Rented.

I have quite a bit of time to just think while I drive bus. I think about lots of little things, and come to conclusions about the most random and disconnected series of subjects you've ever heard...on a daily basis.

Here's one:

I itch to own my own house.
I want total creative control over the colour of my walls and the light fixtures overhead. I don't want to panic when my kids draw on the walls, or worry whether the landlord is going to let us hang artwork or not. Someday, it will be really nice.
But, I thought, as we moved our furniture around this week yet again...(we do that often. I like to think that it's the artist in both my husband and I that likes to keep things visually fresh and interesting. Or that we have decorating ADD) that there are some things that I really like about renting, too.
I like not having to worry about setting money aside for having the roof redone or the windows replaced. I like that the desire to renovate and update isn't always at the back of my mind, greedy for my extra dollars. I think I like that the most, actually. I often think about what I would do to change the houses I live in, the homes I rent. But I am actually comforted by the fact that there's not really anything I can do about it. It forces me to accept what I have. It pushes me to be creative in my home decor, and not just endure but embrace what's there so that it looks good, all together. I like having to make the most of it. I like that I don't have property taxes. I like that I'm not scraping by, barely keeping my head above water financially because I jumped into home ownership before I could really afford it...and all that goes with it. I like renting. For now.
Someday, we will buy a home, and we will love it. It will be awesome. And it will bring different blessings and different challenges. I will be a happy homeowner.
Until then, I've decided to love renting.
Because sometimes, renting really is awesome.

Taking My Stand.

Guys. This post has taken me FOR-EV-ER to finish. I keep coming back to it, and leaving it again...then coming back...and...yeah. Finally. Done.
 
Several days weeks ago I read this blog post. And, like any piece of good writing should, it made me think. And think and think and think.

And I started this post the next day, writing hot...which I love to do.

(One of my literature profs in University once told us to write red-hot...and edit ice-cold. I loved that. And remembered it, obviously. Writing hot is writing when you are on fire, full of thoughts and emotions that are running through you, around you, out of you, and just burning you up in all the right ways...)

But what I write when I write hot should never be 'published'...not until I've had some time to look over it when I'm running a little cooler. So far, it's been good insurance against saying some really stupid stuff...or the right stuff, but in the wrong way...y'knowwhatimean?

Good.

And so it was with this post. Because it's something that is important...and like most things that are actually important, it lights fires in hearts.

And that blog post lit my fire...maaaybe not in the way that it meant to...or maybe exactly in the way it was meant to...but it doesn't really matter.

This post is about my stance on homosexuality.

I write this because I need to, friends. Not really because you need to know what I think...because heaven knows it doesn't matter...but because I needed to write it...for me.  Because I've needed to really think this through...like, really. And for me, writing and thinking go together.

The experience of thinking and writing this post is exactly what it needed to be for me. I needed to sort things out. I needed to really examine myself. I've needed to be clear on where I stand...and I've needed to be able to explain it to my kids someday, without fear.

Because things like this are too important to ignore, or to just hitch a ride on someone else's coattails.

First of all, I need to get some things straight (haaaa...). This post is essentially a response to Momastery's Post (the one I mentioned earlier). Well, kind of.

BUT!!! Understand this: I really really love the blog that the post came from. I love the author, I love her insights, I love her writing, I love her cause. I only respond so specifically to what she said in this post because she laid out the "other side" of the argument so well from the viewpoint of a faithful Christian...that I had to really think about it in her terms, from her perspective. My thought process stemmed and grew from her words...and to take you through any of it without referring to her opinions would be...lacking, somehow. I don't really know that I'll be able to take you with me on my thought process...it's been kind of a whirlwind...but I should be able to share the conclusions I've reached.

Maybe. Hopefully?

And also, I'm coming from the perspective of someone who has always taken the stance that homosexuality is morally wrong. It's where I was sitting before the article...and it's where I've returned to. But...more...thoroughly there, if that makes sense.

I want that out there...because I do believe it's wrong, and so I'll talk about it that way...and don't want anyone scandalized, all-of-the-sudden, by my reference to homosexuality with words like "struggle" and "hardship"...and comparing it to other battles that I believe bear a resemblance. Okee dokee? You've been given fair warning.

Also: pet peeves. One of mine is when people get all upset because someone seems to be esteeming any marriage between a man and a woman as ALWAYS the best situation...no matter what...and start saying how offensive it is to say that that an abusive heterosexual marriage is better than a happy homosexual one. To that I say, DUH. Abuse is unacceptable, in any relationship. No one, upon hearing of a husband abusing his wife, is going to insist that well...at least they weren't in a happy gay relationship! So moot point, okay? From here on out, I'm talking about the ideals of both situations, if we're talking comparisons...which I probably won't do---talk comparisons, I mean---because I feel like it's comparing apples and oranges.

And so.

When I began Momastery's Post, I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with the first half...about bullying...about kids as adults' reflections...about US needing to change, if we want to see change in our children. YES, yes, yes!
It drove me crazy when I was working in schools to hear of yet another bullying program that taught kids about how to recognize it, how to report it, blah blah blah blah. This will fix nothing! I wanted to shout, because that's not the problem! Our kids are not being taught how to love. Barbara Colorrosso called the solution teaching our kids to "care deeply." And I love that...because the issue of bullying has everything to do with those hearts of ours.

The last half of the post was a letter to her son, a letter that describes their thoughts and feelings on homosexuality, written to him as if he had announced he was gay. It was full of the beautiful and tender words of a loving mother. But it was also where I stopped nodding so vehemently...because, really, I was reading a completely different post. The subject matter was different, the goal, the aim.
We were onto something else, now.

And on I read. And I read some of the comments. And I re-read the post. And another pet-peeve came out...y'know, that one where people assume that because you believe homosexuality is wrong, that you do not love...that you must not love...that love only can mean accepting and celebrating homosexuality as awesome.

Which it doesn't. Because love is not about making everything acceptable. Love is what makes the unacceptable bearable...it's what gives us hope that we can endure the inevitably unacceptable things that we are asked to endure. If I had a friend I loved dearly who struggled with a genetic pre-disposition to alcoholism, I would not throw them a parade and hand them a beer.
Because I can't...because I love them.
You can't do much except love someone when they insist on destructive behaviour...but when you love someone, you sure-as-heck can't throw in the towel and hand them the sledgehammer to do a better job of it. You have to stand your ground in loving who they are at the moment and believing that they can be more than they are currently making of themselves.

So the suggestion that it is a lack of love that keeps me from celebrating homosexuality is offensive to me.
That it is a lack of understanding is also incorrect...because it is my understanding of who we are as humans and why we're here on this earth that also keeps me from embracing the idea that two people of the same gender should be together, sexually, y'know, if they wanna be.

That could be an entirely different post, altogether, though...the who-we-are-why-we're-here thing.
So, anyways.

Homosexuality is two things to me. First, it's simply the attraction, sexually, to someone of your same gender. I do not believe that, in and of itself, is (ahem) "sinful"...because I have met too many people whose situations are too different...and too horrific... to believe that the pain and confusion that can surround sex and sexuality is that simple. And I believe that everyone is born with different challenges and weaknesses in this life. But I do believe there is a line drawn when it comes to what you do with it.
Do you feed it? Entertain it? Justify it?

I believe that homosexuality is wrong. But why? Why am I so sure? How do I know?
What if I didn't know what I know? How could I tell what was right?
What is the good, what is the bad, that comes from embracing and encouraging something like this...the fruit that comes from believing it's wrong or believing it's right?
What if I only had the Bible? How would I tell then?

I can tell you right now, if I only had the Bible to go on...I would be so, so confused.

Because there are so many convincing voices out there. I would have what I've always believed on one hand...and, on the other hand, what seems like everyone else telling me that it's wrong to believe that way...hateful, even. And God is not hateful.
And I would wrestle with it inside...I would want a way to make them fit together...and I would probably end up drawing the same conclusions that the author of this post did...that things like this...just...evolve. That things must be different now. They have to be. To make me feel better, they would have to be.

But I don't believe that I only have the Bible to go on.
I believe that He, God, continues to reveal His will today...like, through a living prophet...through revelation, current scripture. STILL. Today. Just like always.

And thank Heaven for that. Because our time needs our Noah, too. I believe that God doesn't really leave ANYTHING that's significant like this issue up in the air and unclear. I believe that He still chooses a prophet to be his mouthpiece on the earth to give us guidance---and encouragement---that is specific to us and our time. And that makes all the difference. Because when I believe in a God who is actively revealing His will the same way that He always has, it makes getting clarification very simple.

So whether I'm pretending it's from a Darwin-istic perspective (homosexuality doesn't perpetuate a species; survival of the fittest would have annihilated homosexual tendencies ages ago!) or health perspective (can we say HIV/AIDS?), a behavioural perspective (we have to have self-control when it comes to unusual sexual preferences...otherwise, where do we draw the line?), or just the perspective of sex being more than simply an appetite to be filled at all costs...
It would be fine.
But it wouldn't be the whole story. Just some supporting evidence that it's not right, that something is breaking.
Because, really, it comes down to whether I believe God has given the final word on it...and more than just a few semi-ambiguous scriptures in the Bible that people could scrap over 'til the cows come home. I believe He has let us know, very clearly, where He stands today...when He said, in 1995, through a living prophet that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." (From this. Emphasis added.)

I wonder what the author's letter would have looked like if she were writing to her son as though he had decided to leave the Christian faith to become Muslim (another highly-bullied group she mentioned). Because I think the letter would have been less about how okay and fine-and-dandy it was...and more about how you deal with people who believe differently than you do...about how you love them anyways...and about how you celebrate them as a child of God anyways. I doubt that the author would have started praying to Allah to show support of her son's decision...but she would have loved him anyways. And I doubt that a son in that position...who knew how deeply his parents loved Jesus Christ...would expect them to be kicks and giggles about it...would resent them for not accepting Islam, too...would expect them to rationalize their beliefs so they could believe both things.

I'm sad for those who have been rude and awful on both sides of this issue. I wish I could explain to governments and policy-makers that, for the most part, these are not 'religious fanatics' who are standing up for the future of marriage and its definition...that it's people who are loving the best they can: loving their God and their fellow man.

I like how this quote puts it:

"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs." (Joseph Smith Jr.)

Because when it comes right down to it, condemning and exalting are not our jobs...they're WAY over our heads on the job description list, actually. The Lord knows each person's situation, circumstances, and heart perfectly. He is the Perfect Judge. I am not. And while it definitely does not remove my responsibility to defend what is holy and sacred, it certainly means that---above all---I act with compassion.

Because everyone is a child of God...and so, so precious to Him.
...Everyone.

Two.

Two articles I've particularly loved this week:

The Last Word: He said he was leaving. She ignored him.---by Laura Munson

Friendly Fire---by Glennon of the blog Momastery

Both are amazing. That is all.

2012.

It's no secret that I love the new year, fresh start, new goals thing.
Really, just any excuse to start over, fresh. I make lots of mistakes.

Last year I resolved to keep things simple.
For the most part, I think I managed to keep sight of that relatively well. I feel good about the effort I made to keep "unnecessary clutter" out of our schedules and work on the "basics" of maintaining our lives and our home.

But it's a new year! Which means building on that, right? Onward and upward?!

Well. I find myself in a much different situation than I have been in the past years...which makes my goal setting a little different.

I'm working at the moment. School bus driving.
Awesome, hey? It's great.
...Well, great for a part-time job where I can take my kids with me.
In all honesty, if I didn't have to do it, I wouldn't.
But I do,
so it's fine and dandy.

It's not that I hate working, it's just that I really like the hard work that I'm already doing...and miss being able to really do it to the best of my ability. That's all.

I saw a quote on Pinterest a while ago that said "Do the best with what you have, where you are, now."

And it made me feel a whole lot better. I may not be working with the same kind of flexibility that I used to have in my schedule...but I can sure do the best with what I  do have...with where I'm at...at this point in time...and quit bemoaning what I used to have or what I would rather have instead.

And so...that's the theme for my year. I'll carry over what I've learned from last year and really focus on what's important...and do the best with what I have...and love every minute!

-Natural Sweeteners Only For the Next 6 Months. This includes only honey, maple syrup, fruit, agave syrup...no white/brown sugars or corn syrups. I did this last year for three months and it was amazing. Special occasions (birthdays) and times when it's rude to refuse are exceptions.

-Spiritually Fed, Daily. I would make some kind of reading goal, like "read the whole bible this year" but I find I lose the purpose of why I'm reading too quickly and it becomes rote and meaningless. I need to feel spiritually fed...so if that's my mindset, I think the results will be waaaay more satisfying.

-Be a Sexier Wife. And before this sounds too scandalous...it's actually just things like: shower more often... keep my legs shaved... always smell pretty... the things that I don't especially care about, but that make a big difference to my sweet hubby. Aaaaand he's important to me, and definitely worth that extra little bit of effort.

-Treat My Babies Like a Treasure...Always. In the last few weeks before Christmas, pressure was high and time was running at an all-time low. I was pretty much constantly impatient with my kids, trying to keep up with all the demands on our time. Baby-Rae started having accidents, and was chronically misbehaving...and Baby-M was suuuuper whiny and clingy. Both were with me most of the day, still...but were being starved of my attention...and it showed. Once I realized what was happening, I felt terrible...and learned a valuable lesson. The consequences of forgetting to treat my babies like the treasure that they are...are actually totally disproportionate. They are affected by it way more than I think...and mending that mistake takes twice (three times!) the effort that it would have taken to just take a breath and give them the patience and attention they needed from the start.

-Don't Have A Junk Drawer. This is a home organization one. In my home this year, there will be no "miscellaneous" spaces...everything will have a place. "A place for everything, and everything in its place." I have kids...my home will never be as neat as a pin...but it can be organized and easily tidied.

Those are my goals in health, spiritual, husband, kids, and home. 

Happy New Year! 2012, you are going to be one interesting year...

The end.

Baby-M.

Today, I noticed that this little guy is acting less and less like my baby...and more and more like my toddler.

Luckily, he's still got chubby cheeks, dimples in his knuckles, squishy thighs, and a sweet little belly. So no matter how much he may act like he's growing up, he still looks like my baby.

Whew.


(Apologies if the photos are showing up weird in the post...I can't figure out why...)

The Blessings of a Crazy Life.

These past few months I have just been feeling so....scattered? Maybe.
Spread thin?
Lost?

Or just all of the above.

I keep this blog because I love to write.
But It's more than that: I need  to write. Whether it's my journal, a pseudo-secret blog on the internet, or a page ripped from a notebook...I need to be able to describe my world and my life. It's how I make sense of it. Even in my head, I only get so far before I have to empty it....sort it all out into words and phrases and expressions...rearrange it. Once I've "had it out" with my thoughts...and they've fought to fit into the right words...the finished product seems to squeeze back into my head so much easier.

Writing is my mental de-cluttering process.

But sometimes I can't write about something until I'm coming at it from the right perspective...until it's had a little time to simmer and settle. And such has been the case with my life these past six months or so. I've sat down and started to write about what is on my mind so SO many times...only to get frustrated that I can't sort it all out yet.

It has tried to take the shape of a post about being a loyal and supportive wife. It would start out with explaining how D-Hubby has finally chosen a career as a photographer. I would walk you through my journey, emotionally. I would want to tell you how excited I am that he's found something he loves...something that we love to do together...something that is creative and fulfilling. How I'm so proud of him. But I would also have to tell you my hesitations...my fears...knowing that this is something that will not ever likely make us financially wealthy...and will never have the kind of job security I expected my husband to have. I would have to explain how being self-employed makes me a little nervous...and excited!...and nervous. And I would have to admit how I wished I wasn't so conflicted sometimes...that I just always had the faith I should.

And then it I would try to cram everything into a post about just enjoying the little moments...the little things...because sometimes I would be so overwhelmed, I would forget. I would forget that life is not about visible accomplishments. I would write about how frustrated I was with a house that I never seem to be able to "stay on top of" because of my kids... and how I felt like I was doing it all alone...and then I would share the realization that my kids ARE my work...that when I forget that, I forget the five thousand reasons I have to be grateful and joyful every day. I would be able to bring myself to that moment of truth most completely by writing it all out.

IF I could just get it all out, that is.

Then I would save the draft. Then come back days, weeks later to try again.

For the what feels like bajillionth time I tried to sort out my life in words...I couldn't make it work. I still can't.

And even now, I want to write about how I'm feeling about working between 5-9 hours every day at a job other than my full-time one as a cook, housekeeper, family accountant, bookkeeper for family business, church primary leader, teacher, nurse, blah blah, student's wife and mother of two very busy toddlers. I think maybe it's the Lord's way of teaching me what things are really important...because there's not time for anything else at the moment. At the moment I'm blogging instead of showering. That's where I'm at, folks. Learning my lesson well, you see.

I had a friend make fun of me yesterday when I tried to express the struggle it's been to go back to work. I think maybe she thought I was whining. Maybe I was. Actually....I was. It doesn't nullify my need to talk about it, though...to write about it. I wish I could write it all out in a way that lays it bare, that makes the reader a perfect judge and helps the reader make a little more sense of herself.

But I can't. Not at the moment. I just can't seem to explain the ways my life, currently, is crazy and wonderful and so hard and so blessed all at the same time

The one thing I know, though, is that no matter how busy my life gets...by choice or necessity...I can't do it by myself. I can only do all I can. And no matter who's judging or watching or assuming or laughing or criticizing (most likely all in my head, anyways, of course) that I just keep doing the best that I can. I can't even tell you how many times I have been lifted and sustained by the love of my Father in Heaven over these past crazy months. There have been miracles, small and large...and whispers of encouragement in the most discouraging circumstances.

I know that, even through the fog, that He gives me things to hold onto...that even when I can't sort it out yet, or get a grasp on what-the-heck-is-going-on-anyway...when I can't put it into words or keep it straight...that I can take His hand and stay grounded. That, no matter what, He is there.

And I know that this insanity won't last forever. And if all it teaches me is how to press forward, steadfastly...and to understand what really is most important...then I suppose that I am entirely okay with that.

Maybe I should go shower...

Fairytales.

There have been lots of happy, busy things going on around here.

Like moving, and staring tutoring part-time in the evenings, and performing and finishing Cinderella, and getting a wisdom tooth pulled as an emergency procedure right in the middle of moving. Believe me, after the ache, that last one still lands in the "happy things happening" category. Just maybe not the cost part; it's the first year I haven't opted into D-Hubby's student health coverage...we figured there would be no problems this year, just like the other years. Oh boy, we were wrong.

Anyways. Happy, busy things! Right.

One of the happy, busy things I've had the opportunity to do in the past month or two was take engagement pictures for a dear friend from my Hometown and her fiance...who also happens to be from my hometown! They were friends, grew up together. She moved away, got married, had a baby. Her lame-o hubby bailed. And then her Prince Charming returned...ready to sweep her off her feet and treat her and her daughter the way they should have been treated all along.

And they lived Happily Ever After.
(sigh.)

I wanted to share a little of their session. One, because they have a great story. Two, because I really like them and how their pictures turned out. It makes me feel like I'm learning a little something, getting a little better. D-Hubby is taking their wedding photos, he's the real pro. Hopefully these prove he's rubbing off on me a little. Maybe? Maybe.

P.S. There's tons. And I was too lazy to put any side-by-side....so you get them ALL one-by-one, full-size. Haaaa.