Today, I just happened to walk out of the Mother's Lounge (the comfy place to breastfeed) at church at precisely the wrong time, witnessing a brief, but heated, exchange between a friend and her husband. I debated pretending I hadn't seen anything, but I didn't. It was um...obvious that I had totally seen everything. And she needed a hug. And she cried about it, and vented a little, and took a deep breath. We hugged again, and parted ways.
And I was so grateful. For her. For that moment.
Because, you see, this morning before church I was feeling so...low, and scattered. There was the normal craziness of getting ready for church, and then feeling like I had nothing to wear, nothing was clean, I have to do laundry, and catch up on the dishes from yesterday and no one else must have these issues with keeping up with life, and I have to get myself together because I need to parent three kids through church without anyone being disrupted, but I am feeling so overwhellllllllmmmmeeeed. I just want to feel calm inside. I just want a break from my own head. I have no room left in my brain to think clearly, or to think about anything else, everything else that needs to get done. How does everyone else do it!?
My friend didn't have to let me in. She didn't have to let me comfort her and let me see more of her difficult situation. She could have left, walked away, pretended everything was okay when I came over. And I would have let her, of course, because it was hers to share or hide. But she was brave, and she let me be there for her. She opened up her hurting heart.
And I was so comforted. Not because I needed to know that she had issues...but because I needed to know that it was okay to have them. That it was okay to talk about them. That it was okay to be open to love and comfort when I need them. I felt unburdened simply by being witness to her willingness to share and be open.
I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately, and I still don't feel like I have that comfortable grip on what it is to me, yet. It feels so raw and elusive. Which is maybe exactly what it's supposed to be. I only have messy thoughts, questions I've been asking myself.
I feel like we, as a culture, are not very friendly to people being vulnerable. We condemn people for "oversharing" and tsk-tsk people who bear their souls. It's like we feel the need to cover up their naked emotions. Hey, um...did you know that you're supposed to act like you don't feel like that??? How embarrassing that you don't know that we just don't SAY things like that out loud! We're pretending to be perfect here, helllllooo! Okay, you totally let your weakness show there...(giggle, snicker)... So...can we just stop that? Like right now? Is it possible that maybe that person knew perfectly well that you would look down on them for talking out loud about their difficult moment, or feeling genuinely grateful for a success...and did it anyway? That they actually did it because they were courageous? Brave? That they were opening themselves up to love and support, knowing FULL WELL that they are also opening themselves up to judgement and silent-ish ridicule? That they knew they were supposed to be pretending to be perfect? Maybe, just maybe, it was more important to them to be open and authentic...real!...than to appear like they had it together every minute of every day. You could argue that some are doing it for attention, fine. But they are being pretty dang clear that they need some attention, don't you think? That they need people reaching out in love, even just with a little uplifting word here and there. Is it really our job to withhold love and comfort from someone, just to teach them a lesson about the right way to get attention???
What is it about someone opening up that is scary or uncomfortable for us? Are we maybe a little jealous that they don't feel bound by the same fears we do? Do we want to silence them because we are offended that they don't seem to struggle with the same battle that we do with fearing the opinions of others? Are we willing to give our fears a run for their money by opening up ourselves? Are we willing to be loved? Are we willing to be hurt? Are we willing to just BE who we are, as we are, in that moment?
What does vulnerability look like in my life? Where can I apply this strength, this humility, in the ways I need it most?
I have friends that are my role models for their ability to be open and vulnerable. I respect the heck out of them. Someday, I want to be as brave as they are. I am working on it.
With those messy questions on this quiet and thoughtful night, I'll leave you with this TED talk I've listened to recently that got me thinking in the first place. It's a oldie, but a goodie. And worth a second listen, even if you've heard it before.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Once-a-Month Grocery Shopping
SOooo...let's create some background here.
Last year (about this exact time, actually) I was stymied by all of these Pinterest pins and blog posts about grocery shopping once a month. I just couldn't even fathom going that long without re-stocking fresh produce, and other such perishable items! At that point, I was grocery shopping once every week or two, nothing crazy. I also kind of liked grocery shopping...I like food, and I enjoy cooking...so it was kind of exciting to be surrounded with all of the possibilities! Ha.
But I also like saving money. Not in a save-money-no-matter-what! kind of way...but definitely in a student-family-needs-to-keep-it-frugal kind of way.
I was curious, so I started by evaluating how much I had spent on groceries/household-necessities for the past three months. I thought I was super-thrifty...so the amount I actually spent kind of shocked me. It was the motivation I needed to look into the whole idea more seriously.
So I did it for a few months last winter...AND I LOVED IT. I plan to do it again this year...and just read a post that got me all pumped up about it again. Since I've got it back on the brain, I figured I'd share what I learned the last time around...y'know freshen up and air out my memory, or something like that.
Number One Concern for me was fresh produce. I love me my fruits and veggies! And it's important to me to feed them to my family. I didn't get how it worked to just buy them once a month... But THIS POST totally changed my brain when it came to how I thought about it. After reading it, having fresh produce the whole month sounded actually do-able for the first time.
My own best tips for produce:
-Initially, I listed all the fruits and vegetables I could possibly think of that my family actually used. I then went through each fruit or veggie and put a number "1" beside them if it would only last a week or less..."2" if it would last up to 2 weeks..."3" if it would last up to three weeks...and "4" beside the ones that could last all month. This gave me a good, giant reference list. And helped me know which meals needed to be planned for which weeks (ie. Taco Salad in the first week, when the lettuce, tomatoes, and avocados are around). It actually surprised me how many I had that could last the whole month: carrots, beets and other root veggies, apples, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, onions, garlic, squash, even things like cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli in the right conditions (coincidence that most of those that keep for longer are "winter veggies?" I think not. Side benefit of shopping once a month through the winter? Eating more seasonally! Awesome.)
-Leafy greens: I would buy a TON of leafy greens (especially spinach & kale). For the first week or two it's lots of fresh salads. Weeks three and four we get our daily greens by making frozen smoothie bags. Frozen greens also make a great addition to stir-fry's, soups, spinach lasagnas...PLUS! we would even juice greens and freeze the juice in ice cube trays to add to smoothies...or to thaw and sip slowly in a glass.
-Juicing: the first couple weeks were fresh-pressed green juices, the last couple more of the beets, apples, and carrot juices...with maybe a green juice ice cube tossed in (see above).
-I would buy bananas like crazy, too, because they got eaten fresh, frozen in smoothie bags, or frozen and made into banana bread or banana "ice cream."
-The freezer is your best friend. I realized that I totally under-appreciated frozen veggies and fruits before shopping once a month. Example? Avocados can be frozen (scooped out of the skin) and then thawed for guacamole. Awesome.
-Look up internet tips and tricks for keeping produce fresh longer. The "wrap celery in tin foil" one actually works alright!
And dairy.
-My mom has always frozen milk growing up, so it was easy to imagine buying enough for the month and just thawing a jug when needed. The catch with this one is enough freezer space. If we did run out, it was the perfect opportunity to try dairy substitutes like coconut milk and homemade nut milks. We use these more often than dairy milk this year anyways, so I don't anticipate any problems this year.
-Cheese can be shredded and frozen, but it also keeps pretty well on its own for the month, too. You can apparently freeze cheese in slices as well, but I've never tried it...I can see it being useful for making sandwiches at the end of the month, though. I would shred a block and freeze it in smaller quantities since we usually use cheese for things like quesadillas, soup toppings, and tacos anyways.
-Blocks of butter freeze and thaw beautifully.
-Eggs last a month. Just take them out of their carton and place them all into a little basket or container in your fridge, gently piling them on top of each other. Takes up less space.
-Our plain, full-fat yogurt lasted the month just fine.
And meats.
-We don't really eat a lot of meat, but what we do eat, we would buy in bulk and freeze in smaller portions so we only had to thaw a meal-sized amount at one time.
-Right after grocery shopping, I would cook and shred half of my chicken breasts (or thighs, whatever). and stick the cooked, shredded meat into the freezer in its own bag. That way it was convenient for soups, toss into quesadillas, white chili's, etc. Just made a real meal so much more accessible on the days where I didn't want to cook...
Pros to shopping once-a-month:
-A healthier view of grocery shopping. Grocery shopping was kind of my 'retail therapy' before, and it was fun and exciting to me to imagine what I could make with so many choices, and something to get-out-of-the-house and do...which it still is, in a way...but now I feel like it's not the "hobby" it once was. After once-a-month for a few months, it became something with less emotional implications and just something that needed to get done. Which also translated into spending less.
-It challenged me, creatively, in the kitchen. When things would start to run out near the end of the month, I was determined to try and make it until the end of the month anyways...so it would push me to use what I had on hand and not just run out to the store and grab some more of what I thought I needed. I actually used the vegetables that I had frozen earlier and was finally pushed to home-make things that I hadn't really needed to before (like finally cooking dried beans...ha!). I surprised myself with meals I never would have tried otherwise... that were actually delicious and nutritious despite thinking I had "nothing in the house."
-It saved money. I think this is for two reasons: like I said in the first reason, it helped me not grocery shop as a "hobby" anymore, which reduced the emotional spending. The second reason is simply that when you are not at the store as often, there's not as much opportunity to spend on things you don't need.
-More time to spend on other fun stuff! My kids are good grocery shoppers, so it was always a fun little outing for us, but after hauling them and groceries around to a few stores, the rest of the day was pretty much shot for being productive as we came home spent. Grocery shopping once means more days that can be used for play dates, drop-in activities at the local YMCA, walks, and other fun things.
The downsides of once-a-month shopping:
-HAVING ENOUGH SPACE to put everything, whether it be freezer space, fridge space, or counter/shelf space. I would always feel like I was drowning in groceries for the first week or two. And that my fridge and freezers were overflowing. We have an upright deep freeze...and a "produce shelf" in the kitchen has helped tons...but I still anticipate feeling a little overwhelmed every time I'm putting a month of groceries away. Waiting until the very last second to go grocery shopping helped with making room, I found.
-Having your entire monthly grocery amount in one large, lump sum. I realize this isn't really a problem for most, but a student budget combined with an owning-your-own-business budget can get kind of patchy sometimes, so sometimes having ALL of our grocery money for the month at the beginning of the month was not always realistic.
-In my opinion, it's something that only really works through the winter months. Once the Spring produce rolls in, I start grocery shopping (even if it's just produce!) a little more often. I try and eat fairly seasonally, and the spring and summer produce (asparagus! strawberries! peaches!) doesn't keep as well. During this past summer, I tried to just get non-perishables once or twice a month...and then get produce at the farmer's market on a weekly basis.
-Last time I did once a month shopping, I had two kids that both fit in the cart so I could take them on one giant grocery shopping trip...now, though, I have three kiddos and that won't work...so this time around, I'll have to go by myself.
Extra details?
-I meal-planned, but not rigidly...it was more like a list of meals I would make that month, with them grouped into "The First Two Weeks" and "The Last Two Weeks" just to make sure that I got the ingredients I needed while I was out. That said, I live in a big city not in the middle of nowhere...so there was always a little money leftover to run out and grab something if reeeeally reeeeally needed. I tried not to, though, just because it was an experiment to see if it would ACTUALLY work to just go once.
-I was using debit last year, and still spent less...but this year I am only using cash, since it's been working for us for the past several months. It's proven to be effective for our family at keeping us on budget, and I anticipate it will be save us even more in the groceries department this year, too.
-Last year, I went to Costco and Superstore with occasional visits to our local Health Food store for things that I just couldn't find at either Costco or Superstore. I don't think I'd make that number of stores any higher. It worked for our family's needs.
-I froze bread, or just made it with my super-fast-super-easy recipe. Someday, I want to learn to make slow, beautiful breads...but not now.
Okay, I think that's all I can dump out of my head at the moment.
This made me totally excited to start up again; I'd love to hear any tips you've got. I need 'em!
Last year (about this exact time, actually) I was stymied by all of these Pinterest pins and blog posts about grocery shopping once a month. I just couldn't even fathom going that long without re-stocking fresh produce, and other such perishable items! At that point, I was grocery shopping once every week or two, nothing crazy. I also kind of liked grocery shopping...I like food, and I enjoy cooking...so it was kind of exciting to be surrounded with all of the possibilities! Ha.
But I also like saving money. Not in a save-money-no-matter-what! kind of way...but definitely in a student-family-needs-to-keep-it-frugal kind of way.
I was curious, so I started by evaluating how much I had spent on groceries/household-necessities for the past three months. I thought I was super-thrifty...so the amount I actually spent kind of shocked me. It was the motivation I needed to look into the whole idea more seriously.
So I did it for a few months last winter...AND I LOVED IT. I plan to do it again this year...and just read a post that got me all pumped up about it again. Since I've got it back on the brain, I figured I'd share what I learned the last time around...y'know freshen up and air out my memory, or something like that.
Number One Concern for me was fresh produce. I love me my fruits and veggies! And it's important to me to feed them to my family. I didn't get how it worked to just buy them once a month... But THIS POST totally changed my brain when it came to how I thought about it. After reading it, having fresh produce the whole month sounded actually do-able for the first time.
My own best tips for produce:
-Initially, I listed all the fruits and vegetables I could possibly think of that my family actually used. I then went through each fruit or veggie and put a number "1" beside them if it would only last a week or less..."2" if it would last up to 2 weeks..."3" if it would last up to three weeks...and "4" beside the ones that could last all month. This gave me a good, giant reference list. And helped me know which meals needed to be planned for which weeks (ie. Taco Salad in the first week, when the lettuce, tomatoes, and avocados are around). It actually surprised me how many I had that could last the whole month: carrots, beets and other root veggies, apples, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, onions, garlic, squash, even things like cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli in the right conditions (coincidence that most of those that keep for longer are "winter veggies?" I think not. Side benefit of shopping once a month through the winter? Eating more seasonally! Awesome.)
-Leafy greens: I would buy a TON of leafy greens (especially spinach & kale). For the first week or two it's lots of fresh salads. Weeks three and four we get our daily greens by making frozen smoothie bags. Frozen greens also make a great addition to stir-fry's, soups, spinach lasagnas...PLUS! we would even juice greens and freeze the juice in ice cube trays to add to smoothies...or to thaw and sip slowly in a glass.
-Juicing: the first couple weeks were fresh-pressed green juices, the last couple more of the beets, apples, and carrot juices...with maybe a green juice ice cube tossed in (see above).
-I would buy bananas like crazy, too, because they got eaten fresh, frozen in smoothie bags, or frozen and made into banana bread or banana "ice cream."
-The freezer is your best friend. I realized that I totally under-appreciated frozen veggies and fruits before shopping once a month. Example? Avocados can be frozen (scooped out of the skin) and then thawed for guacamole. Awesome.
-Look up internet tips and tricks for keeping produce fresh longer. The "wrap celery in tin foil" one actually works alright!
And dairy.
-My mom has always frozen milk growing up, so it was easy to imagine buying enough for the month and just thawing a jug when needed. The catch with this one is enough freezer space. If we did run out, it was the perfect opportunity to try dairy substitutes like coconut milk and homemade nut milks. We use these more often than dairy milk this year anyways, so I don't anticipate any problems this year.
-Cheese can be shredded and frozen, but it also keeps pretty well on its own for the month, too. You can apparently freeze cheese in slices as well, but I've never tried it...I can see it being useful for making sandwiches at the end of the month, though. I would shred a block and freeze it in smaller quantities since we usually use cheese for things like quesadillas, soup toppings, and tacos anyways.
-Blocks of butter freeze and thaw beautifully.
-Eggs last a month. Just take them out of their carton and place them all into a little basket or container in your fridge, gently piling them on top of each other. Takes up less space.
-Our plain, full-fat yogurt lasted the month just fine.
And meats.
-We don't really eat a lot of meat, but what we do eat, we would buy in bulk and freeze in smaller portions so we only had to thaw a meal-sized amount at one time.
-Right after grocery shopping, I would cook and shred half of my chicken breasts (or thighs, whatever). and stick the cooked, shredded meat into the freezer in its own bag. That way it was convenient for soups, toss into quesadillas, white chili's, etc. Just made a real meal so much more accessible on the days where I didn't want to cook...
Pros to shopping once-a-month:
-A healthier view of grocery shopping. Grocery shopping was kind of my 'retail therapy' before, and it was fun and exciting to me to imagine what I could make with so many choices, and something to get-out-of-the-house and do...which it still is, in a way...but now I feel like it's not the "hobby" it once was. After once-a-month for a few months, it became something with less emotional implications and just something that needed to get done. Which also translated into spending less.
-It challenged me, creatively, in the kitchen. When things would start to run out near the end of the month, I was determined to try and make it until the end of the month anyways...so it would push me to use what I had on hand and not just run out to the store and grab some more of what I thought I needed. I actually used the vegetables that I had frozen earlier and was finally pushed to home-make things that I hadn't really needed to before (like finally cooking dried beans...ha!). I surprised myself with meals I never would have tried otherwise... that were actually delicious and nutritious despite thinking I had "nothing in the house."
-It saved money. I think this is for two reasons: like I said in the first reason, it helped me not grocery shop as a "hobby" anymore, which reduced the emotional spending. The second reason is simply that when you are not at the store as often, there's not as much opportunity to spend on things you don't need.
-More time to spend on other fun stuff! My kids are good grocery shoppers, so it was always a fun little outing for us, but after hauling them and groceries around to a few stores, the rest of the day was pretty much shot for being productive as we came home spent. Grocery shopping once means more days that can be used for play dates, drop-in activities at the local YMCA, walks, and other fun things.
The downsides of once-a-month shopping:
-HAVING ENOUGH SPACE to put everything, whether it be freezer space, fridge space, or counter/shelf space. I would always feel like I was drowning in groceries for the first week or two. And that my fridge and freezers were overflowing. We have an upright deep freeze...and a "produce shelf" in the kitchen has helped tons...but I still anticipate feeling a little overwhelmed every time I'm putting a month of groceries away. Waiting until the very last second to go grocery shopping helped with making room, I found.
-Having your entire monthly grocery amount in one large, lump sum. I realize this isn't really a problem for most, but a student budget combined with an owning-your-own-business budget can get kind of patchy sometimes, so sometimes having ALL of our grocery money for the month at the beginning of the month was not always realistic.
-In my opinion, it's something that only really works through the winter months. Once the Spring produce rolls in, I start grocery shopping (even if it's just produce!) a little more often. I try and eat fairly seasonally, and the spring and summer produce (asparagus! strawberries! peaches!) doesn't keep as well. During this past summer, I tried to just get non-perishables once or twice a month...and then get produce at the farmer's market on a weekly basis.
-Last time I did once a month shopping, I had two kids that both fit in the cart so I could take them on one giant grocery shopping trip...now, though, I have three kiddos and that won't work...so this time around, I'll have to go by myself.
Extra details?
-I meal-planned, but not rigidly...it was more like a list of meals I would make that month, with them grouped into "The First Two Weeks" and "The Last Two Weeks" just to make sure that I got the ingredients I needed while I was out. That said, I live in a big city not in the middle of nowhere...so there was always a little money leftover to run out and grab something if reeeeally reeeeally needed. I tried not to, though, just because it was an experiment to see if it would ACTUALLY work to just go once.
-I was using debit last year, and still spent less...but this year I am only using cash, since it's been working for us for the past several months. It's proven to be effective for our family at keeping us on budget, and I anticipate it will be save us even more in the groceries department this year, too.
-Last year, I went to Costco and Superstore with occasional visits to our local Health Food store for things that I just couldn't find at either Costco or Superstore. I don't think I'd make that number of stores any higher. It worked for our family's needs.
-I froze bread, or just made it with my super-fast-super-easy recipe. Someday, I want to learn to make slow, beautiful breads...but not now.
Okay, I think that's all I can dump out of my head at the moment.
This made me totally excited to start up again; I'd love to hear any tips you've got. I need 'em!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Part 2
By way of explanation: At night, physically and emotionally spent, I usually collapse into a kid-free coma and zone out to a TV show or two before going to bed. But lately, I've been eating differently, and it's left me with some life still leftover in me at the end of the day. I've decided to use it more wisely...and to write, sing, read more often in the evenings. These "Things My Kids Should Know" questions are giving me a thought-provoking place to start, even if they are a little cheesy. Sooo...Enjoy? Haha.
Part 1 here.
3) Describe Three Legitimate Fears you have and how they became fears.
---Jumping into cold water.
I jumped into an ice cold lake once and almost passed out because of the shock. Freaked me riiiiight out. I don't even care if you call me a chicken, I just wade into cold water now.
---Not living up to my potential.
One of the worst things I can think of is standing there at the end of my life and being disappointed with myself.
---Being sexually abused/raped.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, not to mention understandable. Just the idea of someone taking something away from me that is so precious horrifies me. I ache for every victim of sexual abuse.
4) Describe your relationship with your spouse
My relationship with my sweet D-Hubby is...well...like putting two elephants in one potato sack. So far it's been a lot of squeezing and squishing, and being annoyed about the other one getting in our way and laughing about how ridiculous we must look. We are two strong, mostly opposite personalities who both like getting our own way. But we are also vulnerable with each other, and take care of each other. We love to create together, to enjoy the outdoors together, to love on our kids, and tease each other. If we're having a disagreement, it's probably because I'm telling him he's being insensitive and where-the-heck is his heart, and he's telling me I am being totally unreasonable and not everything can be love and sunshine. And then we just look at each other, all mad...and realize that those are just the things that we love about each other: he loves how much I care about people, I love how he can see a situation from a straightforward and logical perspective. He is helping me become something better than what I would be without him. Sometimes we don't understand each other...and we have to work hard at bringing two different minds into unity and harmony; but we are unfailingly committed to each other and our marriage, and THAT is what keeps our love burning brighter and brighter every day...and always keeps things interesting. :)
Part 1 here.
3) Describe Three Legitimate Fears you have and how they became fears.
---Jumping into cold water.
I jumped into an ice cold lake once and almost passed out because of the shock. Freaked me riiiiight out. I don't even care if you call me a chicken, I just wade into cold water now.
---Not living up to my potential.
One of the worst things I can think of is standing there at the end of my life and being disappointed with myself.
---Being sexually abused/raped.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, not to mention understandable. Just the idea of someone taking something away from me that is so precious horrifies me. I ache for every victim of sexual abuse.
4) Describe your relationship with your spouse
My relationship with my sweet D-Hubby is...well...like putting two elephants in one potato sack. So far it's been a lot of squeezing and squishing, and being annoyed about the other one getting in our way and laughing about how ridiculous we must look. We are two strong, mostly opposite personalities who both like getting our own way. But we are also vulnerable with each other, and take care of each other. We love to create together, to enjoy the outdoors together, to love on our kids, and tease each other. If we're having a disagreement, it's probably because I'm telling him he's being insensitive and where-the-heck is his heart, and he's telling me I am being totally unreasonable and not everything can be love and sunshine. And then we just look at each other, all mad...and realize that those are just the things that we love about each other: he loves how much I care about people, I love how he can see a situation from a straightforward and logical perspective. He is helping me become something better than what I would be without him. Sometimes we don't understand each other...and we have to work hard at bringing two different minds into unity and harmony; but we are unfailingly committed to each other and our marriage, and THAT is what keeps our love burning brighter and brighter every day...and always keeps things interesting. :)
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Telling Myself the Truth
We were home from church, sick, on Sunday. All of us. You don't even want to know how many tissues our family has been through in the last week.
On that boogery note, it meant I had a little time to write...in between wiping noses and administering Tylenol.
So here I am. With a full head. (In more ways than one...EWww, that got gross really fast.)
I've been thinking lately about the importance of being honest with ourselves. Well, mostly reflecting on how important honesty-with-myself has been in my life so far, and where it will take me in the future. I have come to the conclusion that we cannot be truly honest with one another until we are telling ourselves the truth.
You're saying "duh," I know...but I'm monologuing about it anyways.
There was this one pivotal moment when I realized this, like really, for the first time. It was when I broke up (the final time) with "That Boyfriend." Y'know, the first one that first stole your heart, for real? The one who you'll always remember? That one.
When I broke up with him that final, heart-breaking time, my up-front reasons for doing so were legitimate and true...but pretty thin in that they didn't tell the whole story...because I didn't really know why myself! My reason? I just don't feel right about this... and if you asked me how I felt when we broke up...I would tell you that I was devastated! And I didn't know why I should break up with him, only that I should. Just a bewildered shrug, or shaking my fist at the universe, depending on the day. I threw my hand over my forehead and concluded that we just weren't meant to be and I don't know why!
And I could have left it there. I could have left that big question mark in my life and just talked about it, mystified, from that point on. And I did for a little while, because I wasn't ready to believe it was my fault, or my choice. I wasn't ready to be honest with myself, because it was easier to believe that it was some outside force that for-some-unknown-reason just made being together impossible.
I can remember that powerful, liberating moment when I was standing in a friend's little kitchen apartment and talking about someone else's heart-breaking split from a boyfriend...when I finally told myself the truth:
It didn't work because I didn't love him enough.
I didn't want me-and-him enough to make it work, at that point in my life. I wasn't ready to love him the way I needed to love him in order for it to last. And so it didn't. It ended. I ended it.
With finally admitting that to myself, I expected a pity-party to follow, more tears about how I (me! and me alone!) let a great guy like that just GO! I'm such an idiot, I thought I should be saying to myself.
But the pity didn't come. I just felt...unburdened. I felt like I could finally breathe, and that I wasn't hiding from my excuses anymore, wasn't working so hard to make myself believe the lies that made me look better to everyone else...I was facing myself for the first time and saying, "There, now. That was tough; the truth kind of stings...but not so bad, either, hey? Now...NOW we can finally, truly, heal."
And heal I did. It gave me a real, honest place to just accept where I was at...and a place to start some real growth. It gave me a place to start asking myself questions. Why wasn't I ready? What would have to be different in order for me to have felt ready? What does that teach me about myself?
We didn't break-up because he was a jerk or because I was crazy or because we were simply star-crossed lovers...but because of a decision I made, with the Lord's counsel, that turned out to be the very best thing for both of us. And that was okay.
Sure there were issues with our relationship, and it always takes two-to-tango, but in reality? If I had wanted it to work badly enough, I would have spoken up, communicated, done everything to fix it. Instead, I stayed quiet and those issues became my excuses to bow out...when the reality was simply that he, this, was not what I wanted right now. He wasn't perfect, but that's kind of irrelevant. Because neither was I (I'm perfect now, though...? Neither am I, I mean. Ha.) and I am only responsible for me and my decisions.
Anyways. This goes way beyond this one turning point in my life. It affects EVERYTHING, really.
Right now, in my current life, telling myself the truth sounds a little like these things:
"I am having a hard time feeling friendly towards them right now because I am feeling a little insecure with myself, and I'm a little intimidated. I need to work on that. This person is someone to be loved; I need to forget myself and find out why they are so awesome."
"My kids are not asking for too much. I am only annoyed because I am trying to focus on how to finish that really witty status so I can look hilarious. Stop it. Put it down for now, I can finish it later. My kids trump my ego for importance right now. In fact, they usually do."
"Am I dressing like this to feel my best? Or am I getting dressed to get attention? Now, let's be honest. Both are fine for now, but if I am trying to get attention...try to understand why, okay? Really think about why I feel like I need that kind of attention right now, and work on that. I can be beautiful, artistic, vibrant, and attractive regardless of what I am wearing."
"I am only bugged by that person's success because I am feeling a little jealous. They have experienced something really incredible and exciting. It does not subtract from the joys in my life! So enjoy this joyful moment with them, genuinely, and add your cheers to theirs!"
"I know the reason I am not joining in this conversation is because I'm not ready to be vulnerable, out loud, about my own struggles with this issue yet. That's okay. Soon, someday, I'll be able to talk about it. But until then, I can be a soft place to land for these friends of mine; I refuse to scowl because I think they should be holding in their heartache, too. I may not be ready, but they are putting their hearts out there and that is really brave. This is not oversharing. This loving each other. And it's okay to be scared about that, too. I'm on it, one step at a time."
"His behaviour is only annoying me because it's not what I want him to do. But since when was my way the best way? I need to remember that he is different than me, and that is beautiful. Difficult and beautiful. I am not in charge, I am not the boss-of-him. I am only the boss of me."
"I shouldn't really type that sentence like that, it makes me sound arrogant and bossy. But then again...sometimes I am arrogant and bossy. I just struggle with that sometimes. And that's okay for now. But let's work on that. Why do I feel the need to sound arrogant about that? Probably because I'm a little insecure with that idea and am overcompensating. Yeah...probably."
And I find, every time I am really, truly honest with myself...it is always the first step up. It is always the gate that opens to healing and growth. I stunt myself when I am being too ______________(prideful? scared? angry? apathetic? Insert damning state of being here) to be honest with me and admit the way I am really feeling and why.
I hope I get better at it. It gives me more compassion and patience for others. It reminds me that we hardly ever know what's really going on under the surface, under other people's surfaces. And it brings me closer to my God, because He's there, in my head and heart, helping me see myself more clearly so that I can get out of my own way on the road back to Him.
The end. I am now hungry. And that is also the truth.
On that boogery note, it meant I had a little time to write...in between wiping noses and administering Tylenol.
So here I am. With a full head. (In more ways than one...EWww, that got gross really fast.)
I've been thinking lately about the importance of being honest with ourselves. Well, mostly reflecting on how important honesty-with-myself has been in my life so far, and where it will take me in the future. I have come to the conclusion that we cannot be truly honest with one another until we are telling ourselves the truth.
You're saying "duh," I know...but I'm monologuing about it anyways.
There was this one pivotal moment when I realized this, like really, for the first time. It was when I broke up (the final time) with "That Boyfriend." Y'know, the first one that first stole your heart, for real? The one who you'll always remember? That one.
When I broke up with him that final, heart-breaking time, my up-front reasons for doing so were legitimate and true...but pretty thin in that they didn't tell the whole story...because I didn't really know why myself! My reason? I just don't feel right about this... and if you asked me how I felt when we broke up...I would tell you that I was devastated! And I didn't know why I should break up with him, only that I should. Just a bewildered shrug, or shaking my fist at the universe, depending on the day. I threw my hand over my forehead and concluded that we just weren't meant to be and I don't know why!
And I could have left it there. I could have left that big question mark in my life and just talked about it, mystified, from that point on. And I did for a little while, because I wasn't ready to believe it was my fault, or my choice. I wasn't ready to be honest with myself, because it was easier to believe that it was some outside force that for-some-unknown-reason just made being together impossible.
I can remember that powerful, liberating moment when I was standing in a friend's little kitchen apartment and talking about someone else's heart-breaking split from a boyfriend...when I finally told myself the truth:
It didn't work because I didn't love him enough.
I didn't want me-and-him enough to make it work, at that point in my life. I wasn't ready to love him the way I needed to love him in order for it to last. And so it didn't. It ended. I ended it.
With finally admitting that to myself, I expected a pity-party to follow, more tears about how I (me! and me alone!) let a great guy like that just GO! I'm such an idiot, I thought I should be saying to myself.
But the pity didn't come. I just felt...unburdened. I felt like I could finally breathe, and that I wasn't hiding from my excuses anymore, wasn't working so hard to make myself believe the lies that made me look better to everyone else...I was facing myself for the first time and saying, "There, now. That was tough; the truth kind of stings...but not so bad, either, hey? Now...NOW we can finally, truly, heal."
And heal I did. It gave me a real, honest place to just accept where I was at...and a place to start some real growth. It gave me a place to start asking myself questions. Why wasn't I ready? What would have to be different in order for me to have felt ready? What does that teach me about myself?
We didn't break-up because he was a jerk or because I was crazy or because we were simply star-crossed lovers...but because of a decision I made, with the Lord's counsel, that turned out to be the very best thing for both of us. And that was okay.
Sure there were issues with our relationship, and it always takes two-to-tango, but in reality? If I had wanted it to work badly enough, I would have spoken up, communicated, done everything to fix it. Instead, I stayed quiet and those issues became my excuses to bow out...when the reality was simply that he, this, was not what I wanted right now. He wasn't perfect, but that's kind of irrelevant. Because neither was I (I'm perfect now, though...? Neither am I, I mean. Ha.) and I am only responsible for me and my decisions.
Anyways. This goes way beyond this one turning point in my life. It affects EVERYTHING, really.
Right now, in my current life, telling myself the truth sounds a little like these things:
"I am having a hard time feeling friendly towards them right now because I am feeling a little insecure with myself, and I'm a little intimidated. I need to work on that. This person is someone to be loved; I need to forget myself and find out why they are so awesome."
"My kids are not asking for too much. I am only annoyed because I am trying to focus on how to finish that really witty status so I can look hilarious. Stop it. Put it down for now, I can finish it later. My kids trump my ego for importance right now. In fact, they usually do."
"Am I dressing like this to feel my best? Or am I getting dressed to get attention? Now, let's be honest. Both are fine for now, but if I am trying to get attention...try to understand why, okay? Really think about why I feel like I need that kind of attention right now, and work on that. I can be beautiful, artistic, vibrant, and attractive regardless of what I am wearing."
"I am only bugged by that person's success because I am feeling a little jealous. They have experienced something really incredible and exciting. It does not subtract from the joys in my life! So enjoy this joyful moment with them, genuinely, and add your cheers to theirs!"
"I know the reason I am not joining in this conversation is because I'm not ready to be vulnerable, out loud, about my own struggles with this issue yet. That's okay. Soon, someday, I'll be able to talk about it. But until then, I can be a soft place to land for these friends of mine; I refuse to scowl because I think they should be holding in their heartache, too. I may not be ready, but they are putting their hearts out there and that is really brave. This is not oversharing. This loving each other. And it's okay to be scared about that, too. I'm on it, one step at a time."
"His behaviour is only annoying me because it's not what I want him to do. But since when was my way the best way? I need to remember that he is different than me, and that is beautiful. Difficult and beautiful. I am not in charge, I am not the boss-of-him. I am only the boss of me."
"I shouldn't really type that sentence like that, it makes me sound arrogant and bossy. But then again...sometimes I am arrogant and bossy. I just struggle with that sometimes. And that's okay for now. But let's work on that. Why do I feel the need to sound arrogant about that? Probably because I'm a little insecure with that idea and am overcompensating. Yeah...probably."
And I find, every time I am really, truly honest with myself...it is always the first step up. It is always the gate that opens to healing and growth. I stunt myself when I am being too ______________(prideful? scared? angry? apathetic? Insert damning state of being here) to be honest with me and admit the way I am really feeling and why.
I hope I get better at it. It gives me more compassion and patience for others. It reminds me that we hardly ever know what's really going on under the surface, under other people's surfaces. And it brings me closer to my God, because He's there, in my head and heart, helping me see myself more clearly so that I can get out of my own way on the road back to Him.
The end. I am now hungry. And that is also the truth.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Part 1
I came across a pin on Pinterest that linked to a blogger's post with 30 questions to answer for your kids to read about you someday.
I love that idea.
I decided to do it here, because...well...I'm just an exhibitionist like that sometimes. And plus it keeps things fun when I get to share it with friends as well. I'll probably do this all again in the future (for just my kids) because answers change...but for now, and for the next few posts, I'll answer the questions as my 29-year-old self.
The first question is.....
[1/30] List 20 Random Facts about yourself.
Aaaaand here we go...
1) Some people bite their fingernails, some people roll napkins; my fidgety habit is playing with stickers and price tags and tape.
2) Despite what a few pregnancies have left me with, I did at one time have very curly hair
3) I would take rich, decadent (chocolatey!) desserts over light, fruity desserts any day.
4) I am a thinker and a dreamer. "Doing" is not a natural strength. I love time to myself to just let my mind wander. It's also what makes me forgetful and absent minded of the nitty-gritty details of my life, like appointments and to-do's.
5) I got a fishbone stuck in my throat once. The doctor had to pull it out with these tong-like things.
6) I have never broken a bone. Well...that I've needed a cast for. I suspect I had a broken toe at one point, but I'm not for-sure on that one.
7) I love to write poetry; there's something fascinatingly challenging about taking all of what I'm thinking and trying to frame it with as few, and powerful of, words as possible.
8) The one movie that will always make me cry is Little Women. I identify with Jo so strongly that I bawl every. time. BUT I don't like that she ends up with the professor; I always wanted her to end up with Laurie instead.
9) I am transparent and easy to read; but the best friends in my life have given me a little space to believe I am mysterious.
10) I hate brushing my teeth. It's a sensory thing. But the WORST is being in the room when other people are brushing their teeth; it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. (Shiver).
11) I like my feet. I think feet are ugly in general...but I don't think mine are the ugliest out there.
12) I love a man with great looking hands.
13) I am SUPER allergic to dogs and cats and anything with dander. Like, mildly anaphylactic, given the right mixture of circumstances. Hypo-allergenic doesn't even cut it. I can be around them longer, but still get symptoms.
14) The one above was almost a deal-breaker for my hubby when we were dating. And you think that I'm joking...
15) I have this secret love of keeping grammar rules. I feel like good grammar is becoming obsolete alarmingly quickly...so when I make the effort to use a semicolon correctly, I feel that I have done my part in defending the Honour of Grammar. Weird, I know. I also feel like it gives me the right to use bad grammar whenever I want because I actually know how to say it properly. Grammar snob? Perhaps.
16) I value a good listener like they are made of stars and rainbows. They are SO hard to find. I also strive, constantly, to BE a good listener.
17) I love exercising. A good workout is a treat for me. I love the way it challenges my mind as much as it does my body.
18) That said, I still can't figure out how to love yoga. I really love the idea. I just can't get my body to cooperate.
19) When I turned 25, I felt great about what I had accomplished up to that point in my life: I had completed a bachelor's degree, completed a certificate program, served as a missionary for a year and half, gotten married and had a baby. I have less than a year until I am 30 and I want to feel just as good about what I have accomplished since. My list will be SO different this time, but I hope I feel just as proud of what I've achieved.
20) I still secretly believe that I was supposed to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
I love that idea.
I decided to do it here, because...well...I'm just an exhibitionist like that sometimes. And plus it keeps things fun when I get to share it with friends as well. I'll probably do this all again in the future (for just my kids) because answers change...but for now, and for the next few posts, I'll answer the questions as my 29-year-old self.
The first question is.....
[1/30] List 20 Random Facts about yourself.
Aaaaand here we go...
1) Some people bite their fingernails, some people roll napkins; my fidgety habit is playing with stickers and price tags and tape.
2) Despite what a few pregnancies have left me with, I did at one time have very curly hair
3) I would take rich, decadent (chocolatey!) desserts over light, fruity desserts any day.
4) I am a thinker and a dreamer. "Doing" is not a natural strength. I love time to myself to just let my mind wander. It's also what makes me forgetful and absent minded of the nitty-gritty details of my life, like appointments and to-do's.
5) I got a fishbone stuck in my throat once. The doctor had to pull it out with these tong-like things.
6) I have never broken a bone. Well...that I've needed a cast for. I suspect I had a broken toe at one point, but I'm not for-sure on that one.
7) I love to write poetry; there's something fascinatingly challenging about taking all of what I'm thinking and trying to frame it with as few, and powerful of, words as possible.
8) The one movie that will always make me cry is Little Women. I identify with Jo so strongly that I bawl every. time. BUT I don't like that she ends up with the professor; I always wanted her to end up with Laurie instead.
9) I am transparent and easy to read; but the best friends in my life have given me a little space to believe I am mysterious.
10) I hate brushing my teeth. It's a sensory thing. But the WORST is being in the room when other people are brushing their teeth; it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. (Shiver).
11) I like my feet. I think feet are ugly in general...but I don't think mine are the ugliest out there.
12) I love a man with great looking hands.
13) I am SUPER allergic to dogs and cats and anything with dander. Like, mildly anaphylactic, given the right mixture of circumstances. Hypo-allergenic doesn't even cut it. I can be around them longer, but still get symptoms.
14) The one above was almost a deal-breaker for my hubby when we were dating. And you think that I'm joking...
15) I have this secret love of keeping grammar rules. I feel like good grammar is becoming obsolete alarmingly quickly...so when I make the effort to use a semicolon correctly, I feel that I have done my part in defending the Honour of Grammar. Weird, I know. I also feel like it gives me the right to use bad grammar whenever I want because I actually know how to say it properly. Grammar snob? Perhaps.
16) I value a good listener like they are made of stars and rainbows. They are SO hard to find. I also strive, constantly, to BE a good listener.
17) I love exercising. A good workout is a treat for me. I love the way it challenges my mind as much as it does my body.
18) That said, I still can't figure out how to love yoga. I really love the idea. I just can't get my body to cooperate.
19) When I turned 25, I felt great about what I had accomplished up to that point in my life: I had completed a bachelor's degree, completed a certificate program, served as a missionary for a year and half, gotten married and had a baby. I have less than a year until I am 30 and I want to feel just as good about what I have accomplished since. My list will be SO different this time, but I hope I feel just as proud of what I've achieved.
20) I still secretly believe that I was supposed to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
A Moment in Time.
I'm laying here listening to the rain fall outside and feeling sorry for myself, a little.
I'm scrolling through my Instagram feed that was just recently flooded with photos from two friends that attended the same, awesome outdoor music festival this last weekend. They attended with their awesome husbands and listened to awesome bands and performers and only had to rush home, all partied out and thrilled, to get back to work and school and their beds to catch up on lost sleep.
Not kids.
And you know, it's not very often that I feel this way...a little whiny for a taste of kidless freedom...but occasionally, very occasionally, I'll get this zing of jealousy for those whole have the time to do their hair and their makeup every morning. Who have the freedom to go to the store by themselves whenever they want, and hunt down the cutest vintage dresses and furniture. Who have the uninterrupted moments of careful attention to studying style and design, to planning outfits and hairstyles....who have the energy to care about it all the time. I'll envy those who have the quiet and the minutes to discover new songwriters and really listen to the songs, enjoy them without feeling they are adding to the never-ending noise. Who have the flexibility and the disposable income to travel, to quit their day jobs and write blogs, run cute businesses from home, discover new secret restaurants, and photograph people whenever they are asked and whenever they want. Who can pour themselves into hobbies and interests wholeheartedly and with their full attention.
But don't worry...before you feel sorry for me, or want to scold me, I promise you that I know I've got a world of better things going on. One of the hardest things about being a mom is learning how to focus your time, attention, and energy...and your heart...on the things that are the most important at the time. Sometimes the best thing you can be doing IS taking time for yourself...but usually, it's not. And sometimes it does look like a little taste of the fun, carefree things that you get to do more of when you don't have little people tugging at your shirt...or at very least, tugging at the back of your mind. but usually the important things are just things like stepping away from the screen, or fixing a hurt with a kiss, or leaving the house with your hair very un-cute because you made breakfast for your family instead.
And I know in these moments of envy that I'm glamorizing a life without littles, really I do; but that's not the point of my whining this evening, sorry, folks. Tomorrow, or maybe even in 30 seconds...I'll be remembering why being a mom is so profoundly awesome, and the jealousy will fall away.
But sometimes, you just want to be at the concerts. Because sometimes being a mom is just hard.
That is all. The end.
I'm scrolling through my Instagram feed that was just recently flooded with photos from two friends that attended the same, awesome outdoor music festival this last weekend. They attended with their awesome husbands and listened to awesome bands and performers and only had to rush home, all partied out and thrilled, to get back to work and school and their beds to catch up on lost sleep.
Not kids.
And you know, it's not very often that I feel this way...a little whiny for a taste of kidless freedom...but occasionally, very occasionally, I'll get this zing of jealousy for those whole have the time to do their hair and their makeup every morning. Who have the freedom to go to the store by themselves whenever they want, and hunt down the cutest vintage dresses and furniture. Who have the uninterrupted moments of careful attention to studying style and design, to planning outfits and hairstyles....who have the energy to care about it all the time. I'll envy those who have the quiet and the minutes to discover new songwriters and really listen to the songs, enjoy them without feeling they are adding to the never-ending noise. Who have the flexibility and the disposable income to travel, to quit their day jobs and write blogs, run cute businesses from home, discover new secret restaurants, and photograph people whenever they are asked and whenever they want. Who can pour themselves into hobbies and interests wholeheartedly and with their full attention.
But don't worry...before you feel sorry for me, or want to scold me, I promise you that I know I've got a world of better things going on. One of the hardest things about being a mom is learning how to focus your time, attention, and energy...and your heart...on the things that are the most important at the time. Sometimes the best thing you can be doing IS taking time for yourself...but usually, it's not. And sometimes it does look like a little taste of the fun, carefree things that you get to do more of when you don't have little people tugging at your shirt...or at very least, tugging at the back of your mind. but usually the important things are just things like stepping away from the screen, or fixing a hurt with a kiss, or leaving the house with your hair very un-cute because you made breakfast for your family instead.
And I know in these moments of envy that I'm glamorizing a life without littles, really I do; but that's not the point of my whining this evening, sorry, folks. Tomorrow, or maybe even in 30 seconds...I'll be remembering why being a mom is so profoundly awesome, and the jealousy will fall away.
But sometimes, you just want to be at the concerts. Because sometimes being a mom is just hard.
That is all. The end.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Day with The Message
Do you ever have those days where you feel like everything is trying to tell you something? The same thing?
I had a day like that the other day. Someone (with a capital "S") was trying to teach me something, rapid-fire style, all day long.
First of all, I saw this video. It's life-changing, all on its own. But as if that wasn't enough to get said message across...
Then I read this post. And it resonated with me, as a mother, even though it's aimed at daddies.
Then my sister, who battled cancer last year, had to go to the hospital. It could be cancer again, or an infection of some kind that's not responding to antibiotics.
And then I kept running into quote after quote after blog post about how people just need to be loved and life needs to be lived with bravery and kindness.
And it all seemed to be telling me one thing, the SAME thing. But I can't even tell you exactly what it was! What I do know is that it changed me. Just a little. But just enough, too.
It changed the way I thought about, and reacted to, every situation that day. I saw everything with the same eyes I've always had...but I processed the information totally differently. It made me remember important things that the chaos of "the everyday" seems to camouflage with an expert hand. It made me slow down, breathe, and take a hard look around this life of mine. And all with only a few well-placed punches to the gut of my self-absorption.
Maybe it was a message that could be summed up in the phrase "Carpe Diem." But then it would feel stale, to me. The things I was feeling, that were changing me, were living and breathing and speaking to me. Specifically to me. It was about my life, my babies, my marriage, my faith, my heart, my mind.
The Message of That Day may not be able to be summed up in words, but I can tell you a few things it's made me really want:
To be more than I am letting myself become...and not in the way of ambition or recognition...in the quiet battles of my heart; in the gritty moments when I have to choose to be deeper, calmer, bigger, higher, stronger, softer...than The Whiny or The Proud inside me that wants the easy way out.
To stop and look into my children's eyes as often as I can. Because there are very few things I am doing or looking at that are more important than letting my kids know that they are loved and important to me. To take a breath and stop and explain. To just love my husband. Just love him. Because he's trying, and that's all I can ask. And loving him is all the Lord asks of me. To be gentle with him, because hearts are fragile...even if they look tough and have sharp edges.
To enjoy the people in my life that I love, love, love. To reach out to them and ignore all my excuses I may have about seeming invasive, cheesy, too busy, blah blah blah. And to make everyone someone that I love.
To really, really counsel with my God. To discuss things with him more meaningfully, and to listen to His direction and be brave enough, faithful enough, to follow...and allow myself to really feel His love. Because there is no one that loves my imperfect, wandering, distracted self as much as He does. Because He cared about me enough to wake me up a little...to send me a day like this because He wants me to have a rich, full life that I enjoy...and loves me enough to show me how. That He gives me a day like today to remind me that He has confidence in me and my ability to be a little more than I was yesterday...and that I can be a little more tomorrow. And that I can mess up, forget...and He will still be there to remind me, You can do this. Just keep trying. I'll be here to help you remember.
And so, I sit here grateful.
For Zach Sobiech for reminding us all that you don't have to be dying to really live your life. And for Single Dad, Laughing reminding me how precious my children are and how careful I need to be with them. And for all the other reminders---and scary moments---that have helped me to remember, a little better, what this life...what my life...is for.
This post is dedicated to my sweet sister, Jocelyn, because she likes to remind me of these things all the time...both with her amazing example of love and compassion and a life well-lived...and because she likes to scare me into remembering every now and again ;) Haha.
I love you, Jake!
I had a day like that the other day. Someone (with a capital "S") was trying to teach me something, rapid-fire style, all day long.
First of all, I saw this video. It's life-changing, all on its own. But as if that wasn't enough to get said message across...
Then I read this post. And it resonated with me, as a mother, even though it's aimed at daddies.
Then my sister, who battled cancer last year, had to go to the hospital. It could be cancer again, or an infection of some kind that's not responding to antibiotics.
And then I kept running into quote after quote after blog post about how people just need to be loved and life needs to be lived with bravery and kindness.
And it all seemed to be telling me one thing, the SAME thing. But I can't even tell you exactly what it was! What I do know is that it changed me. Just a little. But just enough, too.
It changed the way I thought about, and reacted to, every situation that day. I saw everything with the same eyes I've always had...but I processed the information totally differently. It made me remember important things that the chaos of "the everyday" seems to camouflage with an expert hand. It made me slow down, breathe, and take a hard look around this life of mine. And all with only a few well-placed punches to the gut of my self-absorption.
Maybe it was a message that could be summed up in the phrase "Carpe Diem." But then it would feel stale, to me. The things I was feeling, that were changing me, were living and breathing and speaking to me. Specifically to me. It was about my life, my babies, my marriage, my faith, my heart, my mind.
The Message of That Day may not be able to be summed up in words, but I can tell you a few things it's made me really want:
To be more than I am letting myself become...and not in the way of ambition or recognition...in the quiet battles of my heart; in the gritty moments when I have to choose to be deeper, calmer, bigger, higher, stronger, softer...than The Whiny or The Proud inside me that wants the easy way out.
To stop and look into my children's eyes as often as I can. Because there are very few things I am doing or looking at that are more important than letting my kids know that they are loved and important to me. To take a breath and stop and explain. To just love my husband. Just love him. Because he's trying, and that's all I can ask. And loving him is all the Lord asks of me. To be gentle with him, because hearts are fragile...even if they look tough and have sharp edges.
To enjoy the people in my life that I love, love, love. To reach out to them and ignore all my excuses I may have about seeming invasive, cheesy, too busy, blah blah blah. And to make everyone someone that I love.
To really, really counsel with my God. To discuss things with him more meaningfully, and to listen to His direction and be brave enough, faithful enough, to follow...and allow myself to really feel His love. Because there is no one that loves my imperfect, wandering, distracted self as much as He does. Because He cared about me enough to wake me up a little...to send me a day like this because He wants me to have a rich, full life that I enjoy...and loves me enough to show me how. That He gives me a day like today to remind me that He has confidence in me and my ability to be a little more than I was yesterday...and that I can be a little more tomorrow. And that I can mess up, forget...and He will still be there to remind me, You can do this. Just keep trying. I'll be here to help you remember.
And so, I sit here grateful.
For Zach Sobiech for reminding us all that you don't have to be dying to really live your life. And for Single Dad, Laughing reminding me how precious my children are and how careful I need to be with them. And for all the other reminders---and scary moments---that have helped me to remember, a little better, what this life...what my life...is for.
This post is dedicated to my sweet sister, Jocelyn, because she likes to remind me of these things all the time...both with her amazing example of love and compassion and a life well-lived...and because she likes to scare me into remembering every now and again ;) Haha.
I love you, Jake!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
D-Hubby
May I get a little mushy for a few minutes?
I sure like my D-Hubby.
Sometimes, he drives me crazy (but that's a good thing...remember? haha.) and I am very good at letting him know when he is and exactly why. I don't hide stuff like that from him, because I'm such a good wife (har)...And he's glad that I'm so dramatic about it...(BAhaha...I'm killing myself here!)
But most of the time, I just think he's the best.
I don't think I let him know why I love him as well as I let him know why he's making me bonkers...so here are a few things that have rolled through my thoughts lately as to why he's just perfect for me.
1) I love that he's so weird.
I kid you not, this is one of the things that first things that attracted me and kept me interested. He just doesn't think like anyone I know; his brain works totally differently!...and it fascinated me right from the start. I could not, for the life of me, figure him out. Sometimes I still can't. It keeps me curious and humbles me, especially when I try to play shrink and categorize his cute, weird head. He is definitely in a class all his own. And I love that.
2) I love that he is so transparent.
This kind of sounds opposite to number one. But it's not! Promise. Because the way that he's different and thinks differently is directly tied to how unaware he is of social "game-playing." He says it like he thinks it...which gets him into trouble sometimes, most often with me...but it means that he is always genuine. I never have to guess the way he really feels about certain situations (or meals, or outfits...) because he makes it completely apparent. And as much as I would just love him to lie to me sometimes and tell me that I'm gorgeous first thing in the morning, I am secretly kind of okay with the fact that he doesn't. It means that the times when he expresses admiration or appreciation or concern for me...it's as straight-up and real as it gets, and it melts me.
3) I love that he is creative and artistic.
Photography is his number one passion; but he is also just generally creative. I also enjoy lots of creative outlets, some the same like photography and design...but some different like music and writing...and it is one of my very favourite things about "us" as a couple: we are always excited and encouraging about trying new things, creatively. I love that I can consult him about how to design our home's furniture and art layout. I love that he trusts my judgement on which photos to include in a blog post. We are always honest with each other and are always challenging each other to create more and create better.
4) I love that he loves being a dad (and a 'grandson').
One of the first things that has always made the quality of his character apparent to me was the ease with which he interacted with the elderly folk and children. He loved hanging around both demographics, and they just instinctively enjoyed him, too. I think it has a lot to do with #2 up there (but that's just my working shrink-theory). His love of children has translated into him being an enthusiastic father, eager for time spentteasing, playing and snuggling with his babies. He jokes and visits easily with older folks. He's also a Baby-Holder; he's just as likely as I am to reach out and offer to hold someone's sweet little new addition.
5) I love that he's not a huge team-sports fan.
Not that there's anything wrong with it! In fact, sometimes I'm sure it would be nice for him to feel like he's up on the same "news" as some other husbands, having some common ground to share, chat about...or feeling like he would enjoy joining up with a community team league of some sort. But most of the time, when hockey or basketball or baseball or whatever gets all crazy, I am just grateful that he doesn't disappear on me, or care that much. I suppose I do trade it for overnight hikes in the mountains and evenings spent rock-climbing every now and then...but it's just not the same, somehow. It works for us.
The End.
Also, I let him read all of the posts that involve him, directly or indirectly, before I ever publish them. After letting him read this one, I realized that I should also mention how much I love his funny little embarrassed smile he gets when I am teasing him by being extra-romantic. I do so intentionally sometimes, just to make him cringe. He squirms like a school boy getting kissed by his mom, and it makes me belly-laugh every time. He always gets me back, some way or another (wet willy, anyone?), but that funny squirmy face makes every gushy gaze I sent his way worth every second. HAha!
I love that weirdo who is alllll mine.
I sure like my D-Hubby.
Sometimes, he drives me crazy (but that's a good thing...remember? haha.) and I am very good at letting him know when he is and exactly why. I don't hide stuff like that from him, because I'm such a good wife (har)...And he's glad that I'm so dramatic about it...(BAhaha...I'm killing myself here!)
But most of the time, I just think he's the best.
I don't think I let him know why I love him as well as I let him know why he's making me bonkers...so here are a few things that have rolled through my thoughts lately as to why he's just perfect for me.
1) I love that he's so weird.
I kid you not, this is one of the things that first things that attracted me and kept me interested. He just doesn't think like anyone I know; his brain works totally differently!...and it fascinated me right from the start. I could not, for the life of me, figure him out. Sometimes I still can't. It keeps me curious and humbles me, especially when I try to play shrink and categorize his cute, weird head. He is definitely in a class all his own. And I love that.
2) I love that he is so transparent.
This kind of sounds opposite to number one. But it's not! Promise. Because the way that he's different and thinks differently is directly tied to how unaware he is of social "game-playing." He says it like he thinks it...which gets him into trouble sometimes, most often with me...but it means that he is always genuine. I never have to guess the way he really feels about certain situations (or meals, or outfits...) because he makes it completely apparent. And as much as I would just love him to lie to me sometimes and tell me that I'm gorgeous first thing in the morning, I am secretly kind of okay with the fact that he doesn't. It means that the times when he expresses admiration or appreciation or concern for me...it's as straight-up and real as it gets, and it melts me.
3) I love that he is creative and artistic.
Photography is his number one passion; but he is also just generally creative. I also enjoy lots of creative outlets, some the same like photography and design...but some different like music and writing...and it is one of my very favourite things about "us" as a couple: we are always excited and encouraging about trying new things, creatively. I love that I can consult him about how to design our home's furniture and art layout. I love that he trusts my judgement on which photos to include in a blog post. We are always honest with each other and are always challenging each other to create more and create better.
4) I love that he loves being a dad (and a 'grandson').
One of the first things that has always made the quality of his character apparent to me was the ease with which he interacted with the elderly folk and children. He loved hanging around both demographics, and they just instinctively enjoyed him, too. I think it has a lot to do with #2 up there (but that's just my working shrink-theory). His love of children has translated into him being an enthusiastic father, eager for time spent
5) I love that he's not a huge team-sports fan.
Not that there's anything wrong with it! In fact, sometimes I'm sure it would be nice for him to feel like he's up on the same "news" as some other husbands, having some common ground to share, chat about...or feeling like he would enjoy joining up with a community team league of some sort. But most of the time, when hockey or basketball or baseball or whatever gets all crazy, I am just grateful that he doesn't disappear on me, or care that much. I suppose I do trade it for overnight hikes in the mountains and evenings spent rock-climbing every now and then...but it's just not the same, somehow. It works for us.
The End.
Also, I let him read all of the posts that involve him, directly or indirectly, before I ever publish them. After letting him read this one, I realized that I should also mention how much I love his funny little embarrassed smile he gets when I am teasing him by being extra-romantic. I do so intentionally sometimes, just to make him cringe. He squirms like a school boy getting kissed by his mom, and it makes me belly-laugh every time. He always gets me back, some way or another (wet willy, anyone?), but that funny squirmy face makes every gushy gaze I sent his way worth every second. HAha!
I love that weirdo who is alllll mine.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Eleven Pieces of Marriage Advice
A BFF of mine got married a while ago.
Her wedding marked the end of an era!
And it made me think about what I would say to her by way of marriage advice to give her a good head start...the things I would go back and tell my engaged-self now.
I started most of these a few months ago, and just rediscovered the un-published list tonight. I polished it off, and am curious to know what you would add....what advice you would give your engaged self based off what you know now...(don't do it!!! maybe? Haha! Kidding!)
So if you want to add something, pleeeease do.
1) A Temple Marriage does not guarantee that your marriage will last; but how much it means to you does.
It's whether you believe in the power of forever that will determine how much you fight for your marriage...how much you're willing to change, grow, humble yourself and forgive five thousand times or more. If you believe that your marriage is worth preserving, it will be. And that goes for both parties.
2) Lose the line "that's just the way I am."
Because it doesn't work anymore. Marriage is the next step in growing, in PROGRESSing. That involves change. Hard changes, sometimes. When you sign up for marriage, it's like signing up to grow....to have any and all issues, weaknesses, and fears thrown open wide and made completely obvious. But it's also about being vulnerable like that together...and making it a safe place to work those things out.
3) Complain to his mom, not yours.
I heard this line recently and looooved it. It is so true! And when defending your husband is really important to you, this just feels intuitive. His mom knows him and all those little weaknesses already...and loves him anyways. Kind of like you do, in fact! And if he's being a butthead, she'll offer you sympathy and forgive him in the very same instant. Your own mother may find the forgiving-him part a little more difficult, so just don't go there. As far as your own mother is concerned, she has the PERFECT son-in-law. Always. This is nullified if there's abuse involved, obviously. Also, let your MIL somehow know that she will get a little venting once in a while...because you don't want her worrying that you tell just anyone about your frustrations like that...
4) Make each other one little promise before you marry of one thing/habit you will always do to show the other comes first.
Like, he will always find you to give you a hug and kiss when he comes home, before anything else. Or...he'll always open the car door for you, no matter what. Or...she'll make his favourite meal once a month. Or...she'll always say "I love you" before going to bed. These are teensy little things that you will ALWAYS do, even if you're mad, that will remind you what this marriage thing is...and who that spouse of yours is. And in those hard times when you are frustrated with each other...being able to say "well, at least she still makes the effort to always keep orange juice in the fridge for me...I must still matter that much to her" just might make ALL the difference in the world.
5) Marriage may be a little lonely for the first little bit.
This is because loyalties are making their final transfers. The process was initiated before marriage already---learning to keep his secrets, learning to trust him, not blabbing everything to your friends/mom/sisters...just learning to be each other's "number one." The process continues into the first little bit of marriage as, suddenly, you have all these new, weird things that come up...you're introducing sex into the mix, here, people! And the temptation to turn to old confidants with new secrets will be strong. But resist! It is such a critical time for learning to trust and confide in each other...to communicate...that this first little bit is so precious. Talk to him first, tell him how you're feeling first, make him feel safe pouring his heart out to you, and work out your first little fights all in the privacy of just-you-and-him. It will feel a little lonely not to call your mom or BFF and "vent" or talk it out...but hang in there...the loyalty and faith in each other that you develop is worth every bit of self-restraint you can muster. Talk it out to your Father in Heaven. He's a way better listener, anyway.
6) Understand that if you drive each other nuts, it's a good sign.
In this one awesome article (that I cannot find the link for at the moment), the author talks about how marriage is set-up specifically for progression and joy. Therefore, you will naturally be attracted to the people who will test you, push you, and grow you the very most. Sometimes it will be because they inspire you to be better. But more often it may be because they drive you crazy...and that shows you an area of yourself that needs a little work...maybe that you have a hard time being patient with someone who clams up in a disagreement...or that you tend to be unnecessarily critical of physical appearance, a weakness laid open with a spouse that doesn't place as much importance on that. They will be the things that may have first endeared you to them...and then eventually just push your buttons. Recognize this truth...then embrace it...then do your darndest to let marriage do what it's supposed to...create a more incredible you...a more incredible you-and-him. Let these drive-you-crazy moments help you understand what you need to work on to create a love that's a little closer to perfect than the day before.
7) When it comes to being mad, it's all about you.
In that you are the only person who you can change. So whether you need to get a more mature perspective, whether you need to swallow some pride, whether you need to remember to let it go and forgive, or whether you just need to apologize for losing your temper...you can't make them fix it, but you can certainly do everything you can to fix yourself. And believe me, even when you think your anger is justified, there is always room for your own, personal improvement.
8) Remember that you fell in love with a human.
And humans are an incredibly complicated mix of wonderful and weak, brilliant and awful. And that means you, too. You didn't fall in love with the-future-husband-prince-charming-that-you've-been-dreaming-about-since-age-five, you fell in love with a man. And love is a choice. So choose to love your man. He's his own mix of crazy, and he's all yours. Love him like no one else can or will. It will be hard sometimes, but worth it.
9) Your definitions of "perfect" are different.
This one might take some explaining. An illustrative example from my husband and I: He was raised to value order. I was raised to value flexibility. While we both kind of value the other attribute as well, of course, but I would way rather be seen as someone who could handle whatever came their way without getting bent out of shape or stressing out...while he would way rather been seen as someone who always kept things in line and organized. I tend to pity inflexibility more than I would pity someone who was a little disorganized...because that's what I tend to believe is more valuable in someone's character. He would tend to scoff at someone who was a little disorganized rather than someone who got stressed out about disorder easily, because that's more along the lines of what he values in someone's character. My point is that neither of us is right about that, or wrong. The key is to be aware of that discrepancy...and to always be learning to appreciate strengths of all kinds, and have compassion for weaknesses of all kinds...especially each other's. ESPECIALLY. Because this is marriage advice, after all...
10) Keep the topics of sex, finances, and the division of work contention-free.
These three topics are the most common reasons marriages have problems. Want to know why? Because these are the tender areas where emotional (and other deeper) issues show up. If there's one or more of these things that are "sore spots" at any point in your marriage, first know that you are normal. And then realize that it means there's something underlying those issues that needs some work and healing. And then do everything you can to figure it out. Never feel ashamed if you need some professional help to fix it. And always be "airing out the laundry" on these issues on a frequent basis...well. on everything, really. Don't let anything fester. Some things need time, some things need disinfecting...know yourself well enough to know what you need to speak-up about.
And fiiiiinally...
11) You've got forever. This is actually the same as number one. But worth repeating. HAaa.
You will cry and be mad and you will have hard things to go through together. If both of you keep the perspective that this is a forever thing, not a just-until-this-gets-too-hard thing, things will eventually work themselves out. The Lord's got this. Put it in His hands, and it will all come around right. Have patience with each other and with your relationship. It's got time to grow and refine. Good thing, too...because I know I need a lot of practice...
Her wedding marked the end of an era!
And it made me think about what I would say to her by way of marriage advice to give her a good head start...the things I would go back and tell my engaged-self now.
I started most of these a few months ago, and just rediscovered the un-published list tonight. I polished it off, and am curious to know what you would add....what advice you would give your engaged self based off what you know now...(don't do it!!! maybe? Haha! Kidding!)
So if you want to add something, pleeeease do.
1) A Temple Marriage does not guarantee that your marriage will last; but how much it means to you does.
It's whether you believe in the power of forever that will determine how much you fight for your marriage...how much you're willing to change, grow, humble yourself and forgive five thousand times or more. If you believe that your marriage is worth preserving, it will be. And that goes for both parties.
2) Lose the line "that's just the way I am."
Because it doesn't work anymore. Marriage is the next step in growing, in PROGRESSing. That involves change. Hard changes, sometimes. When you sign up for marriage, it's like signing up to grow....to have any and all issues, weaknesses, and fears thrown open wide and made completely obvious. But it's also about being vulnerable like that together...and making it a safe place to work those things out.
3) Complain to his mom, not yours.
I heard this line recently and looooved it. It is so true! And when defending your husband is really important to you, this just feels intuitive. His mom knows him and all those little weaknesses already...and loves him anyways. Kind of like you do, in fact! And if he's being a butthead, she'll offer you sympathy and forgive him in the very same instant. Your own mother may find the forgiving-him part a little more difficult, so just don't go there. As far as your own mother is concerned, she has the PERFECT son-in-law. Always. This is nullified if there's abuse involved, obviously. Also, let your MIL somehow know that she will get a little venting once in a while...because you don't want her worrying that you tell just anyone about your frustrations like that...
4) Make each other one little promise before you marry of one thing/habit you will always do to show the other comes first.
Like, he will always find you to give you a hug and kiss when he comes home, before anything else. Or...he'll always open the car door for you, no matter what. Or...she'll make his favourite meal once a month. Or...she'll always say "I love you" before going to bed. These are teensy little things that you will ALWAYS do, even if you're mad, that will remind you what this marriage thing is...and who that spouse of yours is. And in those hard times when you are frustrated with each other...being able to say "well, at least she still makes the effort to always keep orange juice in the fridge for me...I must still matter that much to her" just might make ALL the difference in the world.
5) Marriage may be a little lonely for the first little bit.
This is because loyalties are making their final transfers. The process was initiated before marriage already---learning to keep his secrets, learning to trust him, not blabbing everything to your friends/mom/sisters...just learning to be each other's "number one." The process continues into the first little bit of marriage as, suddenly, you have all these new, weird things that come up...you're introducing sex into the mix, here, people! And the temptation to turn to old confidants with new secrets will be strong. But resist! It is such a critical time for learning to trust and confide in each other...to communicate...that this first little bit is so precious. Talk to him first, tell him how you're feeling first, make him feel safe pouring his heart out to you, and work out your first little fights all in the privacy of just-you-and-him. It will feel a little lonely not to call your mom or BFF and "vent" or talk it out...but hang in there...the loyalty and faith in each other that you develop is worth every bit of self-restraint you can muster. Talk it out to your Father in Heaven. He's a way better listener, anyway.
6) Understand that if you drive each other nuts, it's a good sign.
In this one awesome article (that I cannot find the link for at the moment), the author talks about how marriage is set-up specifically for progression and joy. Therefore, you will naturally be attracted to the people who will test you, push you, and grow you the very most. Sometimes it will be because they inspire you to be better. But more often it may be because they drive you crazy...and that shows you an area of yourself that needs a little work...maybe that you have a hard time being patient with someone who clams up in a disagreement...or that you tend to be unnecessarily critical of physical appearance, a weakness laid open with a spouse that doesn't place as much importance on that. They will be the things that may have first endeared you to them...and then eventually just push your buttons. Recognize this truth...then embrace it...then do your darndest to let marriage do what it's supposed to...create a more incredible you...a more incredible you-and-him. Let these drive-you-crazy moments help you understand what you need to work on to create a love that's a little closer to perfect than the day before.
7) When it comes to being mad, it's all about you.
In that you are the only person who you can change. So whether you need to get a more mature perspective, whether you need to swallow some pride, whether you need to remember to let it go and forgive, or whether you just need to apologize for losing your temper...you can't make them fix it, but you can certainly do everything you can to fix yourself. And believe me, even when you think your anger is justified, there is always room for your own, personal improvement.
8) Remember that you fell in love with a human.
And humans are an incredibly complicated mix of wonderful and weak, brilliant and awful. And that means you, too. You didn't fall in love with the-future-husband-prince-charming-that-you've-been-dreaming-about-since-age-five, you fell in love with a man. And love is a choice. So choose to love your man. He's his own mix of crazy, and he's all yours. Love him like no one else can or will. It will be hard sometimes, but worth it.
9) Your definitions of "perfect" are different.
This one might take some explaining. An illustrative example from my husband and I: He was raised to value order. I was raised to value flexibility. While we both kind of value the other attribute as well, of course, but I would way rather be seen as someone who could handle whatever came their way without getting bent out of shape or stressing out...while he would way rather been seen as someone who always kept things in line and organized. I tend to pity inflexibility more than I would pity someone who was a little disorganized...because that's what I tend to believe is more valuable in someone's character. He would tend to scoff at someone who was a little disorganized rather than someone who got stressed out about disorder easily, because that's more along the lines of what he values in someone's character. My point is that neither of us is right about that, or wrong. The key is to be aware of that discrepancy...and to always be learning to appreciate strengths of all kinds, and have compassion for weaknesses of all kinds...especially each other's. ESPECIALLY. Because this is marriage advice, after all...
10) Keep the topics of sex, finances, and the division of work contention-free.
These three topics are the most common reasons marriages have problems. Want to know why? Because these are the tender areas where emotional (and other deeper) issues show up. If there's one or more of these things that are "sore spots" at any point in your marriage, first know that you are normal. And then realize that it means there's something underlying those issues that needs some work and healing. And then do everything you can to figure it out. Never feel ashamed if you need some professional help to fix it. And always be "airing out the laundry" on these issues on a frequent basis...well. on everything, really. Don't let anything fester. Some things need time, some things need disinfecting...know yourself well enough to know what you need to speak-up about.
And fiiiiinally...
11) You've got forever. This is actually the same as number one. But worth repeating. HAaa.
You will cry and be mad and you will have hard things to go through together. If both of you keep the perspective that this is a forever thing, not a just-until-this-gets-too-hard thing, things will eventually work themselves out. The Lord's got this. Put it in His hands, and it will all come around right. Have patience with each other and with your relationship. It's got time to grow and refine. Good thing, too...because I know I need a lot of practice...
Friday, January 4, 2013
Two Thousand Thirteen
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
It amazes me how long I go without actually posting anything to this blog sometimes. It's surprising only because I am always posting on here in my head...and then I actually look at it and realize that none of it made it to the screen. That may be a good thing. Or not.
Anyways.
No secret: I love goal setting opportunities. But this year I'm feeling different...feeling like I'm still working on goals and have a lot of good momentum going...almost like I don't want to wreck it by stopping and thinking about more to add. Weird? Yeah. But even with that undercurrent of resistance, I read this fine lady's goal for the next year...and knew that was exactly what mine needed to be.
So I'm stealing her goal.
2013, for me, is about focusing on the One Needful Thing: my own learning at the Savior's feet.
Ta-daa! That is all.
P.S. By way of follow up (and an excuse tobrag share my success), there are officially no "junk drawers" in our house! Or junk shelves, closets, etc. That doesn't mean that they aren't filled with junk, it just means that everything is organized and has a place...and is generally free of unwanted or unneeded junk (aka clutter). So, I confess I am pleased with and proud of how far that's come...even if it's taken the whole year to finally finish. Ha.
Now to keep it up once the pregnancy nesting energy runs dry...
It amazes me how long I go without actually posting anything to this blog sometimes. It's surprising only because I am always posting on here in my head...and then I actually look at it and realize that none of it made it to the screen. That may be a good thing. Or not.
Anyways.
No secret: I love goal setting opportunities. But this year I'm feeling different...feeling like I'm still working on goals and have a lot of good momentum going...almost like I don't want to wreck it by stopping and thinking about more to add. Weird? Yeah. But even with that undercurrent of resistance, I read this fine lady's goal for the next year...and knew that was exactly what mine needed to be.
So I'm stealing her goal.
2013, for me, is about focusing on the One Needful Thing: my own learning at the Savior's feet.
Ta-daa! That is all.
P.S. By way of follow up (and an excuse to
Now to keep it up once the pregnancy nesting energy runs dry...
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