Eleven Pieces of Marriage Advice

A BFF of mine got married a while ago.
Her wedding marked the end of an era!
And it made me think about what I would say to her by way of marriage advice to give her a good head start...the things I would go back and tell my engaged-self now.
I started most of these a few months ago, and just rediscovered the un-published list tonight. I polished it off, and am curious to know what you would add....what advice you would give your engaged self based off what you know now...(don't do it!!! maybe? Haha! Kidding!)
So if you want to add something, pleeeease do.

1) A Temple Marriage does not guarantee that your marriage will last; but how much it means to you does. 
It's whether you believe in the power of forever that will determine how much you fight for your marriage...how much you're willing to change, grow, humble yourself and forgive five thousand times or more. If you believe that your marriage is worth preserving, it will be. And that goes for both parties.

2) Lose the line "that's just the way I am." 
Because it doesn't work anymore. Marriage is the next step in growing, in PROGRESSing. That involves change. Hard changes, sometimes. When you sign up for marriage, it's like signing up to grow....to have any and all issues, weaknesses, and fears thrown open wide and made completely obvious. But it's also about being vulnerable like that together...and making it a safe place to work those things out.

3) Complain to his mom, not yours.
I heard this line recently and looooved it. It is so true! And when defending your husband is really important to you, this just feels intuitive. His mom knows him and all those little weaknesses already...and loves him anyways. Kind of like you do, in fact! And if he's being a butthead, she'll offer you sympathy and forgive him in the very same instant. Your own mother may find the forgiving-him part a little more difficult, so just don't go there. As far as your own mother is concerned, she has the PERFECT son-in-law. Always. This is nullified if there's abuse involved, obviously. Also, let your MIL somehow know that she will get a little venting once in a while...because you don't want her worrying that you tell just anyone about your frustrations like that...

4) Make each other one little promise before you marry of one thing/habit you will always do to show the other comes first. 
Like, he will always find you to give you a hug and kiss when he comes home, before anything else. Or...he'll always open the car door for you, no matter what. Or...she'll make his favourite meal once a month. Or...she'll always say "I love you" before going to bed. These are teensy little things that you will ALWAYS do, even if you're mad, that will remind you what this marriage thing is...and who that spouse of yours is. And in those hard times when you are frustrated with each other...being able to say "well, at least she still makes the effort to always keep orange juice in the fridge for me...I must still matter that much to her" just might make ALL the difference in the world.

5) Marriage may be a little lonely for the first little bit.
This is because loyalties are making their final transfers. The process was initiated before marriage already---learning to keep his secrets, learning to trust him, not blabbing everything to your friends/mom/sisters...just learning to be each other's "number one." The process continues into the first little bit of marriage as, suddenly, you have all these new, weird things that come up...you're introducing sex into the mix, here, people! And the temptation to turn to old confidants with new secrets will be strong. But resist! It is such a critical time for learning to trust and confide in each other...to communicate...that this first little bit is so precious. Talk to him first, tell him how you're feeling first, make him feel safe pouring his heart out to you, and work out your first little fights all in the privacy of just-you-and-him. It will feel a little lonely not to call your mom or BFF and "vent" or talk it out...but hang in there...the loyalty and faith in each other that you develop is worth every bit of self-restraint you can muster. Talk it out to your Father in Heaven. He's a way better listener, anyway.

6) Understand that if you drive each other nuts, it's a good sign.
In this one awesome article (that I cannot find the link for at the moment), the author talks about how marriage is set-up specifically for progression and joy. Therefore, you will naturally be attracted to the people who will test you, push you, and grow you the very most. Sometimes it will be because they inspire you to be better. But more often it may be because they drive you crazy...and that shows you an area of yourself that needs a little work...maybe that you have a hard time being patient with someone who clams up in a disagreement...or that you tend to be unnecessarily critical of physical appearance, a weakness laid open with a spouse that doesn't place as much importance on that. They will be the things that may have first endeared you to them...and then eventually just push your buttons. Recognize this truth...then embrace it...then do your darndest to let marriage do what it's supposed to...create a more incredible you...a more incredible you-and-him. Let these drive-you-crazy moments help you understand what you need to work on to create a love that's a little closer to perfect than the day before.

7) When it comes to being mad, it's all about you.
In that you are the only person who you can change. So whether you need to get a more mature perspective, whether you need to swallow some pride, whether you need to remember to let it go and forgive, or whether you just need to apologize for losing your temper...you can't make them fix it, but you can certainly do everything you can to fix yourself. And believe me, even when you think your anger is justified, there is always room for your own, personal improvement.

8) Remember that you fell in love with a human.
And humans are an incredibly complicated mix of wonderful and weak, brilliant and awful. And that means you, too. You didn't fall in love with the-future-husband-prince-charming-that-you've-been-dreaming-about-since-age-five, you fell in love with a man. And love is a choice. So choose to love your man. He's his own mix of crazy, and he's all yours. Love him like no one else can or will. It will be hard sometimes, but worth it.

9) Your definitions of "perfect" are different.
This one might take some explaining. An illustrative example from my husband and I: He was raised to value order. I was raised to value flexibility. While we both kind of value the other attribute as well, of course, but I would way rather be seen as someone who could handle whatever came their way without getting bent out of shape or stressing out...while he would way rather been seen as someone who always kept things in line and organized. I tend to pity inflexibility more than I would pity someone who was a little disorganized...because that's what I tend to believe is more valuable in someone's character. He would tend to scoff at someone who was a little disorganized rather than someone who got stressed out about disorder easily, because that's more along the lines of what he values in someone's character. My point is that neither of us is right about that, or wrong. The key is to be aware of that discrepancy...and to always be learning to appreciate strengths of all kinds, and have compassion for weaknesses of all kinds...especially each other's. ESPECIALLY. Because this is marriage advice, after all...

10) Keep the topics of sex, finances, and the division of work contention-free.
These three topics are the most common reasons marriages have problems. Want to know why? Because these are the tender areas where emotional (and other deeper) issues show up. If there's one or more of these things that are "sore spots" at any point in your marriage, first know that you are normal. And then realize that it means there's something underlying those issues that needs some work and healing. And then do everything you can to figure it out. Never feel ashamed if you need some professional help to fix it. And always be "airing out the laundry" on these issues on a frequent basis...well. on everything, really. Don't let anything fester. Some things need time, some things need disinfecting...know yourself well enough to know what you need to speak-up about.

And fiiiiinally...

11) You've got forever. This is actually the same as number one. But worth repeating. HAaa.
You will cry and be mad and you will have hard things to go through together. If both of you keep the perspective that this is a forever thing, not a just-until-this-gets-too-hard thing, things will eventually work themselves out. The Lord's got this. Put it in His hands, and it will all come around right. Have patience with each other and with your relationship. It's got time to grow and refine. Good thing, too...because I know I need a lot of practice...

Two Thousand Thirteen

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It amazes me how long I go without actually posting anything to this blog sometimes. It's surprising only because I am always posting on here in my head...and then I actually look at it and realize that none of it made it to the screen. That may be a good thing. Or not.

Anyways.

No secret: I love goal setting opportunities. But this year I'm feeling different...feeling like I'm still working on goals and have a lot of good momentum going...almost like I don't want to wreck it by stopping and thinking about more to add. Weird? Yeah. But even with that undercurrent of resistance, I read this fine lady's goal for the next year...and knew that was exactly what mine needed to be.

So I'm stealing her goal.
2013, for me, is about focusing on the One Needful Thing: my own learning at the Savior's feet.

Ta-daa! That is all.

P.S. By way of follow up (and an excuse to brag share my success), there are officially no "junk drawers" in our house! Or junk shelves, closets, etc. That doesn't mean that they aren't filled with junk, it just means that everything is organized and has a place...and is generally free of unwanted or unneeded junk (aka clutter). So, I confess I am pleased with and proud of how far that's come...even if it's taken the whole year to finally finish. Ha.
Now to keep it up once the pregnancy nesting energy runs dry...