...It's a funny thing.
So I remember being a young,
single adult not-so-long ago, watching friends get married.
And I remember always,
always expecting them to fall off the face of the earth for a while post-matrimony. And then to be awkward around single friends for a
loooong time thereafter.
We didn't really resent the friends that disappeared. We were pretty sure it had to happen for
some reason... because it
always happened to
everyone we knew that got married.... figured it just came with the second ring or something. Marriage changes friendships, the long and short of it.
And so when friends got engaged, there was a bittersweet feeling to the occasion.
(
Insert forlorn sigh here.)
We knew we were losing a friend. Orrr, at least losing the friend as we knew him or her at that moment. Marriage meant our friendships had to change.
Being on the other side of the equation has been a whole new experience. Eye-opening, fer-sher.
As a single gal, friendships with other girls...and even guys...was generally about disclosure, I think.
It was about who you could trust with your heart...who you could go to after a great date, or a bad date, and spill your stinkin guts. It was about who you didn't have to look smokin-hot-all-the-time for. It was about secrets over fondue, secrets over candles, secrets over popcorn. The friends you loved and trusted the most got the most of your secrets. They knew why you
actually broke up with so-and-so...not just because you
weren`t ready for a serious relationship right now (ha.)...and what your current boyfriend did that bugged you just a little. They were the ones you could just
haaaaang with, doing absolutely nothing and
still having a blast. You knew someone considered you a true friend if they told you who they
really liked (like, for real; not the guy that she tells you because she doesn't really care if it works out or not. The guy that she'd embarrassed to admit because she thinks about him way too much) while they slept over at your house and let you see them first thing in the morning.
Depth of friendship was gauged by how much of yourself you could let them see.
All about those golden few friends who you could trust with your secrets....and really, with
you.
Well, D-Hubby and I got married
quick.
Once we realized we were dating
for real here (aka: "seriously"), we made sure we were working on building the best-friendship part of our relationship...which took effort and sacrifice, like any friendship, just at warp speed. BaHa. Building our relationship meant that we needed to be able to trust each other with our secrets. It meant shifting my loyalties to put him at the top of the list. It meant I couldn't tell my best other-pals
everything about this guy I'm dating. It meant that above all, in every situation, I was duty-bound to keep his secrets and "protect his honour"...maybe not the right phrase, but y'know what I mean? It was a perspective shift when it came to maintaining or making friendships from that point on. What if I said too much? My secrets were not just MY secrets anymore, and they were more important to keep.
And I remember what
that felt like as 'the single friend' when my other friends got married. You could just sense that something was changing...that you weren't the one who knew everything anymore, weren't the friend they went to FIRST....when they started shifting loyalties from telling you
everything to telling you only what you needed to know. Which was okay. A little sad, naturally, but okay. I guess. And supposed to happen. Marriages struggle when that
doesn't happen. Or stick, for that matter.
This paradigm shift has been one of the major adjustments to marriage for me, I've decided. I'm not gonna lie: it was (and still can be)
an ofttimes
lonely adjustment. Marriage comes with a lot of new things to talk about. And rather than say too much, you say nothing at all. And every once in a while, my newly-wed-self (who am I kidding, I`m still a newlywed!) felt like I was going to implode with pent-up too-serious-for-slumber-party girl-talk.
BUT. Before this sounds like I`m whining...
The adjustment is SO worth it.
The investment of time into your new built-in-forever-best-friend is
awesome. And because of all that you're investing, the return is a friend who is more special to you than any other friend ever has been. A perfect friendship? No way, Jose. But the most worthwhile one you'll ever create? Most definitely.
My point: Adjusting from single-friendships to married-friendships (both with your spouse and other people) is a toughie. A necessary toughie. At least it has been for me.
Maybe by 5 years married I'll understand how it works.
...Or the weirdness will just be normal and I'll forget how it was weird in the first place....and wonder why newly-married girls are so weird about being friends, like they want to have slumber parties and tell secrets to be friends, those weird newlyweds. Just come to the waterpark with me and my kids and we'll just take turns smiling friendship-like at each other while we chase our offspring around. Maybe we'll talk about our kids. And some great
secret recipes.
:)
...Weird.
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