I'm laying here listening to the rain fall outside and feeling sorry for myself, a little.
I'm scrolling through my Instagram feed that was just recently flooded with photos from two friends that attended the same, awesome outdoor music festival this last weekend. They attended with their awesome husbands and listened to awesome bands and performers and only had to rush home, all partied out and thrilled, to get back to work and school and their beds to catch up on lost sleep.
Not kids.
And you know, it's not very often that I feel this way...a little whiny for a taste of kidless freedom...but occasionally, very occasionally, I'll get this zing of jealousy for those whole have the time to do their hair and their makeup every morning. Who have the freedom to go to the store by themselves whenever they want, and hunt down the cutest vintage dresses and furniture. Who have the uninterrupted moments of careful attention to studying style and design, to planning outfits and hairstyles....who have the energy to care about it all the time. I'll envy those who have the quiet and the minutes to discover new songwriters and really listen to the songs, enjoy them without feeling they are adding to the never-ending noise. Who have the flexibility and the disposable income to travel, to quit their day jobs and write blogs, run cute businesses from home, discover new secret restaurants, and photograph people whenever they are asked and whenever they want. Who can pour themselves into hobbies and interests wholeheartedly and with their full attention.
But don't worry...before you feel sorry for me, or want to scold me, I promise you that I know I've got a world of better things going on. One of the hardest things about being a mom is learning how to focus your time, attention, and energy...and your heart...on the things that are the most important at the time. Sometimes the best thing you can be doing IS taking time for yourself...but usually, it's not. And sometimes it does look like a little taste of the fun, carefree things that you get to do more of when you don't have little people tugging at your shirt...or at very least, tugging at the back of your mind. but usually the important things are just things like stepping away from the screen, or fixing a hurt with a kiss, or leaving the house with your hair very un-cute because you made breakfast for your family instead.
And I know in these moments of envy that I'm glamorizing a life without littles, really I do; but that's not the point of my whining this evening, sorry, folks. Tomorrow, or maybe even in 30 seconds...I'll be remembering why being a mom is so profoundly awesome, and the jealousy will fall away.
But sometimes, you just want to be at the concerts. Because sometimes being a mom is just hard.
That is all. The end.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Day with The Message
Do you ever have those days where you feel like everything is trying to tell you something? The same thing?
I had a day like that the other day. Someone (with a capital "S") was trying to teach me something, rapid-fire style, all day long.
First of all, I saw this video. It's life-changing, all on its own. But as if that wasn't enough to get said message across...
Then I read this post. And it resonated with me, as a mother, even though it's aimed at daddies.
Then my sister, who battled cancer last year, had to go to the hospital. It could be cancer again, or an infection of some kind that's not responding to antibiotics.
And then I kept running into quote after quote after blog post about how people just need to be loved and life needs to be lived with bravery and kindness.
And it all seemed to be telling me one thing, the SAME thing. But I can't even tell you exactly what it was! What I do know is that it changed me. Just a little. But just enough, too.
It changed the way I thought about, and reacted to, every situation that day. I saw everything with the same eyes I've always had...but I processed the information totally differently. It made me remember important things that the chaos of "the everyday" seems to camouflage with an expert hand. It made me slow down, breathe, and take a hard look around this life of mine. And all with only a few well-placed punches to the gut of my self-absorption.
Maybe it was a message that could be summed up in the phrase "Carpe Diem." But then it would feel stale, to me. The things I was feeling, that were changing me, were living and breathing and speaking to me. Specifically to me. It was about my life, my babies, my marriage, my faith, my heart, my mind.
The Message of That Day may not be able to be summed up in words, but I can tell you a few things it's made me really want:
To be more than I am letting myself become...and not in the way of ambition or recognition...in the quiet battles of my heart; in the gritty moments when I have to choose to be deeper, calmer, bigger, higher, stronger, softer...than The Whiny or The Proud inside me that wants the easy way out.
To stop and look into my children's eyes as often as I can. Because there are very few things I am doing or looking at that are more important than letting my kids know that they are loved and important to me. To take a breath and stop and explain. To just love my husband. Just love him. Because he's trying, and that's all I can ask. And loving him is all the Lord asks of me. To be gentle with him, because hearts are fragile...even if they look tough and have sharp edges.
To enjoy the people in my life that I love, love, love. To reach out to them and ignore all my excuses I may have about seeming invasive, cheesy, too busy, blah blah blah. And to make everyone someone that I love.
To really, really counsel with my God. To discuss things with him more meaningfully, and to listen to His direction and be brave enough, faithful enough, to follow...and allow myself to really feel His love. Because there is no one that loves my imperfect, wandering, distracted self as much as He does. Because He cared about me enough to wake me up a little...to send me a day like this because He wants me to have a rich, full life that I enjoy...and loves me enough to show me how. That He gives me a day like today to remind me that He has confidence in me and my ability to be a little more than I was yesterday...and that I can be a little more tomorrow. And that I can mess up, forget...and He will still be there to remind me, You can do this. Just keep trying. I'll be here to help you remember.
And so, I sit here grateful.
For Zach Sobiech for reminding us all that you don't have to be dying to really live your life. And for Single Dad, Laughing reminding me how precious my children are and how careful I need to be with them. And for all the other reminders---and scary moments---that have helped me to remember, a little better, what this life...what my life...is for.
This post is dedicated to my sweet sister, Jocelyn, because she likes to remind me of these things all the time...both with her amazing example of love and compassion and a life well-lived...and because she likes to scare me into remembering every now and again ;) Haha.
I love you, Jake!
I had a day like that the other day. Someone (with a capital "S") was trying to teach me something, rapid-fire style, all day long.
First of all, I saw this video. It's life-changing, all on its own. But as if that wasn't enough to get said message across...
Then I read this post. And it resonated with me, as a mother, even though it's aimed at daddies.
Then my sister, who battled cancer last year, had to go to the hospital. It could be cancer again, or an infection of some kind that's not responding to antibiotics.
And then I kept running into quote after quote after blog post about how people just need to be loved and life needs to be lived with bravery and kindness.
And it all seemed to be telling me one thing, the SAME thing. But I can't even tell you exactly what it was! What I do know is that it changed me. Just a little. But just enough, too.
It changed the way I thought about, and reacted to, every situation that day. I saw everything with the same eyes I've always had...but I processed the information totally differently. It made me remember important things that the chaos of "the everyday" seems to camouflage with an expert hand. It made me slow down, breathe, and take a hard look around this life of mine. And all with only a few well-placed punches to the gut of my self-absorption.
Maybe it was a message that could be summed up in the phrase "Carpe Diem." But then it would feel stale, to me. The things I was feeling, that were changing me, were living and breathing and speaking to me. Specifically to me. It was about my life, my babies, my marriage, my faith, my heart, my mind.
The Message of That Day may not be able to be summed up in words, but I can tell you a few things it's made me really want:
To be more than I am letting myself become...and not in the way of ambition or recognition...in the quiet battles of my heart; in the gritty moments when I have to choose to be deeper, calmer, bigger, higher, stronger, softer...than The Whiny or The Proud inside me that wants the easy way out.
To stop and look into my children's eyes as often as I can. Because there are very few things I am doing or looking at that are more important than letting my kids know that they are loved and important to me. To take a breath and stop and explain. To just love my husband. Just love him. Because he's trying, and that's all I can ask. And loving him is all the Lord asks of me. To be gentle with him, because hearts are fragile...even if they look tough and have sharp edges.
To enjoy the people in my life that I love, love, love. To reach out to them and ignore all my excuses I may have about seeming invasive, cheesy, too busy, blah blah blah. And to make everyone someone that I love.
To really, really counsel with my God. To discuss things with him more meaningfully, and to listen to His direction and be brave enough, faithful enough, to follow...and allow myself to really feel His love. Because there is no one that loves my imperfect, wandering, distracted self as much as He does. Because He cared about me enough to wake me up a little...to send me a day like this because He wants me to have a rich, full life that I enjoy...and loves me enough to show me how. That He gives me a day like today to remind me that He has confidence in me and my ability to be a little more than I was yesterday...and that I can be a little more tomorrow. And that I can mess up, forget...and He will still be there to remind me, You can do this. Just keep trying. I'll be here to help you remember.
And so, I sit here grateful.
For Zach Sobiech for reminding us all that you don't have to be dying to really live your life. And for Single Dad, Laughing reminding me how precious my children are and how careful I need to be with them. And for all the other reminders---and scary moments---that have helped me to remember, a little better, what this life...what my life...is for.
This post is dedicated to my sweet sister, Jocelyn, because she likes to remind me of these things all the time...both with her amazing example of love and compassion and a life well-lived...and because she likes to scare me into remembering every now and again ;) Haha.
I love you, Jake!
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