
Even harder when you're not perfect.
And so all you can do is keep on learning from your mistakes,
treasuring the moments that are sheer heaven,
keep recognizing Who has the Big Plan,
and trusting His perfect, perfect judgement.
Because He is the perfect parent, after all.

Heaven, help me.

Messy Vulnerability

Today, I just happened to walk out of the Mother's Lounge (the comfy place to breastfeed) at church at precisely the wrong time, witnessing a brief, but heated, exchange between a friend and her husband. I debated pretending I hadn't seen anything, but I didn't. It was um...obvious that I had totally seen everything. And she needed a hug. And she cried about it, and vented a little, and took a deep breath. We hugged again, and parted ways.

And I was so grateful. For her. For that moment.

Because, you see, this morning before church I was feeling so...low, and scattered. There was the normal craziness of getting ready for church, and then feeling like I had nothing to wear, nothing was clean, I have to do laundry, and catch up on the dishes from yesterday and no one else must have these issues with keeping up with life, and I have to get myself together because I need to parent three kids through church without anyone being disrupted, but I am feeling so overwhellllllllmmmmeeeed. I just want to feel calm inside. I just want a break from my own head. I have no room left in my brain to think clearly, or to think about anything else, everything else that needs to get done. How does everyone else do it!?

My friend didn't have to let me in. She didn't have to let me comfort her and let me see more of her difficult situation. She could have left, walked away, pretended everything was okay when I came over. And I would have let her, of course, because it was hers to share or hide. But she was brave, and she let me be there for her. She opened up her hurting heart.

And I was so comforted. Not because I needed to know that she had issues...but because I needed to know that it was okay to have them. That it was okay to talk about them. That it was okay to be open to love and comfort when I need them. I felt unburdened simply by being witness to her willingness to share and be open.

I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately, and I still don't feel like I have that comfortable grip on what it is to me, yet. It feels so raw and elusive. Which is maybe exactly what it's supposed to be. I only have messy thoughts, questions I've been asking myself.

I feel like we, as a culture, are not very friendly to people being vulnerable. We condemn people for "oversharing" and tsk-tsk people who bear their souls. It's like we feel the need to cover up their naked emotions. Hey, um...did you know that you're supposed to act like you don't feel like that??? How embarrassing that you don't know that we just don't SAY things like that out loud! We're pretending to be perfect here, helllllooo! Okay, you totally let your weakness show there...(giggle, snicker)...  So...can we just stop that? Like right now? Is it possible that maybe that person knew perfectly well that you would look down on them for talking out loud about their difficult moment, or feeling genuinely grateful for a success...and did it anyway? That they actually did it because they were courageous? Brave? That they were opening themselves up to love and support, knowing FULL WELL that they are also opening themselves up to judgement and silent-ish ridicule? That they knew they were supposed to be pretending to be perfect? Maybe, just maybe, it was more important to them to be open and authentic...real!...than to appear like they had it together every minute of every day. You could argue that some are doing it for attention, fine. But they are being pretty dang clear that they need some attention, don't you think? That they need people reaching out in love, even just with a little uplifting word here and there. Is it really our job to withhold love and comfort from someone, just to teach them a lesson about the right way to get attention???

What is it about someone opening up that is scary or uncomfortable for us? Are we maybe a little jealous that they don't feel bound by the same fears we do? Do we want to silence them because we are offended that they don't seem to struggle with the same battle that we do with fearing the opinions of others? Are we willing to give our fears a run for their money by opening up ourselves? Are we willing to be loved? Are we willing to be hurt? Are we willing to just BE who we are, as we are, in that moment?

What does vulnerability look like in my life? Where can I apply this strength, this humility, in the ways I need it most?

I have friends that are my role models for their ability to be open and vulnerable. I respect the heck out of them. Someday, I want to be as brave as they are. I am working on it.

With those messy questions on this quiet and thoughtful night, I'll leave you with this TED talk I've listened to recently that got me thinking in the first place. It's a oldie, but a goodie. And worth a second listen, even if you've heard it before.

Once-a-Month Grocery Shopping

SOooo...let's create some background here.

Last year (about this exact time, actually) I was stymied by all of these Pinterest pins and blog posts about grocery shopping once a month. I just couldn't even fathom going that long without re-stocking fresh produce, and other such perishable items! At that point, I was grocery shopping once every week or two, nothing crazy. I also kind of liked grocery shopping...I like food, and I enjoy cooking...so it was kind of exciting to be surrounded with all of the possibilities! Ha.

But I also like saving money. Not in a save-money-no-matter-what! kind of way...but definitely in a student-family-needs-to-keep-it-frugal kind of way.

I was curious, so I started by evaluating how much I had spent on groceries/household-necessities for the past three months. I thought I was super-thrifty...so the amount I actually spent kind of shocked me. It was the motivation I needed to look into the whole idea more seriously.

So I did it for a few months last winter...AND I LOVED IT. I plan to do it again this year...and just read a post that got me all pumped up about it again. Since I've got it back on the brain, I figured I'd share what I learned the last time around...y'know freshen up and air out my memory, or something like that.

Number One Concern for me was fresh produce. I love me my fruits and veggies! And it's important to me to feed them to my family. I didn't get how it worked to just buy them once a month... But THIS POST totally changed my brain when it came to how I thought about it. After reading it, having fresh produce the whole month sounded actually do-able for the first time.

My own best tips for produce:

-Initially, I listed all the fruits and vegetables I could possibly think of that my family actually used. I then went through each fruit or veggie and put a number "1" beside them if it would only last a week or less..."2" if it would last up to 2 weeks..."3" if it would last up to three weeks...and "4" beside the ones that could last all month. This gave me a good, giant reference list. And helped me know which meals needed to be planned for which weeks (ie. Taco Salad in the first week, when the lettuce, tomatoes, and avocados are around). It actually surprised me how many I had that could last the whole month: carrots, beets and other root veggies, apples, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, onions, garlic, squash, even things like cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli in the right conditions (coincidence that most of those that keep for longer are "winter veggies?" I think not. Side benefit of shopping once a month through the winter? Eating more seasonally! Awesome.)

-Leafy greens: I would buy a TON of leafy greens (especially spinach & kale). For the first week or two it's lots of fresh salads. Weeks three and four we get our daily greens by making frozen smoothie bags. Frozen greens also make a great addition to stir-fry's, soups, spinach lasagnas...PLUS! we would even juice greens and freeze the juice in ice cube trays to add to smoothies...or to thaw and sip slowly in a glass.

-Juicing: the first couple weeks were fresh-pressed green juices, the last couple more of the beets, apples, and carrot juices...with maybe a green juice ice cube tossed in (see above).

-I would buy bananas like crazy, too, because they got eaten fresh, frozen in smoothie bags, or frozen and made into banana bread or banana "ice cream."

-The freezer is your best friend. I realized that I totally under-appreciated frozen veggies and fruits before shopping once a month. Example? Avocados can be frozen (scooped out of the skin) and then thawed for guacamole. Awesome.

-Look up internet tips and tricks for keeping produce fresh longer. The "wrap celery in tin foil" one actually works alright!

And dairy.

-My mom has always frozen milk growing up, so it was easy to imagine buying enough for the month and just thawing a jug when needed. The catch with this one is enough freezer space. If we did run out, it was the perfect opportunity to try dairy substitutes like coconut milk and homemade nut milks. We use these more often than dairy milk this year anyways, so I don't anticipate any problems this year.

-Cheese can be shredded and frozen, but it also keeps pretty well on its own for the month, too. You can apparently freeze cheese in slices as well, but I've never tried it...I can see it being useful for making sandwiches at the end of the month, though. I would shred a block and freeze it in smaller quantities since we usually use cheese for things like quesadillas, soup toppings, and tacos anyways.

-Blocks of butter freeze and thaw beautifully.

-Eggs last a month. Just take them out of their carton and place them all into a little basket or container in your fridge, gently piling them on top of each other. Takes up less space.

-Our plain, full-fat yogurt lasted the month just fine.

And meats.

-We don't really eat a lot of meat, but what we do eat, we would buy in bulk and freeze in smaller portions so we only had to thaw a meal-sized amount at one time.

-Right after grocery shopping, I would cook and shred half of my chicken breasts (or thighs, whatever). and stick the cooked, shredded meat into the freezer in its own bag. That way it was convenient for soups, toss into quesadillas, white chili's, etc. Just made a real meal so much more accessible on the days where I didn't want to cook...


Pros to shopping once-a-month:

-A healthier view of grocery shopping. Grocery shopping was kind of my 'retail therapy' before, and it was fun and exciting to me to imagine what I could make with so many choices, and something to get-out-of-the-house and do...which it still is, in a way...but now I feel like it's not the "hobby" it once was. After once-a-month for a few months, it became something with less emotional implications and just something that needed to get done. Which also translated into spending less.

-It challenged me, creatively, in the kitchen. When things would start to run out near the end of the month, I was determined to try and make it until the end of the month anyways...so it would push me to use what I had on hand and not just run out to the store and grab some more of what I thought I needed. I actually used the vegetables that I had frozen earlier and was finally pushed to home-make things that I hadn't really needed to before (like finally cooking dried beans...ha!). I surprised myself with meals I never would have tried otherwise... that were actually delicious and nutritious despite thinking I had "nothing in the house."

-It saved money. I think this is for two reasons: like I said in the first reason, it helped me not grocery shop as a "hobby" anymore, which reduced the emotional spending. The second reason is simply that when you are not at the store as often, there's not as much opportunity to spend on things you don't need.

-More time to spend on other fun stuff! My kids are good grocery shoppers, so it was always a fun little outing for us, but after hauling them and groceries around to a few stores, the rest of the day was pretty much shot for being productive as we came home spent. Grocery shopping once means more days that can be used for play dates, drop-in activities at the local YMCA, walks, and other fun things.

The downsides of once-a-month shopping:

-HAVING ENOUGH SPACE to put everything, whether it be freezer space, fridge space, or counter/shelf space. I would always feel like I was drowning in groceries for the first week or two. And that my fridge and freezers were overflowing. We have an upright deep freeze...and a "produce shelf" in the kitchen has helped tons...but I still anticipate feeling a little overwhelmed every time I'm putting a month of groceries away. Waiting until the very last second to go grocery shopping helped with making room, I found.

-Having your entire monthly grocery amount in one large, lump sum. I realize this isn't really a problem for most, but a student budget combined with an owning-your-own-business budget can get kind of patchy sometimes, so sometimes having ALL of our grocery money for the month at the beginning of the month was not always realistic.

-In my opinion, it's something that only really works through the winter months. Once the Spring produce rolls in, I start grocery shopping (even if it's just produce!) a little more often. I try and eat fairly seasonally, and the spring and summer produce (asparagus! strawberries! peaches!) doesn't keep as well. During this past summer, I tried to just get non-perishables once or twice a month...and then get produce at the farmer's market on a weekly basis.

-Last time I did once a month shopping, I had two kids that both fit in the cart so I could take them on one giant grocery shopping trip...now, though, I have three kiddos and that won't work...so this time around, I'll have to go by myself.

Extra details?

-I meal-planned, but not rigidly...it was more like a list of meals I would make that month, with them grouped into "The First Two Weeks" and "The Last Two Weeks" just to make sure that I got the ingredients I needed while I was out. That said, I live in a big city not in the middle of nowhere...so there was always a little money leftover to run out and grab something if reeeeally reeeeally needed. I tried not to, though, just because it was an experiment to see if it would ACTUALLY work to just go once.

-I was using debit last year, and still spent less...but this year I am only using cash, since it's been working for us for the past several months. It's proven to be effective for our family at keeping us on budget, and I anticipate it will be save us even more in the groceries department this year, too.

-Last year, I went to Costco and Superstore with occasional visits to our local Health Food store for things that I just couldn't find at either Costco or Superstore. I don't think I'd make that number of stores any higher. It worked for our family's needs.

-I froze bread, or just made it with my super-fast-super-easy recipe. Someday, I want to learn to make slow, beautiful breads...but not now.


Okay, I think that's all I can dump out of my head at the moment.
This made me totally excited to start up again; I'd love to hear any tips you've got. I need 'em!

Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Part 2

By way of explanation: At night, physically and emotionally spent, I usually collapse into a kid-free coma and zone out to a TV show or two before going to bed. But lately, I've been eating differently, and it's left me with some life still leftover in me at the end of the day. I've decided to use it more wisely...and to write, sing, read more often in the evenings. These "Things My Kids Should Know" questions are giving me a thought-provoking place to start, even if they are a little cheesy. Sooo...Enjoy? Haha.

Part 1 here.


3) Describe Three Legitimate Fears you have and how they became fears.

---Jumping into cold water.
       I jumped into an ice cold lake once and almost passed out because of the shock. Freaked me riiiiight out. I don't even care if you call me a chicken, I just wade into cold water now.
---Not living up to my potential.
       One of the worst things I can think of is standing there at the end of my life and being disappointed with myself.
---Being sexually abused/raped.
       This one is pretty self-explanatory, not to mention understandable. Just the idea of someone taking something away from me that is so precious horrifies me. I ache for every victim of sexual abuse.

4) Describe your relationship with your spouse

My relationship with my sweet D-Hubby is...well...like putting two elephants in one potato sack. So far it's been a lot of squeezing and squishing, and being annoyed about the other one getting in our way and laughing about how ridiculous we must look. We are two strong, mostly opposite personalities who both like getting our own way. But we are also vulnerable with each other, and take care of each other. We love to create together, to enjoy the outdoors together, to love on our kids, and tease each other. If we're having a disagreement, it's probably because I'm telling him he's being insensitive and where-the-heck is his heart, and he's telling me I am being totally unreasonable and not everything can be love and sunshine. And then we just look at each other, all mad...and realize that those are just the things that we love about each other: he loves how much I care about people, I love how he can see a situation from a straightforward and logical perspective. He is helping me become something better than what I would be without him. Sometimes we don't understand each other...and we have to work hard at bringing two different minds into unity and harmony; but we are unfailingly committed to each other and our marriage, and THAT is what keeps our love burning brighter and brighter every day...and always keeps things interesting. :)

Telling Myself the Truth

We were home from church, sick, on Sunday. All of us. You don't even want to know how many tissues our family has been through in the last week.

On that boogery note, it meant I had a little time to write...in between wiping noses and administering Tylenol.

So here I am. With a full head. (In more ways than one...EWww, that got gross really fast.)

I've been thinking lately about the importance of being honest with ourselves. Well, mostly reflecting on how important honesty-with-myself has been in my life so far, and where it will take me in the future. I have come to the conclusion that we cannot be truly honest with one another until we are telling ourselves the truth.

You're saying "duh," I know...but I'm monologuing about it anyways.

There was this one pivotal moment when I realized this, like really, for the first time. It was when I broke up (the final time) with "That Boyfriend." Y'know, the first one that first stole your heart, for real? The one who you'll always remember? That one.

When I broke up with him that final, heart-breaking time, my up-front reasons for doing so were legitimate and true...but pretty thin in that they didn't tell the whole story...because I didn't really know why myself! My reason? I just don't feel right about this... and if you asked me how I felt when we broke up...I would tell you that I was devastated! And I didn't know why I should break up with him, only that I should. Just a bewildered shrug, or shaking my fist at the universe, depending on the day. I threw my hand over my forehead and concluded that we just weren't meant to be and I don't know why!

And I could have left it there. I could have left that big question mark in my life and just talked about it, mystified, from that point on. And I did for a little while, because I wasn't ready to believe it was my fault, or my choice. I wasn't ready to be honest with myself, because it was easier to believe that it was some outside force that for-some-unknown-reason just made being together impossible.

I can remember that powerful, liberating moment when I was standing in a friend's little kitchen apartment and talking about someone else's heart-breaking split from a boyfriend...when I finally told myself the truth:

It didn't work because I didn't love him enough.

I didn't want me-and-him enough to make it work, at that point in my life. I wasn't ready to love him the way I needed to love him in order for it to last. And so it didn't. It ended. I ended it.

With finally admitting that to myself, I expected a pity-party to follow, more tears about how I (me! and me alone!) let a great guy like that just GO! I'm such an idiot, I thought I should be saying to myself.

But the pity didn't come. I just felt...unburdened. I felt like I could finally breathe, and that I wasn't hiding from my excuses anymore, wasn't working so hard to make myself believe the lies that made me look better to everyone else...I was facing myself for the first time and saying, "There, now. That was tough; the truth kind of stings...but not so bad, either, hey? Now...NOW we can finally, truly, heal."

And heal I did. It gave me a real, honest place to just accept where I was at...and a place to start some real growth. It gave me a place to start asking myself questions. Why wasn't I ready? What would have to be different in order for me to have felt ready? What does that teach me about myself?

We didn't break-up because he was a jerk or because I was crazy or because we were simply star-crossed lovers...but because of a decision I made, with the Lord's counsel, that turned out to be the very best thing for both of us. And that was okay.

Sure there were issues with our relationship, and it always takes two-to-tango, but in reality? If I had wanted it to work badly enough, I would have spoken up, communicated, done everything to fix it. Instead, I stayed quiet and those issues became my excuses to bow out...when the reality was simply that he, this, was not what I wanted right now. He wasn't perfect, but that's kind of irrelevant. Because neither was I (I'm perfect now, though...? Neither am I, I mean. Ha.) and I am only responsible for me and my decisions.

Anyways. This goes way beyond this one turning point in my life. It affects EVERYTHING, really.

Right now, in my current life, telling myself the truth sounds a little like these things:

"I am having a hard time feeling friendly towards them right now because I am feeling a little insecure with myself, and I'm a little intimidated. I need to work on that. This person is someone to be loved; I need to forget myself and find out why they are so awesome."

"My kids are not asking for too much. I am only annoyed because I am trying to focus on how to finish that really witty status so I can look hilarious. Stop it. Put it down for now, I can finish it later. My kids trump my ego for importance right now. In fact, they usually do."

"Am I dressing like this to feel my best? Or am I getting dressed to get attention? Now, let's be honest. Both are fine for now, but if I am trying to get attention...try to understand why, okay? Really think about why I feel like I need that kind of attention right now, and work on that. I can be beautiful, artistic, vibrant, and attractive regardless of what I am wearing."

"I am only bugged by that person's success because I am feeling a little jealous. They have experienced something really incredible and exciting. It does not subtract from the joys in my life! So enjoy this joyful moment with them, genuinely, and add your cheers to theirs!"

"I know the reason I am not joining in this conversation is because I'm not ready to be vulnerable, out loud, about my own struggles with this issue yet. That's okay. Soon, someday, I'll be able to talk about it. But until then, I can be a soft place to land for these friends of mine; I refuse to scowl because I think they should be holding in their heartache, too. I may not be ready, but they are putting their hearts out there and that is really brave. This is not oversharing. This loving each other. And it's okay to be scared about that, too. I'm on it, one step at a time."

"His behaviour is only annoying me because it's not what I want him to do. But since when was my way the best way? I need to remember that he is different than me, and that is beautiful. Difficult and beautiful. I am not in charge, I am not the boss-of-him. I am only the boss of me."

"I shouldn't really type that sentence like that, it makes me sound arrogant and bossy. But then again...sometimes I am arrogant and bossy. I just struggle with that sometimes. And that's okay for now. But let's work on that. Why do I feel the need to sound arrogant about that? Probably because I'm a little insecure with that idea and am overcompensating. Yeah...probably."

And I find, every time I am really, truly honest with myself...it is always the first step up. It is always the gate that opens to healing and growth.  I stunt myself when I am being too ______________(prideful? scared? angry? apathetic? Insert damning state of being here) to be honest with me and admit the way I am really feeling and why.

I hope I get better at it. It gives me more compassion and patience for others. It reminds me that we hardly ever know what's really going on under the surface, under other people's surfaces. And it brings me closer to my God, because He's there, in my head and heart, helping me see myself more clearly so that I can get out of my own way on the road back to Him.


The end. I am now hungry. And that is also the truth.

Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Part 1

I came across a pin on Pinterest that linked to a blogger's post with 30 questions to answer for your kids to read about you someday.
I love that idea.
I decided to do it here, because...well...I'm just an exhibitionist like that sometimes. And plus it keeps things fun when I get to share it with friends as well. I'll probably do this all again in the future (for just my kids) because answers change...but for now, and for the next few posts, I'll answer the questions as my 29-year-old self.

The first question is.....

[1/30] List 20 Random Facts about yourself.

Aaaaand here we go...

1) Some people bite their fingernails, some people roll napkins; my fidgety habit is playing with stickers and price tags and tape.
2) Despite what a few pregnancies have left me with, I did at one time have very curly hair
3) I would take rich, decadent (chocolatey!) desserts over light, fruity desserts any day.
4) I am a thinker and a dreamer. "Doing" is not a natural strength. I love time to myself to just let my mind wander. It's also what makes me forgetful and absent minded of the nitty-gritty details of my life, like appointments and to-do's.
5) I got a fishbone stuck in my throat once. The doctor had to pull it out with these tong-like things.
6) I have never broken a bone. Well...that I've needed a cast for. I suspect I had a broken toe at one point, but I'm not for-sure on that one.
7) I love to write poetry; there's something fascinatingly challenging about taking all of what I'm thinking and trying to frame it with as few, and powerful of, words as possible.
8) The one movie that will always make me cry is Little Women. I identify with Jo so strongly that I bawl every. time. BUT I don't like that she ends up with the professor; I always wanted her to end up with Laurie instead.
9) I am transparent and easy to read; but the best friends in my life have given me a little space to believe I am mysterious.
10) I hate brushing my teeth. It's a sensory thing. But the WORST is being in the room when other people are brushing their teeth; it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. (Shiver).
11) I like my feet. I think feet are ugly in general...but I don't think mine are the ugliest out there.
12) I love a man with great looking hands.
13) I am SUPER allergic to dogs and cats and anything with dander. Like, mildly anaphylactic, given the right mixture of circumstances. Hypo-allergenic doesn't even cut it. I can be around them longer, but still get symptoms.
14) The one above was almost a deal-breaker for my hubby when we were dating. And you think that I'm joking...
15) I have this secret love of keeping grammar rules. I feel like good grammar is becoming obsolete alarmingly quickly...so when I make the effort to use a semicolon correctly, I feel that I have done my part in defending the Honour of Grammar. Weird, I know. I also feel like it gives me the right to use bad grammar whenever I want because I actually know how to say it properly. Grammar snob? Perhaps.
16) I value a good listener like they are made of stars and rainbows. They are SO hard to find. I also strive, constantly, to BE a good listener.
17) I love exercising. A good workout is a treat for me. I love the way it challenges my mind as much as it does my body.
18) That said, I still can't figure out how to love yoga. I really love the idea. I just can't get my body to cooperate.
19) When I turned 25, I felt great about what I had accomplished up to that point in my life: I had completed a bachelor's degree, completed a certificate program, served as a missionary for a year and half, gotten married and had a baby. I have less than a year until I am 30 and I want to feel just as good about what I have accomplished since. My list will be SO different this time, but I hope I feel just as proud of what I've achieved.
20) I still secretly believe that I was supposed to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas.