D-Hubby

May I get a little mushy for a few minutes?

I sure like my D-Hubby.
Sometimes, he drives me crazy (but that's a good thing...remember? haha.) and I am very good at letting him know when he is and exactly why. I don't hide stuff like that from him, because I'm such a good wife (har)...And he's glad that I'm so dramatic about it...(BAhaha...I'm killing myself here!)

But most of the time, I just think he's the best.
I don't think I let him know why I love him as well as I let him know why he's making me bonkers...so here are a few things that have rolled through my thoughts lately as to why he's just perfect for me.

1) I love that he's so weird.
I kid you not, this is one of the things that first things that attracted me and kept me interested. He just doesn't think like anyone I know; his brain works totally differently!...and it fascinated me right from the start. I could not, for the life of me, figure him out. Sometimes I still can't. It keeps me curious and humbles me, especially when I try to play shrink and categorize his cute, weird head. He is definitely in a class all his own. And I love that.

2) I love that he is so transparent.
This kind of sounds opposite to number one. But it's not! Promise. Because the way that he's different and thinks differently is directly tied to how unaware he is of social "game-playing." He says it like he thinks it...which gets him into trouble sometimes, most often with me...but it means that he is always genuine. I never have to guess the way he really feels about certain situations (or meals, or outfits...) because he makes it completely apparent. And as much as I would just love him to lie to me sometimes and tell me that I'm gorgeous first thing in the morning, I am secretly kind of okay with the fact that he doesn't. It means that the times when he expresses admiration or appreciation or concern for me...it's as straight-up and real as it gets, and it melts me.

3) I love that he is creative and artistic.
Photography is his number one passion; but he is also just generally creative. I also enjoy lots of creative outlets, some the same like photography and design...but some different like music and writing...and it is one of my very favourite things about "us" as a couple: we are always excited and encouraging about trying new things, creatively. I love that I can consult him about how to design our home's furniture and art layout. I love that he trusts my judgement on which photos to include in a blog post. We are always honest with each other and are always challenging each other to create more and create better.

4) I love that he loves being a dad (and a 'grandson').
One of the first things that has always made the quality of his character apparent to me was the ease with which he interacted with the elderly folk and children. He loved hanging around both demographics, and they just instinctively enjoyed him, too. I think it has a lot to do with #2 up there (but that's just my working shrink-theory). His love of children has translated into him being an enthusiastic father, eager for time spent teasing, playing and snuggling with his babies. He jokes and visits easily with older folks. He's also a Baby-Holder; he's just as likely as I am to reach out and offer to hold someone's sweet little new addition.

5) I love that he's not a huge team-sports fan.
Not that there's anything wrong with it! In fact, sometimes I'm sure it would be nice for him to feel like he's up on the same "news" as some other husbands, having some common ground to share, chat about...or feeling like he would enjoy joining up with a community team league of some sort. But most of the time, when hockey or basketball or baseball or whatever gets all crazy, I am just grateful that he doesn't disappear on me, or care that much. I suppose I do trade it for overnight hikes in the mountains and evenings spent rock-climbing every now and then...but it's just not the same, somehow. It works for us.

The End.
Also, I let him read all of the posts that involve him, directly or indirectly, before I ever publish them. After letting him read this one, I realized that I should also mention how much I love his funny little embarrassed smile he gets when I am teasing him by being extra-romantic. I do so intentionally sometimes, just to make him cringe. He squirms like a school boy getting kissed by his mom, and it makes me belly-laugh every time. He always gets me back, some way or another (wet willy, anyone?), but that funny squirmy face makes every gushy gaze I sent his way worth every second. HAha!

I love that weirdo who is alllll mine.

Eleven Pieces of Marriage Advice

A BFF of mine got married a while ago.
Her wedding marked the end of an era!
And it made me think about what I would say to her by way of marriage advice to give her a good head start...the things I would go back and tell my engaged-self now.
I started most of these a few months ago, and just rediscovered the un-published list tonight. I polished it off, and am curious to know what you would add....what advice you would give your engaged self based off what you know now...(don't do it!!! maybe? Haha! Kidding!)
So if you want to add something, pleeeease do.

1) A Temple Marriage does not guarantee that your marriage will last; but how much it means to you does. 
It's whether you believe in the power of forever that will determine how much you fight for your marriage...how much you're willing to change, grow, humble yourself and forgive five thousand times or more. If you believe that your marriage is worth preserving, it will be. And that goes for both parties.

2) Lose the line "that's just the way I am." 
Because it doesn't work anymore. Marriage is the next step in growing, in PROGRESSing. That involves change. Hard changes, sometimes. When you sign up for marriage, it's like signing up to grow....to have any and all issues, weaknesses, and fears thrown open wide and made completely obvious. But it's also about being vulnerable like that together...and making it a safe place to work those things out.

3) Complain to his mom, not yours.
I heard this line recently and looooved it. It is so true! And when defending your husband is really important to you, this just feels intuitive. His mom knows him and all those little weaknesses already...and loves him anyways. Kind of like you do, in fact! And if he's being a butthead, she'll offer you sympathy and forgive him in the very same instant. Your own mother may find the forgiving-him part a little more difficult, so just don't go there. As far as your own mother is concerned, she has the PERFECT son-in-law. Always. This is nullified if there's abuse involved, obviously. Also, let your MIL somehow know that she will get a little venting once in a while...because you don't want her worrying that you tell just anyone about your frustrations like that...

4) Make each other one little promise before you marry of one thing/habit you will always do to show the other comes first. 
Like, he will always find you to give you a hug and kiss when he comes home, before anything else. Or...he'll always open the car door for you, no matter what. Or...she'll make his favourite meal once a month. Or...she'll always say "I love you" before going to bed. These are teensy little things that you will ALWAYS do, even if you're mad, that will remind you what this marriage thing is...and who that spouse of yours is. And in those hard times when you are frustrated with each other...being able to say "well, at least she still makes the effort to always keep orange juice in the fridge for me...I must still matter that much to her" just might make ALL the difference in the world.

5) Marriage may be a little lonely for the first little bit.
This is because loyalties are making their final transfers. The process was initiated before marriage already---learning to keep his secrets, learning to trust him, not blabbing everything to your friends/mom/sisters...just learning to be each other's "number one." The process continues into the first little bit of marriage as, suddenly, you have all these new, weird things that come up...you're introducing sex into the mix, here, people! And the temptation to turn to old confidants with new secrets will be strong. But resist! It is such a critical time for learning to trust and confide in each other...to communicate...that this first little bit is so precious. Talk to him first, tell him how you're feeling first, make him feel safe pouring his heart out to you, and work out your first little fights all in the privacy of just-you-and-him. It will feel a little lonely not to call your mom or BFF and "vent" or talk it out...but hang in there...the loyalty and faith in each other that you develop is worth every bit of self-restraint you can muster. Talk it out to your Father in Heaven. He's a way better listener, anyway.

6) Understand that if you drive each other nuts, it's a good sign.
In this one awesome article (that I cannot find the link for at the moment), the author talks about how marriage is set-up specifically for progression and joy. Therefore, you will naturally be attracted to the people who will test you, push you, and grow you the very most. Sometimes it will be because they inspire you to be better. But more often it may be because they drive you crazy...and that shows you an area of yourself that needs a little work...maybe that you have a hard time being patient with someone who clams up in a disagreement...or that you tend to be unnecessarily critical of physical appearance, a weakness laid open with a spouse that doesn't place as much importance on that. They will be the things that may have first endeared you to them...and then eventually just push your buttons. Recognize this truth...then embrace it...then do your darndest to let marriage do what it's supposed to...create a more incredible you...a more incredible you-and-him. Let these drive-you-crazy moments help you understand what you need to work on to create a love that's a little closer to perfect than the day before.

7) When it comes to being mad, it's all about you.
In that you are the only person who you can change. So whether you need to get a more mature perspective, whether you need to swallow some pride, whether you need to remember to let it go and forgive, or whether you just need to apologize for losing your temper...you can't make them fix it, but you can certainly do everything you can to fix yourself. And believe me, even when you think your anger is justified, there is always room for your own, personal improvement.

8) Remember that you fell in love with a human.
And humans are an incredibly complicated mix of wonderful and weak, brilliant and awful. And that means you, too. You didn't fall in love with the-future-husband-prince-charming-that-you've-been-dreaming-about-since-age-five, you fell in love with a man. And love is a choice. So choose to love your man. He's his own mix of crazy, and he's all yours. Love him like no one else can or will. It will be hard sometimes, but worth it.

9) Your definitions of "perfect" are different.
This one might take some explaining. An illustrative example from my husband and I: He was raised to value order. I was raised to value flexibility. While we both kind of value the other attribute as well, of course, but I would way rather be seen as someone who could handle whatever came their way without getting bent out of shape or stressing out...while he would way rather been seen as someone who always kept things in line and organized. I tend to pity inflexibility more than I would pity someone who was a little disorganized...because that's what I tend to believe is more valuable in someone's character. He would tend to scoff at someone who was a little disorganized rather than someone who got stressed out about disorder easily, because that's more along the lines of what he values in someone's character. My point is that neither of us is right about that, or wrong. The key is to be aware of that discrepancy...and to always be learning to appreciate strengths of all kinds, and have compassion for weaknesses of all kinds...especially each other's. ESPECIALLY. Because this is marriage advice, after all...

10) Keep the topics of sex, finances, and the division of work contention-free.
These three topics are the most common reasons marriages have problems. Want to know why? Because these are the tender areas where emotional (and other deeper) issues show up. If there's one or more of these things that are "sore spots" at any point in your marriage, first know that you are normal. And then realize that it means there's something underlying those issues that needs some work and healing. And then do everything you can to figure it out. Never feel ashamed if you need some professional help to fix it. And always be "airing out the laundry" on these issues on a frequent basis...well. on everything, really. Don't let anything fester. Some things need time, some things need disinfecting...know yourself well enough to know what you need to speak-up about.

And fiiiiinally...

11) You've got forever. This is actually the same as number one. But worth repeating. HAaa.
You will cry and be mad and you will have hard things to go through together. If both of you keep the perspective that this is a forever thing, not a just-until-this-gets-too-hard thing, things will eventually work themselves out. The Lord's got this. Put it in His hands, and it will all come around right. Have patience with each other and with your relationship. It's got time to grow and refine. Good thing, too...because I know I need a lot of practice...

Two Thousand Thirteen

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It amazes me how long I go without actually posting anything to this blog sometimes. It's surprising only because I am always posting on here in my head...and then I actually look at it and realize that none of it made it to the screen. That may be a good thing. Or not.

Anyways.

No secret: I love goal setting opportunities. But this year I'm feeling different...feeling like I'm still working on goals and have a lot of good momentum going...almost like I don't want to wreck it by stopping and thinking about more to add. Weird? Yeah. But even with that undercurrent of resistance, I read this fine lady's goal for the next year...and knew that was exactly what mine needed to be.

So I'm stealing her goal.
2013, for me, is about focusing on the One Needful Thing: my own learning at the Savior's feet.

Ta-daa! That is all.

P.S. By way of follow up (and an excuse to brag share my success), there are officially no "junk drawers" in our house! Or junk shelves, closets, etc. That doesn't mean that they aren't filled with junk, it just means that everything is organized and has a place...and is generally free of unwanted or unneeded junk (aka clutter). So, I confess I am pleased with and proud of how far that's come...even if it's taken the whole year to finally finish. Ha.
Now to keep it up once the pregnancy nesting energy runs dry...

Eating General Conference

Guys. I'm pregnant.
With Baby #3...again. I had a miscarriage in June, but now we're in week 12 of round two of trying for Baby #3. Exciting! Hopefully all goes well. Miscarriages are not fun...but I'm grateful for the experience; it has allowed me, even already (!), to offer an understanding to others I would not have had before.

Baby #3??! Can we talk about this. Because having three kids kind of scares me. Actually, I'll talk about that later, because I have a lot to work through. I'm taking you along on that one.

What I really want to talk about right now is brought to you by this post from the blog "The Weed."
(side note: this blog is from an LDS man who has recently 'come out' as gay...but is happily married with three children...and intends to stay that way. It is a blog that blows my mind every time I read it, and I love it. I love the care and delicacy with which he handles the issues...and how determined he is to live God's commandments, no matter what struggles he has been given in this life. It's raw, faith-strengthening, empathy-inducing, humbling stuff. I encourage you to take a look around at his blog if you have a minute. It's good stuff.)

ANYWAYS.

The post is the first of what I hope turns into a regular thing...a "check-in" of sorts. The blog's author says that he does this with clients of his (as a sex-addiction therapist) where they "check-in" on how they're doing physically, emotionally, spiritually...and then commit to do something this week, set a goal.

And as I'm reading through his post...and then the comments, where people "checked in" as well...I fell in love with the idea. SO I sat down with my paper and wrote out my "check in." When I got to the 'Spiritual' section, I had to think long and hard. Because it was General Conference weekend recently...and because it was rough.

Let me explain.

Once I had some "growing up" experiences as a teenager, and got past the I'm-annoyed-with-everything-in-my-life stage, I loved General Conference. I loved it for more than the delicious candy bag that my mom gave us. I loved it because I just sat there and soaked in the feelings of love and peace and learning that were just spilling over me. Some talks were remarkable and I remembered them. But mostly, it was just being reminded, by the Spirit of the Lord, over and over again, that He knew me, my heart, and loved me just the way I was.

I loved General Conference as a young adult, where I was navigating life on my own, and relying very heavily on my Father in Heaven to keep me afloat...in EVERY way, not just spiritually. It was affirming to feel that I was not alone. And that somehow, next month's rent would show up.

I loved General Conference as a full-time missionary. It was like Christmas! Two whole days of spiritual replenishing? Without having to do much of anything else except soak it up? Oh, it was heavenly.

And so, as a mother, I always look forward to General Conference with the same eagerness. I am eager to be filled. I am eager for the time to think about things bigger than me. And the laundry. I am eager to let my mind linger on things of eternal consequence, and to be reminded that I am loved. I am important. I can make a difference. I am anxious to be inspired to love better, to see others as He does, to serve.

And so, it was with this perspective I anticipated this past weekend. Pleasant Sigh!, thought I, a little break from the everyday!

BUT alas. T'was not so.
Because I am the mother of two toddlers.
Two beautiful....but active and noisy....toddlers.
And it was just me with them, mostly. Because my hubby loves us and works on Saturdays to keep us alive.

I caught things in snippets, in snatches, in a minute or two of quiet before two giggling kids jumped off the back of the couch onto my lap at the same time.
And it seemed that no matter what I could conjure up to distract or entertain them, as soon as I settled myself into the couch and faced the computer screen with any semblance of the interest I felt so deeply, it was their cue to disturb.
I tried lots and lots of things.
But, no.
I felt frustrated. And like I was only getting bites of a delicious feast right at my fingertips.
There were still little moments, however, where the Lord let me know He was aware of me and what I was feeling, like the lyrics of a song that was sung that pierced me to my heart and brought me to tears. That song was for me. And then a sentence of someone's talk would just stick out to me, just so...before the next toddler attack.

And then, all-of-the-sudden, it was all over. And I felt like I had missed it all...well, at least missed it all in the way I wanted to really experience it. I felt a little dismayed. A little disheartened. A little bummed. A little bugged.

But here's the thing: I was missing the point. And the Lord has taught me a lot in the last couple days as I've sulked a little, and been a little spiritually whiny about being the mom of my kids.

I had approached this conference with the intent to eat my fill of a feast in a weekend...when I'm in the season of my life where I have to eat small bites regularly. Make sense?

I have had seasons in my life where I could do that...feast, I mean...just sit there and soak it all in.
But things are a little different now.

In South Korea, when you sit down to eat a meal, there are a ton of teeny little dishes with teeny little amounts of things to eat...like not really more than a bite or two for each person. I always wondered how this was ever going to fill my hungry tummy. But sure enough, after a little here and a little there, I was stuffed. I couldn't even tell you one thing I ate more of than another...I had just taken a bite of this and a taste of that....and was thoroughly satisfied. I mused that maybe it was because it takes longer to eat a taste of each of those little things...and it actually gave your body a chance to realize it had what it needed, to realize it was full.

And I wonder...spiritually speaking....that maybe if I had been a little better about making sure I was always taking small bites...constantly, consistently...eating a little here and there...I wouldn't have felt such a desperate need to be stuffed to the max this weekend. Maybe if I was always making sure to get the spiritual nourishment when I can, in bites, in snatches, in snacks...I would have been more appreciative of the especially tender morsels that I tasted this weekend...instead of just whining about needing more.
Maybe if I make a better habit of feeding myself spiritually on a more consistent basis, I would find that more fall into my lap...because I'm more aware, more attentive, more willing to take what I'm being offered...more grateful, more humble. I would appreciate every little piece.

And I'm thinking that this is what I need to remember about this time in my life...this Time of Mothering Little Kids.
This time that won't last forever...but that will be gone before I know it.
This time in my life when the Lord teaches me how to appreciate the little things. Because, really, I suspect that He never intended Conference to be a one-time meal. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's about savouring it over the next several months. Feeling like I "missed it" is pretty silly, actually...because it's not really about a one-weekend-feast...I think it's more like we just got given all the groceries we need for the next 6 months. The instruction we've received is intended for many, many meals...and snacks...and bites...

Which is good. Because I need to learn to eat more regularly, in smaller portions.
And not just because I'm pregnant... (haaaa....)

And so, after my journal "check-in," I decided that my commitment was to get spiritual nutrition wherever I could, and whenever I can this week...in little bits and pieces here and there. Which means I have to check in next week and report how that's going. Okay? Okay.

FULL.

(siiiiiiiigh).

It has been so long. SO long.

Too long.

My life lately has been so...full. Overflowing with highs and lows, goods and bads, smiles and tears, happys and sads. I have felt so blessed and so weighed down. Buoyed up and barely floating. And don't even think I'm running out of metaphors for both ends of a spectrum. I'm just getting started. Ha.

But really. Does life ever get to be so...much...that you don't know how you're making it from one minute to the other? Barely keeping your head above water? I'm going to assume you're all nodding. It makes me feel better.

I'm exhausted.

This week it's preparing for a week-long backpacking trip. And then leaving my kids for ten looooooong days. And I can only hope that aside from totally beating up my happy body, that it rejuvenates my weary little heart. A nice escape to the beautiful, wild outdoors usually does me some good in that respect.


I'm curious to know what your mantras are for keeping your life's busy-ness in check, if you feel like sharing. What do you tell yourself, how do you remind yourself to just keep going, or to reevaluate where your time is spent?

Growing.

I think about when to have my third baby, sometimes.

I think about it when I have two on my lap competing for space and it's squishy. Where would my third baby go? On my head?

I think about it when I'm walking down the sidewalk with two little hands that want to be held. I don't have three hands.

I think about it when I have two kids whining and crying in the grocery store and all I can do is ignore it or I will cry, too. Would a third little wail push me over the edge? Four people bawling in a store is bound to attract even more attention than the hollering toddlers already do, no?

I think about it in church, when both me and my husband have our hands full with a cranky toddler each, trying to distract them, entertain them, escort them out, discipline them discreetly...wait; who's taking care of our third, imaginary kid?

I think about it when people on the outside are demanding my time, and when I'm expecting myself to be something I'm not, and when I'm trying to impress the wrong people. It's then that I'm almost certain I have no time for another human around here.


I think about it in the moments when I already feel overwhelmed, and I think: why do I even think I can handle one more? Let alone the two more we've always planned for? What are we thinking?

 ---

I also think about it when I have two snuggly kids who fill my arms and my lap, content to be nestled into me and each other. There is room for another warm little body in this pile, I think.
 

I think about it when we're walking to the park and two little hands rush up to bring me fistfulls of scrunched dandelions and a confused ladybug...then rush away to find something new. I could have another one here with me, keeping me company.

I think about it when we're at Superstore and going through our happy little ritual of seeing the fish and lobsters, then getting a cookie at the bakery, then saying hi to the dog statue on the way out...and how fun it is. Baby-Rae would love showing these favourite things to a little someone new.

I think about it in church, when my kids are flipping quietly through pictures of the Savior, handing each other snacks and giggling softly at the sheep. My D-Hubby has his arm around me and I just look at this family of mine. I could use more of these kind of people in my life.

I think about it when life is beautiful, which it is most of the time. And how I love my beautiful kids and can't wait to add more beautiful to my life. And how there is so much right about the moments when we are together and looking out for each other. And how life doesn't get any better than that.

---


I thought some more about it when I read this blog post, and I sympathized with her when she said that the spacing of 16 months was the toughest.
Yes.
I am just grateful that my 16-month-aparters are my first two. Still makes me crazy sometimes...but not as crazy as if I had a few others to think about on top of it all.


We want our kids close together. We want them to enjoy each other, play sports together. We want them to be close enough to fight and argue...and make up and be friends again. We want them to have to be kind to each other when they see their younger sibling in the hallway at the same school. We want to be young, energetic parents. We want to be young, energetic grandparents! We want to be able to have the number of kids we want before health concerns steal our time.

I know we don't always get the things we want, but here's hoping we get a few of those.

And while we hmm and haww about when to grow our family, the question, really, is more about when we, personally, are ready to grow ourselves...to push our boundaries, to deepen our experiences, to strengthen our abilities, and above all: expand our capacity for love.


So. Am I ready to grow?


Well. Today is a tough day. Maybe ask me tomorrow.

Overall, though, growing is a'ight.
We're usually down with it.

Rented.

I have quite a bit of time to just think while I drive bus. I think about lots of little things, and come to conclusions about the most random and disconnected series of subjects you've ever heard...on a daily basis.

Here's one:

I itch to own my own house.
I want total creative control over the colour of my walls and the light fixtures overhead. I don't want to panic when my kids draw on the walls, or worry whether the landlord is going to let us hang artwork or not. Someday, it will be really nice.
But, I thought, as we moved our furniture around this week yet again...(we do that often. I like to think that it's the artist in both my husband and I that likes to keep things visually fresh and interesting. Or that we have decorating ADD) that there are some things that I really like about renting, too.
I like not having to worry about setting money aside for having the roof redone or the windows replaced. I like that the desire to renovate and update isn't always at the back of my mind, greedy for my extra dollars. I think I like that the most, actually. I often think about what I would do to change the houses I live in, the homes I rent. But I am actually comforted by the fact that there's not really anything I can do about it. It forces me to accept what I have. It pushes me to be creative in my home decor, and not just endure but embrace what's there so that it looks good, all together. I like having to make the most of it. I like that I don't have property taxes. I like that I'm not scraping by, barely keeping my head above water financially because I jumped into home ownership before I could really afford it...and all that goes with it. I like renting. For now.
Someday, we will buy a home, and we will love it. It will be awesome. And it will bring different blessings and different challenges. I will be a happy homeowner.
Until then, I've decided to love renting.
Because sometimes, renting really is awesome.