Friendship After Marriage.

...It's a funny thing.

So I remember being a young, single adult not-so-long ago, watching friends get married.
And I remember always, always expecting them to fall off the face of the earth for a while post-matrimony. And then to be awkward around single friends for a loooong time thereafter.
We didn't really resent the friends that disappeared. We were pretty sure it had to happen for some reason... because it always happened to everyone we knew that got married.... figured it just came with the second ring or something. Marriage changes friendships, the long and short of it.

And so when friends got engaged, there was a bittersweet feeling to the occasion.
(Insert forlorn sigh here.)
We knew we were losing a friend. Orrr, at least losing the friend as we knew him or her at that moment. Marriage meant our friendships had to change.

Being on the other side of the equation has been a whole new experience. Eye-opening, fer-sher.

As a single gal, friendships with other girls...and even guys...was generally about disclosure, I think.
It was about who you could trust with your heart...who you could go to after a great date, or a bad date, and spill your stinkin guts. It was about who you didn't have to look smokin-hot-all-the-time for. It was about secrets over fondue, secrets over candles, secrets over popcorn. The friends you loved and trusted the most got the most of your secrets. They knew why you actually broke up with so-and-so...not just because you weren`t ready for a serious relationship right now (ha.)...and what your current boyfriend did that bugged you just a little. They were the ones you could just haaaaang with, doing absolutely nothing and still having a blast. You knew someone considered you a true friend if they told you who they really liked (like, for real; not the guy that she tells you because she doesn't really care if it works out or not. The guy that she'd embarrassed to admit because she thinks about him way too much) while they slept over at your house and let you see them first thing in the morning.
Depth of friendship was gauged by how much of yourself you could let them see.
All about those golden few friends who you could trust with your secrets....and really, with you.

Well, D-Hubby and I got married quick.
Once we realized we were dating for real here (aka: "seriously"), we made sure we were working on building the best-friendship part of our relationship...which took effort and sacrifice, like any friendship, just at warp speed. BaHa. Building our relationship meant that we needed to be able to trust each other with our secrets. It meant shifting my loyalties to put him at the top of the list. It meant I couldn't tell my best other-pals everything about this guy I'm dating. It meant that above all, in every situation, I was duty-bound to keep his secrets and "protect his honour"...maybe not the right phrase, but y'know what I mean? It was a perspective shift when it came to maintaining or making friendships from that point on. What if I said too much? My secrets were not just MY secrets anymore, and they were more important to keep.

And I remember what that felt like as 'the single friend' when my other friends got married. You could just sense that something was changing...that you weren't the one who knew everything anymore, weren't the friend they went to FIRST....when they started shifting loyalties from telling you everything to telling you only what you needed to know. Which was okay. A little sad, naturally, but okay. I guess. And supposed to happen. Marriages struggle when that doesn't happen. Or stick, for that matter.
 
This paradigm shift has been one of the major adjustments to marriage for me, I've decided. I'm not gonna lie: it was (and still can be) an ofttimes lonely adjustment. Marriage comes with a lot of new things to talk about. And rather than say too much, you say nothing at all. And every once in a while, my newly-wed-self (who am I kidding, I`m still a newlywed!) felt like I was going to implode with pent-up too-serious-for-slumber-party girl-talk.

BUT. Before this sounds like I`m whining...
The adjustment is SO worth it.

The investment of time into your new built-in-forever-best-friend is awesome. And because of all that you're investing, the return is a friend who is more special to you than any other friend ever has been. A perfect friendship? No way, Jose. But the most worthwhile one you'll ever create? Most definitely.

My point: Adjusting from single-friendships to married-friendships (both with your spouse and other people) is a toughie. A necessary toughie. At least it has been for me.
Maybe by 5 years married I'll understand how it works.
...Or the weirdness will just be normal and I'll forget how it was weird in the first place....and wonder why newly-married girls are so weird about being friends, like they want to have slumber parties and tell secrets to be friends, those weird newlyweds. Just come to the waterpark with me and my kids and we'll just take turns smiling friendship-like at each other while we chase our offspring around. Maybe we'll talk about our kids. And some great secret recipes.

:)

...Weird.

Time.

I've been thinking a lot about my time on the internet lately. And what the heck I'm doing while I'm on it.
Because...sometimes I can't explain how I just spent x-amount of time sitting in front of that glowing screen.

...Well, maybe I can...I check Facebook, I check my email, I check blogs I follow, I check recipes, I check Kijiji for such-and-such, I check my other email account, I get distracted by the "news" stories on the email homepage, I get an email to check another cool blog, I surf for a certain tutorial on this sewing thing I haven't figured out, I drool over some more recipes, creep on some photography blogs, and finish off by probably checking Facebook again.

What's been bothering me lately is that it's all I do when I have nothing else to do (orr....don't want to do whatever else I should be doing...ha). I haven't been very creative with my free-time. I just spend it looking at things I can make with some extra time. Ha....just dreaming, not doing.
The other day I came to the conclusion that there's got to be something else I can do with a little free time here and there....so I brainstormed...and this is what I got:

-Start a good book

-Write a journal entry

-Scrapbook a page of Renae’s photos

-Write a poem

-Write a song

-Go for a walk

-Have a dance party

-Do an exercise video

-Take a nap

-Plan ways to show Darren I love him

-Give myself a manicure/pedicure

-Have a bubble bath

-Discover a new favourite song

-Learn about someone worth looking up to

-Write a talk or lesson

-Create a church lesson visual

-Create a piano-teaching visual

-Create an FHE lesson

-Re-purpose something for Renae

-Try to invent a sewing project

-Do some yard-work

-Research a new country

-Research something else new

-Start learning a new language

-start a BYU personal enrichment class

-practice a new hairstyle

-play with a new way to do makeup

-write an email to someone I haven’t talked to in a while

-find some good quotes and pictures that go well together

-make a collage

-put a little package together to mail to a friend or family member

-try out a new recipe

-make some sugar cookies and practice decorating skillz...

-pick one of the scripture mastery verses and memorize it

-write a letter to one of my converts, companions, or mission president

-practice my French

-Plan a vacation, even if we never take it...research what to do, where to eat, etc.

-Call visiting teachees....just to say hello

-Call mom, heather, jocie...or nysha, leilani, momR

-take some pictures...edit them, too

-learn something about Photoshop Elements

-Organize a cupboard or closet

-Go to the library

-Go to the pool

-Arrange a playdate with someone(s)

-Make beeeautiful cupcakes

-write up a meal plan for the upcoming week

-make some freezer meals

-make a big batch of something and freeze it

-wax my legs, or something else...or just give legs a really good shave

-tweeze my eyebrows

-de-junk something

-go through clothing, mine, Renae’s, whoever

-give some corner of the house a spring-clean

-print out a picture to frame

So, apparently, there's actually a lot more things I could think of doing, other than just surfing the 'net.
And in all reality, some of these things even take time on the internet or computer. But at least it's focused time, y'know? 

Really, I love the internet, I love computers, and they are hands-down necessary these days...I'm not anywhere near boycotting my lovely little PC (named Rico Suave for all interested. Dreamy little beast.) or smashing the laptop with a sledgehammer in protest. I just have needed some reminding that I have a lot more options, and a lot less excuse for a lazy, blah, aimless internet-surf when I have a few precious minutes to relax and rejuvenate.

And because making a stack of thank-you cards for future occasions...and sewing curtains made from Walmart sheets...whilst watching episodes of Castle online....is way more fun than just reading about it on someone else's blog. Trust you me.

Not my picture, D-Hubby's actually.

I. Love. Those. Rollllllls.

Only three short weeks left until she's one.

Home With Little Ladies.

This week I've been watching my next-door-neighbor's little girl. And watching the Toddler I normally sit for a few times, too. And--let's not forget--my own little beebee.

It's been fun. Three little girlies under the age of  2 equals one messy house, that's fer darn sure. The first day, I picked the plastics back up each time after the girls were done emptying the cupboard. That was the last day I did. Now, my plastics are my kitchen floor's delightful little ornaments until all girlies have exited the building, or are in bed. Then my house gets returned to its pre-tornado state.
But what's really caught my attention this week was how grateful I am that I get to stay home with my little girl. And assuming that I'll always get to stay home while my kids are young, these are the things that I've been thinking about...that I'm grateful for:

I'll never have to wonder what kind of mothering my kids are actually getting...like the day-in, day-out every day kind of mothering. The kind that I'm not always there to give. Are they being taught correct principles? Are they being taught with love and kindness? Does someone else lose their patience with my baby?
I'll never have to wonder if my kid would rather be at their babysitter's than at home.
I'll never have to 'get used' to being away from my kids...it'll never be a big adjustment or a special event to have a whole day with them.
I'll know what kind of food they're eating. I'll know just the things they like to do in their play-time, what book they pick up first from a pile.
I'll be around for rare teaching opportunities like when they see a butterfly for the first time, or bubbles, or a bug. Or when they hit someone else for the first time.
I'll have a little time to sit and watch them every once in a while. I won't be quite as surprised at how fast they're growing up because I'll be there. I won't have to wonder what I'm missing.
I won't have to wonder if someone is loving them enough, if they're getting enough hugs, if they're feeling comforted when they're sad. If they're just having a rough time, I'll be able to just sit and cuddle them for a few minutes in the middle of the day.
I'll be there to see how they draw their pictures. They'll be there to help me make cookies for Daddy.
I'll be there to teach them how to pick up their toys. And how to fold laundry. And they'll be there to teach me patience, and that it doesn't matter how the towels are folded.
I'll be able to let them sleep until they need to in the mornings, and put them to sleep when they need to go to bed at night. I won't need to run errands during the only few hours we have together.

And y'know, my intention is not at all to gloat that I get to stay home...or demean anyone that works outside the home. These girlies that I've been watching this week are the daughters of single moms. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. And I admire those ladies for doing what they have to do to provide for and nurture their babies. Alone! How do they do it without a D-Hubby of their own???
My thoughts on the matter are purely out of gratitude for my situation...that I can be with them, and I choose to be with them. Both.

P.S. On a side note, how funny is it to watch two only-child babies interact? I've been enjoying fits of laughter at the looks on these girls faces as someone dares to play with a toy they want. It's never happened before! Well, maybe just for Baby-Rae. New Baby usually goes to daycare, so she knows how to take what she wants. Baby-Rae on having to share the toy she's currently playing with AND her mom with someone else? SOoo not impressed. And maybe to me, it's just a little funny... :)

Grateful.

I'm grateful...

-for warm bran muffins in the morning. With honey butter.

-for a whiny baby; it makes me appreciate a happy baby all the more.

-for people who have cooking talent and have created awesome recipes for my family to enjoy. Thanks, People.

-for great friends who offer to watch my baby when I need it...and they mean it, they're not just being nice!

-that Baby-Rae's teeth are coming through...it's SO cool to watch her grow up.

-for a baby that has taken a while to get crawling. She made her way over to the laundry basket yesterday by coasting along the furniture...and just about emptied the whoooole thing onto the floor. I would have way more messes to clean up if she was more mobile than she already is. And I know that she'll crawl when she's good and ready. Until then, walking assisted will do just fine.

-for afternoon naps. I'll take 'em while I need 'em and can get 'em.

-for a hubby that loves to take pictures...and who is good at it...and who is willing to teach me...and encourage me when I take them, too.

-for my new aloe plant. I sure like that little cactus-y thing.

-for a baby who sleeps right through the night, every night, and wakes up at a decent hour. I'm so much more pleasant to be around because of her.

-for a pending #2 Baby! That is healthy so far.

-for a first trimester that wasn't nearly as difficult as it was with Baby-Rae. I like food! And I like to keep it inside me after I've eaten it.

-for yummy baby dill pickles that satisfy my salty prego cravings.

-for 2 for 1 Blizzard deals at DQ...a dangerous deal for an ice-cream loving family.

-for the beautiful spring sunshine...can anything be sad on sunny days like this? I don't think so. They're so...hopeful.


-for my thumbs. Do you know how hard it would be to do without those things???

-for a car that runs and is kinda cute.

-for clean and healthy accomodations. And a soon-to-be backyaaaard!!!

-for the knowledge I have of  a Father in Heaven who loves me.

-And for a whole, big, beautiful day ahead of me...

Provided For.

I have several memories from way back yonder of my mom telling me I was too independent.


She was right.
Luckily, I figured that out at some point
.
I think I learned the difference between independence and interdependence while serving as a missionary for a year and a half at the age of 21. I was assigned another missionary as a companion. For safety reasons, we had to work together, live together, play together 24/7 for the time we were assigned to each other. It meant we had to learn to rely on each other and work together to get things done. The more unified we were, the better things went. It meant a lot of communication, a lot of honesty, and a lot of patience.
But they were lessons I had to learn. And they are ones that I'm still learning.

But that stinkin' too-independent streak flares up every once in a while, particularly in the area of being "provided-for."

D-Hubby and I agreed, before we got married, on what our general roles would be as husband and wife, father and mother. We decided that, generally, D-Hubby would be the primary provider (and that doesn't just mean money). And I would be the primary caregiver (and that doesn't just mean hugs and baked bread). Now, obviously those roles are not clear-cut and mutually exclusive. The ebbing and flowing thing, remember? We believe our roles are equally important, even though they're not the same. And we would stand beside each other in leading our family.

We agreed.
(Enter: wedding bells, chirping birds, riding off into the sunset, choirs singing.)
Ahhhh....
Thennn...
(Enter: reality.)
...I mean, the chirping birds and beauty are totally real, too. It's just that unexpectedly real stuff that comes with marriage enters here.

The unexpected struggle?
Going from being the single gal who made money when she needed money, provided for herself in whatever areas she needed... to sharing that responsibility with a hubby. To trusting him with the 'bread winning.' To learning to have faith in him to do it, and to do it well. To handing over the reins in that area, so to speak.

It really made me wonder if I did, indeed, have latent control-freak tendencies I'd never known about before. I worried about whether was really studying as hard as he could in school. Whether he was really searching high and low for a reasonably well-paying summer job. Whether he was really working as hard as he could when he was working at a full-commission sales position. Whether he really knew how much we really needed the moola.

Talk about pressure...for HIM!

I didn't--and don't--verbally express my mini-freak-outs to him all the time, but I know he senses my stress on occasion, especially the times when things are especially tight. My big fakie smile and feigned casual tone are all-too transparent when I'm asking, "Don't you have studying to do...? Sweetie, dear... future-breadwinner...?"
Poor guy.
And, like I said before, a major test of trust and faith on my part.

I don't think the solution is a dual-income household simply for the sake of eliminating the struggle.
I think that's a band-aid.
I really do think the set-up that we've got is an amazing opportunity for learning how to trust each other. I've got to trust he's doing his job. He's got to trust that he can come to me for love and support when the pressure is on...not apprehension and criticism.

And if our financial situation was ever so SOoo bad that it necessitated me working outside the home, then so be it. But it doesn't right now. And I'm so grateful. It means our clothes are cheap, and we stock up on bread when it's on the 50% off rack, but hey: cheap bread tastes surprisingly delicious.

I've got a long way to go. I still panic a little sometimes, and then start checking Kijiji for something, anything that I can feasibly do while still being at home with Baby-Rae (do you know how many times I've considered graveyard shift work, something I can do while Baby-Rae's sleeping? More than I care to admit.). My point is just that it's not because we actually need the extra income to survive, it's because I'm losing faith: fearing too much, and trusting too little. And that's not something I can afford to be without.
Money? Maybe.
Faith? Heck, no.

So here's to providers: you've got a tough job. Kudos to you. Thanks for working so hard.

And to the provided-for? You, too.