Friday.

My sister has been battling lymphoma for the past two years. In the past three weeks she has contracted pneumonia, and is currently hovering precariously on the brink of leaving this life behind.

It's just The Waiting right now. Any phone call could be "THE" phone call. Our family is huddled together, both literally and figuratively....just waiting.

And I think to myself, So, this is what this feels like....facing the possibility of continuing this life without the presence of someone you expected to get to keep close for a lot longer. It feels surreal, like a bad dream. I keep waiting to wake up, with relief flooding over me, so grateful it was just a nightmare. But instead I just keep waking up to check my phone, again, with my heartbeat quickening at every message, email, call.

My thoughts are consumed by this, swinging from wildly desperate hope that she will make it... to the crippling consideration of what it might feel like without her here, to hug, laugh with...for her babies to grow up without their mommy.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...how you hop on, get a few ups, downs, and turns...just to get you started. But, in the distance, you see the huge hill and the massive drop. These past couple years have been the initial ups and downs...and these past few weeks have been climbing, climbing, climbing straight up this big hill where the only thing left seems to be The Drop. I feel like I'm reaching the summit, where something is about to give, the bottom inevitably about to fall from under me...and the only thing you can think is "Well...here we go. Here it comes."

I think about my kids. I think about what they know about death. The only frame of reference they have are fairy tales, where death is cured with a magical kiss or special potion. I watch them when they are playing and pretending, and every time someone "dies," they are soon kissed awake and restored. We have talked about how their auntie is sick, and might have to go home to Heavenly Father. Baby-Rae, now four, asked only "How does Heavenly Father carry her?" Very carefully, is all I can think to say through the lump in my throat.

I have never appreciated friends bringing meals over so much. It is just that much less to think about, that much more love to feel, and that much more comfort by way of eating my feelings. I don't feel even a little guilty about it in a time like this. I'm finding little joys where I can, be it in my sweet-smelling baby's neck, or in the warmth of a cheesy lasagna.

I've been walking around in a fog, simultaneously lost in my thoughts and hiding from them. But it is amazing to me that the things that can pierce the fog are how pretty my slices of apples look in the morning light, the way my baby's eye sparkle when she sees me, the lovely steam curling peacefully from a rooftop into the sky. I know that it is my God whispering, for only He can cut through these clouds. He is reminding me that even in the darkest sorrow, He is there, and there is beauty.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

Parenting.

Parenting.

It's one of those things that I don't often feel like I get right.
And just when I'm starting to think I might have things figured out...my kid starts in on a totally new stage of their lives and everything I've learned about how to parent them up to that point CHANGES ALMOST COMPLETELY.
Like a game you're thrown into where the rules keep changing just when you think you've got them down,
and change depending on which player you are playing with,
and change depending on what colour their socks are that day.

I happen to think that parents and their kids are literally a match made in heaven.
It means that I firmly believe that we are in the families we are in for a reason. 
Well, probably LOTS of reasons, but youknowwhatImean.

It means that my kids are MY KIDS for a purpose.
Which means I need my babies and their specific strengths and challenges for my own learning and growth.
Which means that for some unknown reason, they need a mom that is passionate, but not precise; a little messy at life, honestly.
A mom that is kind of scatterbrained, but whole-hearted.
A mom that says what she's thinking and strives for honesty and authenticity, but is a little scared and sometimes gets overwhelmed and kind of freaks out and hides.
A mom that loves and loses her patience 
and apologizes 
and gets distracted
and should be softer and sweeter.
A LOT.

God knows (like, He actually does) why my kids need me.
They might need to learn from my strengths.
They probably need to learn from my mistakes.
They most likely need to learn to overcome the mess I make from blundering my way around this parenting thing.
They may need me to parent them just the way I would naturally parent.
And we may both need the growth that comes from my struggle to parent them in a way that is counterintuitive to me,
but ideal for them.

We need each other... for obvious reasons, and ones that will be hidden until further notice.
There is a plan that we are a part of, together, that is bigger than either of us. We are in the middle of a giant lesson, a giant test, a giant opportunity for JOY.
The mistakes, triumphs, and messes we make together as parent and child are special,
they have purpose,
and they are sacred.

And as a general rule, I believe that about every parent-child relationship.
Which means that I don't get to jump to any conclusions about someone else's mommy-kid relationship.
It means that maybe they need a parent that is NOT the parent I would be...
but if they needed me as a parent, then they would be my kid. And they're not. So....
Maybe they need that parent's example, mistakes, strengths, and weaknesses to give them the opportunities, the refiner's fires, the learning and the growth that will allow them to become something really amazing; the person God knows they can be.

I have to trust that.
And remind myself of that.
And simply be a parent that lets other parents parent the way they believe is best. And always be the parent that supports other parents-trying-their-best with love and respect. And with hugs.

Because it's hard.
Even harder when you're not perfect.
And so all you can do is keep on learning from your mistakes,
treasuring the moments that are sheer heaven,
keep recognizing Who has the Big Plan,
and trusting His perfect, perfect judgement.
Because He is the perfect parent, after all.

Heaven, help me.

Messy Vulnerability

Today, I just happened to walk out of the Mother's Lounge (the comfy place to breastfeed) at church at precisely the wrong time, witnessing a brief, but heated, exchange between a friend and her husband. I debated pretending I hadn't seen anything, but I didn't. It was um...obvious that I had totally seen everything. And she needed a hug. And she cried about it, and vented a little, and took a deep breath. We hugged again, and parted ways.

And I was so grateful. For her. For that moment.

Because, you see, this morning before church I was feeling so...low, and scattered. There was the normal craziness of getting ready for church, and then feeling like I had nothing to wear, nothing was clean, I have to do laundry, and catch up on the dishes from yesterday and no one else must have these issues with keeping up with life, and I have to get myself together because I need to parent three kids through church without anyone being disrupted, but I am feeling so overwhellllllllmmmmeeeed. I just want to feel calm inside. I just want a break from my own head. I have no room left in my brain to think clearly, or to think about anything else, everything else that needs to get done. How does everyone else do it!?

My friend didn't have to let me in. She didn't have to let me comfort her and let me see more of her difficult situation. She could have left, walked away, pretended everything was okay when I came over. And I would have let her, of course, because it was hers to share or hide. But she was brave, and she let me be there for her. She opened up her hurting heart.

And I was so comforted. Not because I needed to know that she had issues...but because I needed to know that it was okay to have them. That it was okay to talk about them. That it was okay to be open to love and comfort when I need them. I felt unburdened simply by being witness to her willingness to share and be open.

I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately, and I still don't feel like I have that comfortable grip on what it is to me, yet. It feels so raw and elusive. Which is maybe exactly what it's supposed to be. I only have messy thoughts, questions I've been asking myself.

I feel like we, as a culture, are not very friendly to people being vulnerable. We condemn people for "oversharing" and tsk-tsk people who bear their souls. It's like we feel the need to cover up their naked emotions. Hey, um...did you know that you're supposed to act like you don't feel like that??? How embarrassing that you don't know that we just don't SAY things like that out loud! We're pretending to be perfect here, helllllooo! Okay, you totally let your weakness show there...(giggle, snicker)...  So...can we just stop that? Like right now? Is it possible that maybe that person knew perfectly well that you would look down on them for talking out loud about their difficult moment, or feeling genuinely grateful for a success...and did it anyway? That they actually did it because they were courageous? Brave? That they were opening themselves up to love and support, knowing FULL WELL that they are also opening themselves up to judgement and silent-ish ridicule? That they knew they were supposed to be pretending to be perfect? Maybe, just maybe, it was more important to them to be open and authentic...real!...than to appear like they had it together every minute of every day. You could argue that some are doing it for attention, fine. But they are being pretty dang clear that they need some attention, don't you think? That they need people reaching out in love, even just with a little uplifting word here and there. Is it really our job to withhold love and comfort from someone, just to teach them a lesson about the right way to get attention???

What is it about someone opening up that is scary or uncomfortable for us? Are we maybe a little jealous that they don't feel bound by the same fears we do? Do we want to silence them because we are offended that they don't seem to struggle with the same battle that we do with fearing the opinions of others? Are we willing to give our fears a run for their money by opening up ourselves? Are we willing to be loved? Are we willing to be hurt? Are we willing to just BE who we are, as we are, in that moment?

What does vulnerability look like in my life? Where can I apply this strength, this humility, in the ways I need it most?

I have friends that are my role models for their ability to be open and vulnerable. I respect the heck out of them. Someday, I want to be as brave as they are. I am working on it.

With those messy questions on this quiet and thoughtful night, I'll leave you with this TED talk I've listened to recently that got me thinking in the first place. It's a oldie, but a goodie. And worth a second listen, even if you've heard it before.

Once-a-Month Grocery Shopping

SOooo...let's create some background here.

Last year (about this exact time, actually) I was stymied by all of these Pinterest pins and blog posts about grocery shopping once a month. I just couldn't even fathom going that long without re-stocking fresh produce, and other such perishable items! At that point, I was grocery shopping once every week or two, nothing crazy. I also kind of liked grocery shopping...I like food, and I enjoy cooking...so it was kind of exciting to be surrounded with all of the possibilities! Ha.

But I also like saving money. Not in a save-money-no-matter-what! kind of way...but definitely in a student-family-needs-to-keep-it-frugal kind of way.

I was curious, so I started by evaluating how much I had spent on groceries/household-necessities for the past three months. I thought I was super-thrifty...so the amount I actually spent kind of shocked me. It was the motivation I needed to look into the whole idea more seriously.

So I did it for a few months last winter...AND I LOVED IT. I plan to do it again this year...and just read a post that got me all pumped up about it again. Since I've got it back on the brain, I figured I'd share what I learned the last time around...y'know freshen up and air out my memory, or something like that.

Number One Concern for me was fresh produce. I love me my fruits and veggies! And it's important to me to feed them to my family. I didn't get how it worked to just buy them once a month... But THIS POST totally changed my brain when it came to how I thought about it. After reading it, having fresh produce the whole month sounded actually do-able for the first time.

My own best tips for produce:

-Initially, I listed all the fruits and vegetables I could possibly think of that my family actually used. I then went through each fruit or veggie and put a number "1" beside them if it would only last a week or less..."2" if it would last up to 2 weeks..."3" if it would last up to three weeks...and "4" beside the ones that could last all month. This gave me a good, giant reference list. And helped me know which meals needed to be planned for which weeks (ie. Taco Salad in the first week, when the lettuce, tomatoes, and avocados are around). It actually surprised me how many I had that could last the whole month: carrots, beets and other root veggies, apples, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, onions, garlic, squash, even things like cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli in the right conditions (coincidence that most of those that keep for longer are "winter veggies?" I think not. Side benefit of shopping once a month through the winter? Eating more seasonally! Awesome.)

-Leafy greens: I would buy a TON of leafy greens (especially spinach & kale). For the first week or two it's lots of fresh salads. Weeks three and four we get our daily greens by making frozen smoothie bags. Frozen greens also make a great addition to stir-fry's, soups, spinach lasagnas...PLUS! we would even juice greens and freeze the juice in ice cube trays to add to smoothies...or to thaw and sip slowly in a glass.

-Juicing: the first couple weeks were fresh-pressed green juices, the last couple more of the beets, apples, and carrot juices...with maybe a green juice ice cube tossed in (see above).

-I would buy bananas like crazy, too, because they got eaten fresh, frozen in smoothie bags, or frozen and made into banana bread or banana "ice cream."

-The freezer is your best friend. I realized that I totally under-appreciated frozen veggies and fruits before shopping once a month. Example? Avocados can be frozen (scooped out of the skin) and then thawed for guacamole. Awesome.

-Look up internet tips and tricks for keeping produce fresh longer. The "wrap celery in tin foil" one actually works alright!

And dairy.

-My mom has always frozen milk growing up, so it was easy to imagine buying enough for the month and just thawing a jug when needed. The catch with this one is enough freezer space. If we did run out, it was the perfect opportunity to try dairy substitutes like coconut milk and homemade nut milks. We use these more often than dairy milk this year anyways, so I don't anticipate any problems this year.

-Cheese can be shredded and frozen, but it also keeps pretty well on its own for the month, too. You can apparently freeze cheese in slices as well, but I've never tried it...I can see it being useful for making sandwiches at the end of the month, though. I would shred a block and freeze it in smaller quantities since we usually use cheese for things like quesadillas, soup toppings, and tacos anyways.

-Blocks of butter freeze and thaw beautifully.

-Eggs last a month. Just take them out of their carton and place them all into a little basket or container in your fridge, gently piling them on top of each other. Takes up less space.

-Our plain, full-fat yogurt lasted the month just fine.

And meats.

-We don't really eat a lot of meat, but what we do eat, we would buy in bulk and freeze in smaller portions so we only had to thaw a meal-sized amount at one time.

-Right after grocery shopping, I would cook and shred half of my chicken breasts (or thighs, whatever). and stick the cooked, shredded meat into the freezer in its own bag. That way it was convenient for soups, toss into quesadillas, white chili's, etc. Just made a real meal so much more accessible on the days where I didn't want to cook...


Pros to shopping once-a-month:

-A healthier view of grocery shopping. Grocery shopping was kind of my 'retail therapy' before, and it was fun and exciting to me to imagine what I could make with so many choices, and something to get-out-of-the-house and do...which it still is, in a way...but now I feel like it's not the "hobby" it once was. After once-a-month for a few months, it became something with less emotional implications and just something that needed to get done. Which also translated into spending less.

-It challenged me, creatively, in the kitchen. When things would start to run out near the end of the month, I was determined to try and make it until the end of the month anyways...so it would push me to use what I had on hand and not just run out to the store and grab some more of what I thought I needed. I actually used the vegetables that I had frozen earlier and was finally pushed to home-make things that I hadn't really needed to before (like finally cooking dried beans...ha!). I surprised myself with meals I never would have tried otherwise... that were actually delicious and nutritious despite thinking I had "nothing in the house."

-It saved money. I think this is for two reasons: like I said in the first reason, it helped me not grocery shop as a "hobby" anymore, which reduced the emotional spending. The second reason is simply that when you are not at the store as often, there's not as much opportunity to spend on things you don't need.

-More time to spend on other fun stuff! My kids are good grocery shoppers, so it was always a fun little outing for us, but after hauling them and groceries around to a few stores, the rest of the day was pretty much shot for being productive as we came home spent. Grocery shopping once means more days that can be used for play dates, drop-in activities at the local YMCA, walks, and other fun things.

The downsides of once-a-month shopping:

-HAVING ENOUGH SPACE to put everything, whether it be freezer space, fridge space, or counter/shelf space. I would always feel like I was drowning in groceries for the first week or two. And that my fridge and freezers were overflowing. We have an upright deep freeze...and a "produce shelf" in the kitchen has helped tons...but I still anticipate feeling a little overwhelmed every time I'm putting a month of groceries away. Waiting until the very last second to go grocery shopping helped with making room, I found.

-Having your entire monthly grocery amount in one large, lump sum. I realize this isn't really a problem for most, but a student budget combined with an owning-your-own-business budget can get kind of patchy sometimes, so sometimes having ALL of our grocery money for the month at the beginning of the month was not always realistic.

-In my opinion, it's something that only really works through the winter months. Once the Spring produce rolls in, I start grocery shopping (even if it's just produce!) a little more often. I try and eat fairly seasonally, and the spring and summer produce (asparagus! strawberries! peaches!) doesn't keep as well. During this past summer, I tried to just get non-perishables once or twice a month...and then get produce at the farmer's market on a weekly basis.

-Last time I did once a month shopping, I had two kids that both fit in the cart so I could take them on one giant grocery shopping trip...now, though, I have three kiddos and that won't work...so this time around, I'll have to go by myself.

Extra details?

-I meal-planned, but not rigidly...it was more like a list of meals I would make that month, with them grouped into "The First Two Weeks" and "The Last Two Weeks" just to make sure that I got the ingredients I needed while I was out. That said, I live in a big city not in the middle of nowhere...so there was always a little money leftover to run out and grab something if reeeeally reeeeally needed. I tried not to, though, just because it was an experiment to see if it would ACTUALLY work to just go once.

-I was using debit last year, and still spent less...but this year I am only using cash, since it's been working for us for the past several months. It's proven to be effective for our family at keeping us on budget, and I anticipate it will be save us even more in the groceries department this year, too.

-Last year, I went to Costco and Superstore with occasional visits to our local Health Food store for things that I just couldn't find at either Costco or Superstore. I don't think I'd make that number of stores any higher. It worked for our family's needs.

-I froze bread, or just made it with my super-fast-super-easy recipe. Someday, I want to learn to make slow, beautiful breads...but not now.


Okay, I think that's all I can dump out of my head at the moment.
This made me totally excited to start up again; I'd love to hear any tips you've got. I need 'em!

Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Part 2

By way of explanation: At night, physically and emotionally spent, I usually collapse into a kid-free coma and zone out to a TV show or two before going to bed. But lately, I've been eating differently, and it's left me with some life still leftover in me at the end of the day. I've decided to use it more wisely...and to write, sing, read more often in the evenings. These "Things My Kids Should Know" questions are giving me a thought-provoking place to start, even if they are a little cheesy. Sooo...Enjoy? Haha.

Part 1 here.


3) Describe Three Legitimate Fears you have and how they became fears.

---Jumping into cold water.
       I jumped into an ice cold lake once and almost passed out because of the shock. Freaked me riiiiight out. I don't even care if you call me a chicken, I just wade into cold water now.
---Not living up to my potential.
       One of the worst things I can think of is standing there at the end of my life and being disappointed with myself.
---Being sexually abused/raped.
       This one is pretty self-explanatory, not to mention understandable. Just the idea of someone taking something away from me that is so precious horrifies me. I ache for every victim of sexual abuse.

4) Describe your relationship with your spouse

My relationship with my sweet D-Hubby is...well...like putting two elephants in one potato sack. So far it's been a lot of squeezing and squishing, and being annoyed about the other one getting in our way and laughing about how ridiculous we must look. We are two strong, mostly opposite personalities who both like getting our own way. But we are also vulnerable with each other, and take care of each other. We love to create together, to enjoy the outdoors together, to love on our kids, and tease each other. If we're having a disagreement, it's probably because I'm telling him he's being insensitive and where-the-heck is his heart, and he's telling me I am being totally unreasonable and not everything can be love and sunshine. And then we just look at each other, all mad...and realize that those are just the things that we love about each other: he loves how much I care about people, I love how he can see a situation from a straightforward and logical perspective. He is helping me become something better than what I would be without him. Sometimes we don't understand each other...and we have to work hard at bringing two different minds into unity and harmony; but we are unfailingly committed to each other and our marriage, and THAT is what keeps our love burning brighter and brighter every day...and always keeps things interesting. :)

Telling Myself the Truth

We were home from church, sick, on Sunday. All of us. You don't even want to know how many tissues our family has been through in the last week.

On that boogery note, it meant I had a little time to write...in between wiping noses and administering Tylenol.

So here I am. With a full head. (In more ways than one...EWww, that got gross really fast.)

I've been thinking lately about the importance of being honest with ourselves. Well, mostly reflecting on how important honesty-with-myself has been in my life so far, and where it will take me in the future. I have come to the conclusion that we cannot be truly honest with one another until we are telling ourselves the truth.

You're saying "duh," I know...but I'm monologuing about it anyways.

There was this one pivotal moment when I realized this, like really, for the first time. It was when I broke up (the final time) with "That Boyfriend." Y'know, the first one that first stole your heart, for real? The one who you'll always remember? That one.

When I broke up with him that final, heart-breaking time, my up-front reasons for doing so were legitimate and true...but pretty thin in that they didn't tell the whole story...because I didn't really know why myself! My reason? I just don't feel right about this... and if you asked me how I felt when we broke up...I would tell you that I was devastated! And I didn't know why I should break up with him, only that I should. Just a bewildered shrug, or shaking my fist at the universe, depending on the day. I threw my hand over my forehead and concluded that we just weren't meant to be and I don't know why!

And I could have left it there. I could have left that big question mark in my life and just talked about it, mystified, from that point on. And I did for a little while, because I wasn't ready to believe it was my fault, or my choice. I wasn't ready to be honest with myself, because it was easier to believe that it was some outside force that for-some-unknown-reason just made being together impossible.

I can remember that powerful, liberating moment when I was standing in a friend's little kitchen apartment and talking about someone else's heart-breaking split from a boyfriend...when I finally told myself the truth:

It didn't work because I didn't love him enough.

I didn't want me-and-him enough to make it work, at that point in my life. I wasn't ready to love him the way I needed to love him in order for it to last. And so it didn't. It ended. I ended it.

With finally admitting that to myself, I expected a pity-party to follow, more tears about how I (me! and me alone!) let a great guy like that just GO! I'm such an idiot, I thought I should be saying to myself.

But the pity didn't come. I just felt...unburdened. I felt like I could finally breathe, and that I wasn't hiding from my excuses anymore, wasn't working so hard to make myself believe the lies that made me look better to everyone else...I was facing myself for the first time and saying, "There, now. That was tough; the truth kind of stings...but not so bad, either, hey? Now...NOW we can finally, truly, heal."

And heal I did. It gave me a real, honest place to just accept where I was at...and a place to start some real growth. It gave me a place to start asking myself questions. Why wasn't I ready? What would have to be different in order for me to have felt ready? What does that teach me about myself?

We didn't break-up because he was a jerk or because I was crazy or because we were simply star-crossed lovers...but because of a decision I made, with the Lord's counsel, that turned out to be the very best thing for both of us. And that was okay.

Sure there were issues with our relationship, and it always takes two-to-tango, but in reality? If I had wanted it to work badly enough, I would have spoken up, communicated, done everything to fix it. Instead, I stayed quiet and those issues became my excuses to bow out...when the reality was simply that he, this, was not what I wanted right now. He wasn't perfect, but that's kind of irrelevant. Because neither was I (I'm perfect now, though...? Neither am I, I mean. Ha.) and I am only responsible for me and my decisions.

Anyways. This goes way beyond this one turning point in my life. It affects EVERYTHING, really.

Right now, in my current life, telling myself the truth sounds a little like these things:

"I am having a hard time feeling friendly towards them right now because I am feeling a little insecure with myself, and I'm a little intimidated. I need to work on that. This person is someone to be loved; I need to forget myself and find out why they are so awesome."

"My kids are not asking for too much. I am only annoyed because I am trying to focus on how to finish that really witty status so I can look hilarious. Stop it. Put it down for now, I can finish it later. My kids trump my ego for importance right now. In fact, they usually do."

"Am I dressing like this to feel my best? Or am I getting dressed to get attention? Now, let's be honest. Both are fine for now, but if I am trying to get attention...try to understand why, okay? Really think about why I feel like I need that kind of attention right now, and work on that. I can be beautiful, artistic, vibrant, and attractive regardless of what I am wearing."

"I am only bugged by that person's success because I am feeling a little jealous. They have experienced something really incredible and exciting. It does not subtract from the joys in my life! So enjoy this joyful moment with them, genuinely, and add your cheers to theirs!"

"I know the reason I am not joining in this conversation is because I'm not ready to be vulnerable, out loud, about my own struggles with this issue yet. That's okay. Soon, someday, I'll be able to talk about it. But until then, I can be a soft place to land for these friends of mine; I refuse to scowl because I think they should be holding in their heartache, too. I may not be ready, but they are putting their hearts out there and that is really brave. This is not oversharing. This loving each other. And it's okay to be scared about that, too. I'm on it, one step at a time."

"His behaviour is only annoying me because it's not what I want him to do. But since when was my way the best way? I need to remember that he is different than me, and that is beautiful. Difficult and beautiful. I am not in charge, I am not the boss-of-him. I am only the boss of me."

"I shouldn't really type that sentence like that, it makes me sound arrogant and bossy. But then again...sometimes I am arrogant and bossy. I just struggle with that sometimes. And that's okay for now. But let's work on that. Why do I feel the need to sound arrogant about that? Probably because I'm a little insecure with that idea and am overcompensating. Yeah...probably."

And I find, every time I am really, truly honest with myself...it is always the first step up. It is always the gate that opens to healing and growth.  I stunt myself when I am being too ______________(prideful? scared? angry? apathetic? Insert damning state of being here) to be honest with me and admit the way I am really feeling and why.

I hope I get better at it. It gives me more compassion and patience for others. It reminds me that we hardly ever know what's really going on under the surface, under other people's surfaces. And it brings me closer to my God, because He's there, in my head and heart, helping me see myself more clearly so that I can get out of my own way on the road back to Him.


The end. I am now hungry. And that is also the truth.

Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Part 1

I came across a pin on Pinterest that linked to a blogger's post with 30 questions to answer for your kids to read about you someday.
I love that idea.
I decided to do it here, because...well...I'm just an exhibitionist like that sometimes. And plus it keeps things fun when I get to share it with friends as well. I'll probably do this all again in the future (for just my kids) because answers change...but for now, and for the next few posts, I'll answer the questions as my 29-year-old self.

The first question is.....

[1/30] List 20 Random Facts about yourself.

Aaaaand here we go...

1) Some people bite their fingernails, some people roll napkins; my fidgety habit is playing with stickers and price tags and tape.
2) Despite what a few pregnancies have left me with, I did at one time have very curly hair
3) I would take rich, decadent (chocolatey!) desserts over light, fruity desserts any day.
4) I am a thinker and a dreamer. "Doing" is not a natural strength. I love time to myself to just let my mind wander. It's also what makes me forgetful and absent minded of the nitty-gritty details of my life, like appointments and to-do's.
5) I got a fishbone stuck in my throat once. The doctor had to pull it out with these tong-like things.
6) I have never broken a bone. Well...that I've needed a cast for. I suspect I had a broken toe at one point, but I'm not for-sure on that one.
7) I love to write poetry; there's something fascinatingly challenging about taking all of what I'm thinking and trying to frame it with as few, and powerful of, words as possible.
8) The one movie that will always make me cry is Little Women. I identify with Jo so strongly that I bawl every. time. BUT I don't like that she ends up with the professor; I always wanted her to end up with Laurie instead.
9) I am transparent and easy to read; but the best friends in my life have given me a little space to believe I am mysterious.
10) I hate brushing my teeth. It's a sensory thing. But the WORST is being in the room when other people are brushing their teeth; it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. (Shiver).
11) I like my feet. I think feet are ugly in general...but I don't think mine are the ugliest out there.
12) I love a man with great looking hands.
13) I am SUPER allergic to dogs and cats and anything with dander. Like, mildly anaphylactic, given the right mixture of circumstances. Hypo-allergenic doesn't even cut it. I can be around them longer, but still get symptoms.
14) The one above was almost a deal-breaker for my hubby when we were dating. And you think that I'm joking...
15) I have this secret love of keeping grammar rules. I feel like good grammar is becoming obsolete alarmingly quickly...so when I make the effort to use a semicolon correctly, I feel that I have done my part in defending the Honour of Grammar. Weird, I know. I also feel like it gives me the right to use bad grammar whenever I want because I actually know how to say it properly. Grammar snob? Perhaps.
16) I value a good listener like they are made of stars and rainbows. They are SO hard to find. I also strive, constantly, to BE a good listener.
17) I love exercising. A good workout is a treat for me. I love the way it challenges my mind as much as it does my body.
18) That said, I still can't figure out how to love yoga. I really love the idea. I just can't get my body to cooperate.
19) When I turned 25, I felt great about what I had accomplished up to that point in my life: I had completed a bachelor's degree, completed a certificate program, served as a missionary for a year and half, gotten married and had a baby. I have less than a year until I am 30 and I want to feel just as good about what I have accomplished since. My list will be SO different this time, but I hope I feel just as proud of what I've achieved.
20) I still secretly believe that I was supposed to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

A Moment in Time.

I'm laying here listening to the rain fall outside and feeling sorry for myself, a little.

I'm scrolling through my Instagram feed that was just recently flooded with photos from two friends that attended the same, awesome outdoor music festival this last weekend. They attended with their awesome husbands and listened to awesome bands and performers and only had to rush home, all partied out and thrilled, to get back to work and school and their beds to catch up on lost sleep.
Not kids.

And you know, it's not very often that I feel this way...a little whiny for a taste of kidless freedom...but occasionally, very occasionally, I'll get this zing of jealousy for those whole have the time to do their hair and their makeup every morning. Who have the freedom to go to the store by themselves whenever they want, and hunt down the cutest vintage dresses and furniture. Who have the uninterrupted moments of careful attention to studying style and design, to planning outfits and hairstyles....who have the energy to care about it all the time. I'll envy those who have the quiet and the minutes to discover new songwriters and really listen to the songs, enjoy them without feeling they are adding to the never-ending noise. Who have the flexibility and the disposable income to travel, to quit their day jobs and write blogs, run cute businesses from home, discover new secret restaurants, and photograph people whenever they are asked and whenever they want. Who can pour themselves into hobbies and interests wholeheartedly and with their full attention.

But don't worry...before you feel sorry for me, or want to scold me, I promise you that I know I've got a world of better things going on. One of the hardest things about being a mom is learning how to focus your time, attention, and energy...and your heart...on the things that are the most important at the time. Sometimes the best thing you can be doing IS taking time for yourself...but usually, it's not. And sometimes it does look like a little taste of the fun, carefree things that you get to do more of when you don't have little people tugging at your shirt...or at very least, tugging at the back of your mind. but usually the important things are just things like stepping away from the screen, or fixing a hurt with a kiss, or leaving the house with your hair very un-cute because you made breakfast for your family instead.
And I know in these moments of envy that I'm glamorizing a life without littles, really I do; but that's not the point of my whining this evening, sorry, folks. Tomorrow, or maybe even in 30 seconds...I'll be remembering why being a mom is so profoundly awesome, and the jealousy will fall away.

But sometimes, you just want to be at the concerts. Because sometimes being a mom is just hard.
That is all. The end.

The Day with The Message

Do you ever have those days where you feel like everything is trying to tell you something? The same thing?

I had a day like that the other day. Someone (with a capital "S") was trying to teach me something, rapid-fire style, all day long.

First of all, I saw this video. It's life-changing, all on its own. But as if that wasn't enough to get said message across...
Then I read this post. And it resonated with me, as a mother, even though it's aimed at daddies.
Then my sister, who battled cancer last year, had to go to the hospital. It could be cancer again, or an infection of some kind that's not responding to antibiotics.
And then I kept running into quote after quote after blog post about how people just need to be loved and life needs to be lived with bravery and kindness.

And it all seemed to be telling me one thing, the SAME thing. But I can't even tell you exactly what it was! What I do know is that it changed me. Just a little. But just enough, too.
It changed the way I thought about, and reacted to, every situation that day. I saw everything with the same eyes I've always had...but I processed the information totally differently. It made me remember important things that the chaos of "the everyday" seems to camouflage with an expert hand. It made me slow down, breathe, and take a hard look around this life of mine. And all with only a few well-placed punches to the gut of my self-absorption.

Maybe it was a message that could be summed up in the phrase "Carpe Diem." But then it would feel stale, to me. The things I was feeling, that were changing me, were living and breathing and speaking to me. Specifically to me. It was about my life, my babies, my marriage, my faith, my heart, my mind.

The Message of That Day may not be able to be summed up in words,  but I can tell you a few things it's made me really want:

To be more than I am letting myself become...and not in the way of ambition or recognition...in the quiet battles of my heart; in the gritty moments when I have to choose to be deeper, calmer, bigger, higher, stronger, softer...than The Whiny or The Proud inside me that wants the easy way out.

To stop and look into my children's eyes as often as I can. Because there are very few things I am doing or looking at that are more important than letting my kids know that they are loved and important to me. To take a breath and stop and explain. To just love my husband. Just love him. Because he's trying, and that's all I can ask. And loving him is all the Lord asks of me. To be gentle with him, because hearts are fragile...even if they look tough and have sharp edges.

To enjoy the people in my life that I love, love, love. To reach out to them and ignore all my excuses I may have about seeming invasive, cheesy, too busy, blah blah blah. And to make everyone someone that I love.

To really, really counsel with my God. To discuss things with him more meaningfully, and to listen to His direction and be brave enough, faithful enough, to follow...and allow myself to really feel His love. Because there is no one that loves my imperfect, wandering, distracted self as much as He does. Because He cared about me enough to wake me up a little...to send me a day like this because He wants me to have a rich, full life that I enjoy...and loves me enough to show me how. That He gives me a day like today to remind me that He has confidence in me and my ability to be a little more than I was yesterday...and that I can be a little more tomorrow. And that I can mess up, forget...and He will still be there to remind me, You can do this. Just keep trying. I'll be here to help you remember.

And so, I sit here grateful.
For Zach Sobiech for reminding us all that you don't have to be dying to really live your life. And for Single Dad, Laughing reminding me how precious my children are and how careful I need to be with them. And for all the other reminders---and scary moments---that have helped me to remember, a little better, what this life...what my life...is for.



This post is dedicated to my sweet sister, Jocelyn, because she likes to remind me of these things all the time...both with her amazing example of love and compassion and a life well-lived...and because she likes to scare me into remembering every now and again ;) Haha. 
I love you, Jake!

D-Hubby

May I get a little mushy for a few minutes?

I sure like my D-Hubby.
Sometimes, he drives me crazy (but that's a good thing...remember? haha.) and I am very good at letting him know when he is and exactly why. I don't hide stuff like that from him, because I'm such a good wife (har)...And he's glad that I'm so dramatic about it...(BAhaha...I'm killing myself here!)

But most of the time, I just think he's the best.
I don't think I let him know why I love him as well as I let him know why he's making me bonkers...so here are a few things that have rolled through my thoughts lately as to why he's just perfect for me.

1) I love that he's so weird.
I kid you not, this is one of the things that first things that attracted me and kept me interested. He just doesn't think like anyone I know; his brain works totally differently!...and it fascinated me right from the start. I could not, for the life of me, figure him out. Sometimes I still can't. It keeps me curious and humbles me, especially when I try to play shrink and categorize his cute, weird head. He is definitely in a class all his own. And I love that.

2) I love that he is so transparent.
This kind of sounds opposite to number one. But it's not! Promise. Because the way that he's different and thinks differently is directly tied to how unaware he is of social "game-playing." He says it like he thinks it...which gets him into trouble sometimes, most often with me...but it means that he is always genuine. I never have to guess the way he really feels about certain situations (or meals, or outfits...) because he makes it completely apparent. And as much as I would just love him to lie to me sometimes and tell me that I'm gorgeous first thing in the morning, I am secretly kind of okay with the fact that he doesn't. It means that the times when he expresses admiration or appreciation or concern for me...it's as straight-up and real as it gets, and it melts me.

3) I love that he is creative and artistic.
Photography is his number one passion; but he is also just generally creative. I also enjoy lots of creative outlets, some the same like photography and design...but some different like music and writing...and it is one of my very favourite things about "us" as a couple: we are always excited and encouraging about trying new things, creatively. I love that I can consult him about how to design our home's furniture and art layout. I love that he trusts my judgement on which photos to include in a blog post. We are always honest with each other and are always challenging each other to create more and create better.

4) I love that he loves being a dad (and a 'grandson').
One of the first things that has always made the quality of his character apparent to me was the ease with which he interacted with the elderly folk and children. He loved hanging around both demographics, and they just instinctively enjoyed him, too. I think it has a lot to do with #2 up there (but that's just my working shrink-theory). His love of children has translated into him being an enthusiastic father, eager for time spent teasing, playing and snuggling with his babies. He jokes and visits easily with older folks. He's also a Baby-Holder; he's just as likely as I am to reach out and offer to hold someone's sweet little new addition.

5) I love that he's not a huge team-sports fan.
Not that there's anything wrong with it! In fact, sometimes I'm sure it would be nice for him to feel like he's up on the same "news" as some other husbands, having some common ground to share, chat about...or feeling like he would enjoy joining up with a community team league of some sort. But most of the time, when hockey or basketball or baseball or whatever gets all crazy, I am just grateful that he doesn't disappear on me, or care that much. I suppose I do trade it for overnight hikes in the mountains and evenings spent rock-climbing every now and then...but it's just not the same, somehow. It works for us.

The End.
Also, I let him read all of the posts that involve him, directly or indirectly, before I ever publish them. After letting him read this one, I realized that I should also mention how much I love his funny little embarrassed smile he gets when I am teasing him by being extra-romantic. I do so intentionally sometimes, just to make him cringe. He squirms like a school boy getting kissed by his mom, and it makes me belly-laugh every time. He always gets me back, some way or another (wet willy, anyone?), but that funny squirmy face makes every gushy gaze I sent his way worth every second. HAha!

I love that weirdo who is alllll mine.

Eleven Pieces of Marriage Advice

A BFF of mine got married a while ago.
Her wedding marked the end of an era!
And it made me think about what I would say to her by way of marriage advice to give her a good head start...the things I would go back and tell my engaged-self now.
I started most of these a few months ago, and just rediscovered the un-published list tonight. I polished it off, and am curious to know what you would add....what advice you would give your engaged self based off what you know now...(don't do it!!! maybe? Haha! Kidding!)
So if you want to add something, pleeeease do.

1) A Temple Marriage does not guarantee that your marriage will last; but how much it means to you does. 
It's whether you believe in the power of forever that will determine how much you fight for your marriage...how much you're willing to change, grow, humble yourself and forgive five thousand times or more. If you believe that your marriage is worth preserving, it will be. And that goes for both parties.

2) Lose the line "that's just the way I am." 
Because it doesn't work anymore. Marriage is the next step in growing, in PROGRESSing. That involves change. Hard changes, sometimes. When you sign up for marriage, it's like signing up to grow....to have any and all issues, weaknesses, and fears thrown open wide and made completely obvious. But it's also about being vulnerable like that together...and making it a safe place to work those things out.

3) Complain to his mom, not yours.
I heard this line recently and looooved it. It is so true! And when defending your husband is really important to you, this just feels intuitive. His mom knows him and all those little weaknesses already...and loves him anyways. Kind of like you do, in fact! And if he's being a butthead, she'll offer you sympathy and forgive him in the very same instant. Your own mother may find the forgiving-him part a little more difficult, so just don't go there. As far as your own mother is concerned, she has the PERFECT son-in-law. Always. This is nullified if there's abuse involved, obviously. Also, let your MIL somehow know that she will get a little venting once in a while...because you don't want her worrying that you tell just anyone about your frustrations like that...

4) Make each other one little promise before you marry of one thing/habit you will always do to show the other comes first. 
Like, he will always find you to give you a hug and kiss when he comes home, before anything else. Or...he'll always open the car door for you, no matter what. Or...she'll make his favourite meal once a month. Or...she'll always say "I love you" before going to bed. These are teensy little things that you will ALWAYS do, even if you're mad, that will remind you what this marriage thing is...and who that spouse of yours is. And in those hard times when you are frustrated with each other...being able to say "well, at least she still makes the effort to always keep orange juice in the fridge for me...I must still matter that much to her" just might make ALL the difference in the world.

5) Marriage may be a little lonely for the first little bit.
This is because loyalties are making their final transfers. The process was initiated before marriage already---learning to keep his secrets, learning to trust him, not blabbing everything to your friends/mom/sisters...just learning to be each other's "number one." The process continues into the first little bit of marriage as, suddenly, you have all these new, weird things that come up...you're introducing sex into the mix, here, people! And the temptation to turn to old confidants with new secrets will be strong. But resist! It is such a critical time for learning to trust and confide in each other...to communicate...that this first little bit is so precious. Talk to him first, tell him how you're feeling first, make him feel safe pouring his heart out to you, and work out your first little fights all in the privacy of just-you-and-him. It will feel a little lonely not to call your mom or BFF and "vent" or talk it out...but hang in there...the loyalty and faith in each other that you develop is worth every bit of self-restraint you can muster. Talk it out to your Father in Heaven. He's a way better listener, anyway.

6) Understand that if you drive each other nuts, it's a good sign.
In this one awesome article (that I cannot find the link for at the moment), the author talks about how marriage is set-up specifically for progression and joy. Therefore, you will naturally be attracted to the people who will test you, push you, and grow you the very most. Sometimes it will be because they inspire you to be better. But more often it may be because they drive you crazy...and that shows you an area of yourself that needs a little work...maybe that you have a hard time being patient with someone who clams up in a disagreement...or that you tend to be unnecessarily critical of physical appearance, a weakness laid open with a spouse that doesn't place as much importance on that. They will be the things that may have first endeared you to them...and then eventually just push your buttons. Recognize this truth...then embrace it...then do your darndest to let marriage do what it's supposed to...create a more incredible you...a more incredible you-and-him. Let these drive-you-crazy moments help you understand what you need to work on to create a love that's a little closer to perfect than the day before.

7) When it comes to being mad, it's all about you.
In that you are the only person who you can change. So whether you need to get a more mature perspective, whether you need to swallow some pride, whether you need to remember to let it go and forgive, or whether you just need to apologize for losing your temper...you can't make them fix it, but you can certainly do everything you can to fix yourself. And believe me, even when you think your anger is justified, there is always room for your own, personal improvement.

8) Remember that you fell in love with a human.
And humans are an incredibly complicated mix of wonderful and weak, brilliant and awful. And that means you, too. You didn't fall in love with the-future-husband-prince-charming-that-you've-been-dreaming-about-since-age-five, you fell in love with a man. And love is a choice. So choose to love your man. He's his own mix of crazy, and he's all yours. Love him like no one else can or will. It will be hard sometimes, but worth it.

9) Your definitions of "perfect" are different.
This one might take some explaining. An illustrative example from my husband and I: He was raised to value order. I was raised to value flexibility. While we both kind of value the other attribute as well, of course, but I would way rather be seen as someone who could handle whatever came their way without getting bent out of shape or stressing out...while he would way rather been seen as someone who always kept things in line and organized. I tend to pity inflexibility more than I would pity someone who was a little disorganized...because that's what I tend to believe is more valuable in someone's character. He would tend to scoff at someone who was a little disorganized rather than someone who got stressed out about disorder easily, because that's more along the lines of what he values in someone's character. My point is that neither of us is right about that, or wrong. The key is to be aware of that discrepancy...and to always be learning to appreciate strengths of all kinds, and have compassion for weaknesses of all kinds...especially each other's. ESPECIALLY. Because this is marriage advice, after all...

10) Keep the topics of sex, finances, and the division of work contention-free.
These three topics are the most common reasons marriages have problems. Want to know why? Because these are the tender areas where emotional (and other deeper) issues show up. If there's one or more of these things that are "sore spots" at any point in your marriage, first know that you are normal. And then realize that it means there's something underlying those issues that needs some work and healing. And then do everything you can to figure it out. Never feel ashamed if you need some professional help to fix it. And always be "airing out the laundry" on these issues on a frequent basis...well. on everything, really. Don't let anything fester. Some things need time, some things need disinfecting...know yourself well enough to know what you need to speak-up about.

And fiiiiinally...

11) You've got forever. This is actually the same as number one. But worth repeating. HAaa.
You will cry and be mad and you will have hard things to go through together. If both of you keep the perspective that this is a forever thing, not a just-until-this-gets-too-hard thing, things will eventually work themselves out. The Lord's got this. Put it in His hands, and it will all come around right. Have patience with each other and with your relationship. It's got time to grow and refine. Good thing, too...because I know I need a lot of practice...

Two Thousand Thirteen

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It amazes me how long I go without actually posting anything to this blog sometimes. It's surprising only because I am always posting on here in my head...and then I actually look at it and realize that none of it made it to the screen. That may be a good thing. Or not.

Anyways.

No secret: I love goal setting opportunities. But this year I'm feeling different...feeling like I'm still working on goals and have a lot of good momentum going...almost like I don't want to wreck it by stopping and thinking about more to add. Weird? Yeah. But even with that undercurrent of resistance, I read this fine lady's goal for the next year...and knew that was exactly what mine needed to be.

So I'm stealing her goal.
2013, for me, is about focusing on the One Needful Thing: my own learning at the Savior's feet.

Ta-daa! That is all.

P.S. By way of follow up (and an excuse to brag share my success), there are officially no "junk drawers" in our house! Or junk shelves, closets, etc. That doesn't mean that they aren't filled with junk, it just means that everything is organized and has a place...and is generally free of unwanted or unneeded junk (aka clutter). So, I confess I am pleased with and proud of how far that's come...even if it's taken the whole year to finally finish. Ha.
Now to keep it up once the pregnancy nesting energy runs dry...

Eating General Conference

Guys. I'm pregnant.
With Baby #3...again. I had a miscarriage in June, but now we're in week 12 of round two of trying for Baby #3. Exciting! Hopefully all goes well. Miscarriages are not fun...but I'm grateful for the experience; it has allowed me, even already (!), to offer an understanding to others I would not have had before.

Baby #3??! Can we talk about this. Because having three kids kind of scares me. Actually, I'll talk about that later, because I have a lot to work through. I'm taking you along on that one.

What I really want to talk about right now is brought to you by this post from the blog "The Weed."
(side note: this blog is from an LDS man who has recently 'come out' as gay...but is happily married with three children...and intends to stay that way. It is a blog that blows my mind every time I read it, and I love it. I love the care and delicacy with which he handles the issues...and how determined he is to live God's commandments, no matter what struggles he has been given in this life. It's raw, faith-strengthening, empathy-inducing, humbling stuff. I encourage you to take a look around at his blog if you have a minute. It's good stuff.)

ANYWAYS.

The post is the first of what I hope turns into a regular thing...a "check-in" of sorts. The blog's author says that he does this with clients of his (as a sex-addiction therapist) where they "check-in" on how they're doing physically, emotionally, spiritually...and then commit to do something this week, set a goal.

And as I'm reading through his post...and then the comments, where people "checked in" as well...I fell in love with the idea. SO I sat down with my paper and wrote out my "check in." When I got to the 'Spiritual' section, I had to think long and hard. Because it was General Conference weekend recently...and because it was rough.

Let me explain.

Once I had some "growing up" experiences as a teenager, and got past the I'm-annoyed-with-everything-in-my-life stage, I loved General Conference. I loved it for more than the delicious candy bag that my mom gave us. I loved it because I just sat there and soaked in the feelings of love and peace and learning that were just spilling over me. Some talks were remarkable and I remembered them. But mostly, it was just being reminded, by the Spirit of the Lord, over and over again, that He knew me, my heart, and loved me just the way I was.

I loved General Conference as a young adult, where I was navigating life on my own, and relying very heavily on my Father in Heaven to keep me afloat...in EVERY way, not just spiritually. It was affirming to feel that I was not alone. And that somehow, next month's rent would show up.

I loved General Conference as a full-time missionary. It was like Christmas! Two whole days of spiritual replenishing? Without having to do much of anything else except soak it up? Oh, it was heavenly.

And so, as a mother, I always look forward to General Conference with the same eagerness. I am eager to be filled. I am eager for the time to think about things bigger than me. And the laundry. I am eager to let my mind linger on things of eternal consequence, and to be reminded that I am loved. I am important. I can make a difference. I am anxious to be inspired to love better, to see others as He does, to serve.

And so, it was with this perspective I anticipated this past weekend. Pleasant Sigh!, thought I, a little break from the everyday!

BUT alas. T'was not so.
Because I am the mother of two toddlers.
Two beautiful....but active and noisy....toddlers.
And it was just me with them, mostly. Because my hubby loves us and works on Saturdays to keep us alive.

I caught things in snippets, in snatches, in a minute or two of quiet before two giggling kids jumped off the back of the couch onto my lap at the same time.
And it seemed that no matter what I could conjure up to distract or entertain them, as soon as I settled myself into the couch and faced the computer screen with any semblance of the interest I felt so deeply, it was their cue to disturb.
I tried lots and lots of things.
But, no.
I felt frustrated. And like I was only getting bites of a delicious feast right at my fingertips.
There were still little moments, however, where the Lord let me know He was aware of me and what I was feeling, like the lyrics of a song that was sung that pierced me to my heart and brought me to tears. That song was for me. And then a sentence of someone's talk would just stick out to me, just so...before the next toddler attack.

And then, all-of-the-sudden, it was all over. And I felt like I had missed it all...well, at least missed it all in the way I wanted to really experience it. I felt a little dismayed. A little disheartened. A little bummed. A little bugged.

But here's the thing: I was missing the point. And the Lord has taught me a lot in the last couple days as I've sulked a little, and been a little spiritually whiny about being the mom of my kids.

I had approached this conference with the intent to eat my fill of a feast in a weekend...when I'm in the season of my life where I have to eat small bites regularly. Make sense?

I have had seasons in my life where I could do that...feast, I mean...just sit there and soak it all in.
But things are a little different now.

In South Korea, when you sit down to eat a meal, there are a ton of teeny little dishes with teeny little amounts of things to eat...like not really more than a bite or two for each person. I always wondered how this was ever going to fill my hungry tummy. But sure enough, after a little here and a little there, I was stuffed. I couldn't even tell you one thing I ate more of than another...I had just taken a bite of this and a taste of that....and was thoroughly satisfied. I mused that maybe it was because it takes longer to eat a taste of each of those little things...and it actually gave your body a chance to realize it had what it needed, to realize it was full.

And I wonder...spiritually speaking....that maybe if I had been a little better about making sure I was always taking small bites...constantly, consistently...eating a little here and there...I wouldn't have felt such a desperate need to be stuffed to the max this weekend. Maybe if I was always making sure to get the spiritual nourishment when I can, in bites, in snatches, in snacks...I would have been more appreciative of the especially tender morsels that I tasted this weekend...instead of just whining about needing more.
Maybe if I make a better habit of feeding myself spiritually on a more consistent basis, I would find that more fall into my lap...because I'm more aware, more attentive, more willing to take what I'm being offered...more grateful, more humble. I would appreciate every little piece.

And I'm thinking that this is what I need to remember about this time in my life...this Time of Mothering Little Kids.
This time that won't last forever...but that will be gone before I know it.
This time in my life when the Lord teaches me how to appreciate the little things. Because, really, I suspect that He never intended Conference to be a one-time meal. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's about savouring it over the next several months. Feeling like I "missed it" is pretty silly, actually...because it's not really about a one-weekend-feast...I think it's more like we just got given all the groceries we need for the next 6 months. The instruction we've received is intended for many, many meals...and snacks...and bites...

Which is good. Because I need to learn to eat more regularly, in smaller portions.
And not just because I'm pregnant... (haaaa....)

And so, after my journal "check-in," I decided that my commitment was to get spiritual nutrition wherever I could, and whenever I can this week...in little bits and pieces here and there. Which means I have to check in next week and report how that's going. Okay? Okay.

FULL.

(siiiiiiiigh).

It has been so long. SO long.

Too long.

My life lately has been so...full. Overflowing with highs and lows, goods and bads, smiles and tears, happys and sads. I have felt so blessed and so weighed down. Buoyed up and barely floating. And don't even think I'm running out of metaphors for both ends of a spectrum. I'm just getting started. Ha.

But really. Does life ever get to be so...much...that you don't know how you're making it from one minute to the other? Barely keeping your head above water? I'm going to assume you're all nodding. It makes me feel better.

I'm exhausted.

This week it's preparing for a week-long backpacking trip. And then leaving my kids for ten looooooong days. And I can only hope that aside from totally beating up my happy body, that it rejuvenates my weary little heart. A nice escape to the beautiful, wild outdoors usually does me some good in that respect.


I'm curious to know what your mantras are for keeping your life's busy-ness in check, if you feel like sharing. What do you tell yourself, how do you remind yourself to just keep going, or to reevaluate where your time is spent?

Growing.

I think about when to have my third baby, sometimes.

I think about it when I have two on my lap competing for space and it's squishy. Where would my third baby go? On my head?

I think about it when I'm walking down the sidewalk with two little hands that want to be held. I don't have three hands.

I think about it when I have two kids whining and crying in the grocery store and all I can do is ignore it or I will cry, too. Would a third little wail push me over the edge? Four people bawling in a store is bound to attract even more attention than the hollering toddlers already do, no?

I think about it in church, when both me and my husband have our hands full with a cranky toddler each, trying to distract them, entertain them, escort them out, discipline them discreetly...wait; who's taking care of our third, imaginary kid?

I think about it when people on the outside are demanding my time, and when I'm expecting myself to be something I'm not, and when I'm trying to impress the wrong people. It's then that I'm almost certain I have no time for another human around here.


I think about it in the moments when I already feel overwhelmed, and I think: why do I even think I can handle one more? Let alone the two more we've always planned for? What are we thinking?

 ---

I also think about it when I have two snuggly kids who fill my arms and my lap, content to be nestled into me and each other. There is room for another warm little body in this pile, I think.
 

I think about it when we're walking to the park and two little hands rush up to bring me fistfulls of scrunched dandelions and a confused ladybug...then rush away to find something new. I could have another one here with me, keeping me company.

I think about it when we're at Superstore and going through our happy little ritual of seeing the fish and lobsters, then getting a cookie at the bakery, then saying hi to the dog statue on the way out...and how fun it is. Baby-Rae would love showing these favourite things to a little someone new.

I think about it in church, when my kids are flipping quietly through pictures of the Savior, handing each other snacks and giggling softly at the sheep. My D-Hubby has his arm around me and I just look at this family of mine. I could use more of these kind of people in my life.

I think about it when life is beautiful, which it is most of the time. And how I love my beautiful kids and can't wait to add more beautiful to my life. And how there is so much right about the moments when we are together and looking out for each other. And how life doesn't get any better than that.

---


I thought some more about it when I read this blog post, and I sympathized with her when she said that the spacing of 16 months was the toughest.
Yes.
I am just grateful that my 16-month-aparters are my first two. Still makes me crazy sometimes...but not as crazy as if I had a few others to think about on top of it all.


We want our kids close together. We want them to enjoy each other, play sports together. We want them to be close enough to fight and argue...and make up and be friends again. We want them to have to be kind to each other when they see their younger sibling in the hallway at the same school. We want to be young, energetic parents. We want to be young, energetic grandparents! We want to be able to have the number of kids we want before health concerns steal our time.

I know we don't always get the things we want, but here's hoping we get a few of those.

And while we hmm and haww about when to grow our family, the question, really, is more about when we, personally, are ready to grow ourselves...to push our boundaries, to deepen our experiences, to strengthen our abilities, and above all: expand our capacity for love.


So. Am I ready to grow?


Well. Today is a tough day. Maybe ask me tomorrow.

Overall, though, growing is a'ight.
We're usually down with it.

Rented.

I have quite a bit of time to just think while I drive bus. I think about lots of little things, and come to conclusions about the most random and disconnected series of subjects you've ever heard...on a daily basis.

Here's one:

I itch to own my own house.
I want total creative control over the colour of my walls and the light fixtures overhead. I don't want to panic when my kids draw on the walls, or worry whether the landlord is going to let us hang artwork or not. Someday, it will be really nice.
But, I thought, as we moved our furniture around this week yet again...(we do that often. I like to think that it's the artist in both my husband and I that likes to keep things visually fresh and interesting. Or that we have decorating ADD) that there are some things that I really like about renting, too.
I like not having to worry about setting money aside for having the roof redone or the windows replaced. I like that the desire to renovate and update isn't always at the back of my mind, greedy for my extra dollars. I think I like that the most, actually. I often think about what I would do to change the houses I live in, the homes I rent. But I am actually comforted by the fact that there's not really anything I can do about it. It forces me to accept what I have. It pushes me to be creative in my home decor, and not just endure but embrace what's there so that it looks good, all together. I like having to make the most of it. I like that I don't have property taxes. I like that I'm not scraping by, barely keeping my head above water financially because I jumped into home ownership before I could really afford it...and all that goes with it. I like renting. For now.
Someday, we will buy a home, and we will love it. It will be awesome. And it will bring different blessings and different challenges. I will be a happy homeowner.
Until then, I've decided to love renting.
Because sometimes, renting really is awesome.

Taking My Stand.

Guys. This post has taken me FOR-EV-ER to finish. I keep coming back to it, and leaving it again...then coming back...and...yeah. Finally. Done.
 
Several days weeks ago I read this blog post. And, like any piece of good writing should, it made me think. And think and think and think.

And I started this post the next day, writing hot...which I love to do.

(One of my literature profs in University once told us to write red-hot...and edit ice-cold. I loved that. And remembered it, obviously. Writing hot is writing when you are on fire, full of thoughts and emotions that are running through you, around you, out of you, and just burning you up in all the right ways...)

But what I write when I write hot should never be 'published'...not until I've had some time to look over it when I'm running a little cooler. So far, it's been good insurance against saying some really stupid stuff...or the right stuff, but in the wrong way...y'knowwhatimean?

Good.

And so it was with this post. Because it's something that is important...and like most things that are actually important, it lights fires in hearts.

And that blog post lit my fire...maaaybe not in the way that it meant to...or maybe exactly in the way it was meant to...but it doesn't really matter.

This post is about my stance on homosexuality.

I write this because I need to, friends. Not really because you need to know what I think...because heaven knows it doesn't matter...but because I needed to write it...for me.  Because I've needed to really think this through...like, really. And for me, writing and thinking go together.

The experience of thinking and writing this post is exactly what it needed to be for me. I needed to sort things out. I needed to really examine myself. I've needed to be clear on where I stand...and I've needed to be able to explain it to my kids someday, without fear.

Because things like this are too important to ignore, or to just hitch a ride on someone else's coattails.

First of all, I need to get some things straight (haaaa...). This post is essentially a response to Momastery's Post (the one I mentioned earlier). Well, kind of.

BUT!!! Understand this: I really really love the blog that the post came from. I love the author, I love her insights, I love her writing, I love her cause. I only respond so specifically to what she said in this post because she laid out the "other side" of the argument so well from the viewpoint of a faithful Christian...that I had to really think about it in her terms, from her perspective. My thought process stemmed and grew from her words...and to take you through any of it without referring to her opinions would be...lacking, somehow. I don't really know that I'll be able to take you with me on my thought process...it's been kind of a whirlwind...but I should be able to share the conclusions I've reached.

Maybe. Hopefully?

And also, I'm coming from the perspective of someone who has always taken the stance that homosexuality is morally wrong. It's where I was sitting before the article...and it's where I've returned to. But...more...thoroughly there, if that makes sense.

I want that out there...because I do believe it's wrong, and so I'll talk about it that way...and don't want anyone scandalized, all-of-the-sudden, by my reference to homosexuality with words like "struggle" and "hardship"...and comparing it to other battles that I believe bear a resemblance. Okee dokee? You've been given fair warning.

Also: pet peeves. One of mine is when people get all upset because someone seems to be esteeming any marriage between a man and a woman as ALWAYS the best situation...no matter what...and start saying how offensive it is to say that that an abusive heterosexual marriage is better than a happy homosexual one. To that I say, DUH. Abuse is unacceptable, in any relationship. No one, upon hearing of a husband abusing his wife, is going to insist that well...at least they weren't in a happy gay relationship! So moot point, okay? From here on out, I'm talking about the ideals of both situations, if we're talking comparisons...which I probably won't do---talk comparisons, I mean---because I feel like it's comparing apples and oranges.

And so.

When I began Momastery's Post, I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with the first half...about bullying...about kids as adults' reflections...about US needing to change, if we want to see change in our children. YES, yes, yes!
It drove me crazy when I was working in schools to hear of yet another bullying program that taught kids about how to recognize it, how to report it, blah blah blah blah. This will fix nothing! I wanted to shout, because that's not the problem! Our kids are not being taught how to love. Barbara Colorrosso called the solution teaching our kids to "care deeply." And I love that...because the issue of bullying has everything to do with those hearts of ours.

The last half of the post was a letter to her son, a letter that describes their thoughts and feelings on homosexuality, written to him as if he had announced he was gay. It was full of the beautiful and tender words of a loving mother. But it was also where I stopped nodding so vehemently...because, really, I was reading a completely different post. The subject matter was different, the goal, the aim.
We were onto something else, now.

And on I read. And I read some of the comments. And I re-read the post. And another pet-peeve came out...y'know, that one where people assume that because you believe homosexuality is wrong, that you do not love...that you must not love...that love only can mean accepting and celebrating homosexuality as awesome.

Which it doesn't. Because love is not about making everything acceptable. Love is what makes the unacceptable bearable...it's what gives us hope that we can endure the inevitably unacceptable things that we are asked to endure. If I had a friend I loved dearly who struggled with a genetic pre-disposition to alcoholism, I would not throw them a parade and hand them a beer.
Because I can't...because I love them.
You can't do much except love someone when they insist on destructive behaviour...but when you love someone, you sure-as-heck can't throw in the towel and hand them the sledgehammer to do a better job of it. You have to stand your ground in loving who they are at the moment and believing that they can be more than they are currently making of themselves.

So the suggestion that it is a lack of love that keeps me from celebrating homosexuality is offensive to me.
That it is a lack of understanding is also incorrect...because it is my understanding of who we are as humans and why we're here on this earth that also keeps me from embracing the idea that two people of the same gender should be together, sexually, y'know, if they wanna be.

That could be an entirely different post, altogether, though...the who-we-are-why-we're-here thing.
So, anyways.

Homosexuality is two things to me. First, it's simply the attraction, sexually, to someone of your same gender. I do not believe that, in and of itself, is (ahem) "sinful"...because I have met too many people whose situations are too different...and too horrific... to believe that the pain and confusion that can surround sex and sexuality is that simple. And I believe that everyone is born with different challenges and weaknesses in this life. But I do believe there is a line drawn when it comes to what you do with it.
Do you feed it? Entertain it? Justify it?

I believe that homosexuality is wrong. But why? Why am I so sure? How do I know?
What if I didn't know what I know? How could I tell what was right?
What is the good, what is the bad, that comes from embracing and encouraging something like this...the fruit that comes from believing it's wrong or believing it's right?
What if I only had the Bible? How would I tell then?

I can tell you right now, if I only had the Bible to go on...I would be so, so confused.

Because there are so many convincing voices out there. I would have what I've always believed on one hand...and, on the other hand, what seems like everyone else telling me that it's wrong to believe that way...hateful, even. And God is not hateful.
And I would wrestle with it inside...I would want a way to make them fit together...and I would probably end up drawing the same conclusions that the author of this post did...that things like this...just...evolve. That things must be different now. They have to be. To make me feel better, they would have to be.

But I don't believe that I only have the Bible to go on.
I believe that He, God, continues to reveal His will today...like, through a living prophet...through revelation, current scripture. STILL. Today. Just like always.

And thank Heaven for that. Because our time needs our Noah, too. I believe that God doesn't really leave ANYTHING that's significant like this issue up in the air and unclear. I believe that He still chooses a prophet to be his mouthpiece on the earth to give us guidance---and encouragement---that is specific to us and our time. And that makes all the difference. Because when I believe in a God who is actively revealing His will the same way that He always has, it makes getting clarification very simple.

So whether I'm pretending it's from a Darwin-istic perspective (homosexuality doesn't perpetuate a species; survival of the fittest would have annihilated homosexual tendencies ages ago!) or health perspective (can we say HIV/AIDS?), a behavioural perspective (we have to have self-control when it comes to unusual sexual preferences...otherwise, where do we draw the line?), or just the perspective of sex being more than simply an appetite to be filled at all costs...
It would be fine.
But it wouldn't be the whole story. Just some supporting evidence that it's not right, that something is breaking.
Because, really, it comes down to whether I believe God has given the final word on it...and more than just a few semi-ambiguous scriptures in the Bible that people could scrap over 'til the cows come home. I believe He has let us know, very clearly, where He stands today...when He said, in 1995, through a living prophet that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." (From this. Emphasis added.)

I wonder what the author's letter would have looked like if she were writing to her son as though he had decided to leave the Christian faith to become Muslim (another highly-bullied group she mentioned). Because I think the letter would have been less about how okay and fine-and-dandy it was...and more about how you deal with people who believe differently than you do...about how you love them anyways...and about how you celebrate them as a child of God anyways. I doubt that the author would have started praying to Allah to show support of her son's decision...but she would have loved him anyways. And I doubt that a son in that position...who knew how deeply his parents loved Jesus Christ...would expect them to be kicks and giggles about it...would resent them for not accepting Islam, too...would expect them to rationalize their beliefs so they could believe both things.

I'm sad for those who have been rude and awful on both sides of this issue. I wish I could explain to governments and policy-makers that, for the most part, these are not 'religious fanatics' who are standing up for the future of marriage and its definition...that it's people who are loving the best they can: loving their God and their fellow man.

I like how this quote puts it:

"The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs." (Joseph Smith Jr.)

Because when it comes right down to it, condemning and exalting are not our jobs...they're WAY over our heads on the job description list, actually. The Lord knows each person's situation, circumstances, and heart perfectly. He is the Perfect Judge. I am not. And while it definitely does not remove my responsibility to defend what is holy and sacred, it certainly means that---above all---I act with compassion.

Because everyone is a child of God...and so, so precious to Him.
...Everyone.

Two.

Two articles I've particularly loved this week:

The Last Word: He said he was leaving. She ignored him.---by Laura Munson

Friendly Fire---by Glennon of the blog Momastery

Both are amazing. That is all.

2012.

It's no secret that I love the new year, fresh start, new goals thing.
Really, just any excuse to start over, fresh. I make lots of mistakes.

Last year I resolved to keep things simple.
For the most part, I think I managed to keep sight of that relatively well. I feel good about the effort I made to keep "unnecessary clutter" out of our schedules and work on the "basics" of maintaining our lives and our home.

But it's a new year! Which means building on that, right? Onward and upward?!

Well. I find myself in a much different situation than I have been in the past years...which makes my goal setting a little different.

I'm working at the moment. School bus driving.
Awesome, hey? It's great.
...Well, great for a part-time job where I can take my kids with me.
In all honesty, if I didn't have to do it, I wouldn't.
But I do,
so it's fine and dandy.

It's not that I hate working, it's just that I really like the hard work that I'm already doing...and miss being able to really do it to the best of my ability. That's all.

I saw a quote on Pinterest a while ago that said "Do the best with what you have, where you are, now."

And it made me feel a whole lot better. I may not be working with the same kind of flexibility that I used to have in my schedule...but I can sure do the best with what I  do have...with where I'm at...at this point in time...and quit bemoaning what I used to have or what I would rather have instead.

And so...that's the theme for my year. I'll carry over what I've learned from last year and really focus on what's important...and do the best with what I have...and love every minute!

-Natural Sweeteners Only For the Next 6 Months. This includes only honey, maple syrup, fruit, agave syrup...no white/brown sugars or corn syrups. I did this last year for three months and it was amazing. Special occasions (birthdays) and times when it's rude to refuse are exceptions.

-Spiritually Fed, Daily. I would make some kind of reading goal, like "read the whole bible this year" but I find I lose the purpose of why I'm reading too quickly and it becomes rote and meaningless. I need to feel spiritually fed...so if that's my mindset, I think the results will be waaaay more satisfying.

-Be a Sexier Wife. And before this sounds too scandalous...it's actually just things like: shower more often... keep my legs shaved... always smell pretty... the things that I don't especially care about, but that make a big difference to my sweet hubby. Aaaaand he's important to me, and definitely worth that extra little bit of effort.

-Treat My Babies Like a Treasure...Always. In the last few weeks before Christmas, pressure was high and time was running at an all-time low. I was pretty much constantly impatient with my kids, trying to keep up with all the demands on our time. Baby-Rae started having accidents, and was chronically misbehaving...and Baby-M was suuuuper whiny and clingy. Both were with me most of the day, still...but were being starved of my attention...and it showed. Once I realized what was happening, I felt terrible...and learned a valuable lesson. The consequences of forgetting to treat my babies like the treasure that they are...are actually totally disproportionate. They are affected by it way more than I think...and mending that mistake takes twice (three times!) the effort that it would have taken to just take a breath and give them the patience and attention they needed from the start.

-Don't Have A Junk Drawer. This is a home organization one. In my home this year, there will be no "miscellaneous" spaces...everything will have a place. "A place for everything, and everything in its place." I have kids...my home will never be as neat as a pin...but it can be organized and easily tidied.

Those are my goals in health, spiritual, husband, kids, and home. 

Happy New Year! 2012, you are going to be one interesting year...

The end.