Eating General Conference

Guys. I'm pregnant.
With Baby #3...again. I had a miscarriage in June, but now we're in week 12 of round two of trying for Baby #3. Exciting! Hopefully all goes well. Miscarriages are not fun...but I'm grateful for the experience; it has allowed me, even already (!), to offer an understanding to others I would not have had before.

Baby #3??! Can we talk about this. Because having three kids kind of scares me. Actually, I'll talk about that later, because I have a lot to work through. I'm taking you along on that one.

What I really want to talk about right now is brought to you by this post from the blog "The Weed."
(side note: this blog is from an LDS man who has recently 'come out' as gay...but is happily married with three children...and intends to stay that way. It is a blog that blows my mind every time I read it, and I love it. I love the care and delicacy with which he handles the issues...and how determined he is to live God's commandments, no matter what struggles he has been given in this life. It's raw, faith-strengthening, empathy-inducing, humbling stuff. I encourage you to take a look around at his blog if you have a minute. It's good stuff.)

ANYWAYS.

The post is the first of what I hope turns into a regular thing...a "check-in" of sorts. The blog's author says that he does this with clients of his (as a sex-addiction therapist) where they "check-in" on how they're doing physically, emotionally, spiritually...and then commit to do something this week, set a goal.

And as I'm reading through his post...and then the comments, where people "checked in" as well...I fell in love with the idea. SO I sat down with my paper and wrote out my "check in." When I got to the 'Spiritual' section, I had to think long and hard. Because it was General Conference weekend recently...and because it was rough.

Let me explain.

Once I had some "growing up" experiences as a teenager, and got past the I'm-annoyed-with-everything-in-my-life stage, I loved General Conference. I loved it for more than the delicious candy bag that my mom gave us. I loved it because I just sat there and soaked in the feelings of love and peace and learning that were just spilling over me. Some talks were remarkable and I remembered them. But mostly, it was just being reminded, by the Spirit of the Lord, over and over again, that He knew me, my heart, and loved me just the way I was.

I loved General Conference as a young adult, where I was navigating life on my own, and relying very heavily on my Father in Heaven to keep me afloat...in EVERY way, not just spiritually. It was affirming to feel that I was not alone. And that somehow, next month's rent would show up.

I loved General Conference as a full-time missionary. It was like Christmas! Two whole days of spiritual replenishing? Without having to do much of anything else except soak it up? Oh, it was heavenly.

And so, as a mother, I always look forward to General Conference with the same eagerness. I am eager to be filled. I am eager for the time to think about things bigger than me. And the laundry. I am eager to let my mind linger on things of eternal consequence, and to be reminded that I am loved. I am important. I can make a difference. I am anxious to be inspired to love better, to see others as He does, to serve.

And so, it was with this perspective I anticipated this past weekend. Pleasant Sigh!, thought I, a little break from the everyday!

BUT alas. T'was not so.
Because I am the mother of two toddlers.
Two beautiful....but active and noisy....toddlers.
And it was just me with them, mostly. Because my hubby loves us and works on Saturdays to keep us alive.

I caught things in snippets, in snatches, in a minute or two of quiet before two giggling kids jumped off the back of the couch onto my lap at the same time.
And it seemed that no matter what I could conjure up to distract or entertain them, as soon as I settled myself into the couch and faced the computer screen with any semblance of the interest I felt so deeply, it was their cue to disturb.
I tried lots and lots of things.
But, no.
I felt frustrated. And like I was only getting bites of a delicious feast right at my fingertips.
There were still little moments, however, where the Lord let me know He was aware of me and what I was feeling, like the lyrics of a song that was sung that pierced me to my heart and brought me to tears. That song was for me. And then a sentence of someone's talk would just stick out to me, just so...before the next toddler attack.

And then, all-of-the-sudden, it was all over. And I felt like I had missed it all...well, at least missed it all in the way I wanted to really experience it. I felt a little dismayed. A little disheartened. A little bummed. A little bugged.

But here's the thing: I was missing the point. And the Lord has taught me a lot in the last couple days as I've sulked a little, and been a little spiritually whiny about being the mom of my kids.

I had approached this conference with the intent to eat my fill of a feast in a weekend...when I'm in the season of my life where I have to eat small bites regularly. Make sense?

I have had seasons in my life where I could do that...feast, I mean...just sit there and soak it all in.
But things are a little different now.

In South Korea, when you sit down to eat a meal, there are a ton of teeny little dishes with teeny little amounts of things to eat...like not really more than a bite or two for each person. I always wondered how this was ever going to fill my hungry tummy. But sure enough, after a little here and a little there, I was stuffed. I couldn't even tell you one thing I ate more of than another...I had just taken a bite of this and a taste of that....and was thoroughly satisfied. I mused that maybe it was because it takes longer to eat a taste of each of those little things...and it actually gave your body a chance to realize it had what it needed, to realize it was full.

And I wonder...spiritually speaking....that maybe if I had been a little better about making sure I was always taking small bites...constantly, consistently...eating a little here and there...I wouldn't have felt such a desperate need to be stuffed to the max this weekend. Maybe if I was always making sure to get the spiritual nourishment when I can, in bites, in snatches, in snacks...I would have been more appreciative of the especially tender morsels that I tasted this weekend...instead of just whining about needing more.
Maybe if I make a better habit of feeding myself spiritually on a more consistent basis, I would find that more fall into my lap...because I'm more aware, more attentive, more willing to take what I'm being offered...more grateful, more humble. I would appreciate every little piece.

And I'm thinking that this is what I need to remember about this time in my life...this Time of Mothering Little Kids.
This time that won't last forever...but that will be gone before I know it.
This time in my life when the Lord teaches me how to appreciate the little things. Because, really, I suspect that He never intended Conference to be a one-time meal. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's about savouring it over the next several months. Feeling like I "missed it" is pretty silly, actually...because it's not really about a one-weekend-feast...I think it's more like we just got given all the groceries we need for the next 6 months. The instruction we've received is intended for many, many meals...and snacks...and bites...

Which is good. Because I need to learn to eat more regularly, in smaller portions.
And not just because I'm pregnant... (haaaa....)

And so, after my journal "check-in," I decided that my commitment was to get spiritual nutrition wherever I could, and whenever I can this week...in little bits and pieces here and there. Which means I have to check in next week and report how that's going. Okay? Okay.